Society – and couples – are facing situations they have never faced before, and are being forced to adjust to those situations very quickly. One example of this is how to appropriately use technology while in a relationship. This is something that couples have essentially only faced in the past 20 years, especially with regards to smartphones.
We’re also now trying our best to figure out how to talk about these issues with each other and in therapy. An example of this is what we’re going to call “digital betrayal” – when you betray the trust of your partner by engaging in some behavior with technology that your partner feels you should not do.
Examples of Digital Betrayal
Digital betrayal is when you betray a partner through a phone, tablet, or other form of online technology, but did not necessarily betray them in person. It’s not infidelity in the typical sense, where someone engages in physical sexual behavior with another partner. Rather, it’s a form of trust betrayal that occurs solely online, and almost always without the other partner knowing. Examples may include:
- Chatting or messaging an ex lover, celebrity, or member of the opposite sex in secret.
- Watching pornography at inappropriate times or storing photos/video on their phone.
- Sending or receiving sexual imagery from someone other than a spouse.
Not all “digital betrayal” is going to be sexual or romantic in nature, either. Betrayal can come in many forms, such as being on a person’s phone instead of getting an important task done, staying up playing games when you should be sleeping, or saying very overly negative things about a partner in a situation where sharing that information is not appropriate.
Another potentially common form of digital betrayal may also be looking at someone’s phone and private messages without consent. Our phones can have private conversations, and individual partners are allowed to have these conversations without the other partner reading them in secret.
No matter the type of “betrayal,” the commonality among all of them is that it breaks trust in the relationship and causes pain that both partners need to address.
Working Through Digital Betrayal in Couples Counseling
This issue between couples is new and complex. In some cases, there is a very clear betrayal of trust that both partners can acknowledge. In other cases, there may be layers – for example, someone may not understand why what they did was wrong, or may feel defensive about their technology usage. There are also issues with phone addiction and connection that may arise.
“Online infidelity,” and other similar betrayals of trust, are typically all factors that chip away at a relationship. In fact, even minor issues can become very serious problems in a relationship. If one partner does not trust another, they can sometimes rebuild that trust through spending time together and sharing conversations and experiences.
But digital trust is something that occurs almost entirely on a phone, and the thing is, most of us are going to still be on our phones. Being on the phone is also a solo activity, which means that a partner is going to be on their phone, semi-in secret, by themselves. This may lead to more distrust, among other relationship issues between partners.
It can be very difficult to break patterns on your own. Couples therapy offers a path to healing by addressing these issues directly and working to rebuild the trust that has been lost.
Couples therapy provides a safe space for partners to confront the betrayal, express their feelings, and begin the process of rebuilding trust. The therapy is structured to help both partners understand the underlying issues that may have contributed to the betrayal and to develop strategies for moving forward together.
- Open Communication – A key element of the therapy process is fostering open and honest communication. This allows both partners to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, creating a foundation for understanding and reconciliation. In this case, we would discuss fears, behaviors that have affected trust, and more.
- Identifying Boundaries – Couples therapy also focuses on helping partners establish and agree upon clear boundaries in the digital realm. This might include setting rules for online interactions, discussing what is considered appropriate behavior, and agreeing on how to handle potential future challenges.
- Rebuilding Trust – Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and rebuilding it after a digital betrayal can be a complex process. Therapists work with couples to gradually restore trust by encouraging transparency, consistency in actions, and emotional support. This process takes time, but with commitment and effort from both partners, it is possible to rebuild a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Recovering from digital betrayal is not easy, but couples therapy offers a structured approach to healing. By addressing the issues head-on and working together, couples can begin to rebuild the trust that has been lost. The therapy helps partners develop the tools they need to navigate the complexities of the digital world while maintaining a healthy, trusting relationship.
Get Started Today with Flourish Psychology
Flourish Psychology has an incredibly talented team of therapists that can provide couples counseling and related services to help you with these complex problems. We can also provide individual therapy, for those that are trying to gain a better understanding of themselves and take more control over their own behaviors.
At Flourish Psychology, we believe in helping both partners learn to better understand each other, and eventually themselves, and take a scientific approach to these types of relationship problems in order for both of you to move forward. For more information about our couples counseling services in NYC, please contact Flousih Psychology, today.