How Our Interpretation of Language Can Be a Relationship Tipping Point
We are couples counselors in New York City, and part of our role here at Flourish Psychology is to help couples better understand how the way they communicate affects their relationship. One concept that we may point out is “sentiment override.” It is a process where our partner’s speech is put through a filter designed to turn it into something positive or negative.
To understand this, imagine your partner asks you one of the following common questions:
- Did you remember to take the trash out?
- Did you make dinner?
- Did you do your work today?
- Did you do the dishes?
Picture your partner asking you one of these questions and then think about your response.
Do you feel like it’s a common, helpful reminder? Do you feel like your partner is just wondering if you completed this task?
Or do you feel like, if your partner asked you this question, it’s because they don’t believe in you. That they’re asking you because they don’t trust you and think you forgot. Or they’re asking you to nag you and bother you until you do what they say.
In these situations, a simple question is leading to two completely different reactions. In one, it is a harmless reminder or even a question that they’re asking just to know. In the other, that exact same question is being interpreted as an insult, jab, or to start conflict.
This is the “Sentiment Override.” It’s a cognitive filter that we add to our relationships that determines whether or not an ambiguous or harmless sentence from our partner is being interpreted positively or negatively (Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override). It also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Luckily, it is something that is possible to change.
More About Sentiment Override
The concept of Sentiment Override was developed by John Gottman, one of the most well known experts in the field of relationships and couples counseling. Gottman’s theory is that many couples have this pervasive “cognitive bias” that they use to interpret their partner’s words, actions, or even neutral behavior.
It’s like seeing the entire relationship through one lens, and everything that occurs is filtered through that lens.
It’s not limited to language either. One partner may be on their phone, and the other may interpret that as being upset at them. Or they may not text back right away and they interpret that as wanting to be alone or away from their partner.
Of course, not all sentiment override is negative. Both types exist:
- Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) – The relationship’s “emotional bank account” (the goodwill and trust we have for our partner) is in good standing. You give your partner the benefit of the doubt. A neutral or slightly negative behavior is interpreted within a context of overall good intentions.
- Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) – The relationship’s emotional bank account is overdrawn. You assume the worst. Even a positive or neutral behavior is interpreted through a filter of suspicion and negativity.
Keep in mind that we’re not saying that your reaction is necessarily wrong. Some partners are trying to start conflict when they ask a question like that. Maybe they do not trust that you took the trash out and are asking it with the intention of calling attention to your failures. That does happen, and within the couples counseling process, we make it a goal to address that.
Still, it’s easy to envision why it is emotionally unhealthy for us to interpret questions, statements, actions, or behaviors negatively. In fact, even in situations where a partner does have negative intentions with some of their questions, typically not all of their questions and statements are negative. But if we have this negative sentiment override filter, all of them will be interpreted in this way.
Why Does Negative Sentiment Override Matter?
NSO is not one small issue of many. Research has shown that it can actually be a fairly significant predictor of divorce. That is because it is can create issues between couples that are related to further challenges:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Within the neuroscience world, couples that are showing signs of NSO tend to have higher levels of stress hormones and increased heart rate compared to couple sin PSO. Their bodies are literally preparing to fight. That makes it much harder to listen, empathize, and problem solve.
So, if we are showing signs of NSO, then we need to find ways to increase PSO. The more positive interactions we have and the more we experience a sense of good will from our partners, the more connected we will feel and the less stress we will experience. This stops a cycle of negativity and helps the relationship heal and grow.
Repairing NSO Individually and Through Couples Counseling
Most relationship problems are cyclical, and NSO is no different. There is a reason that this is often addressed in couples counseling, because it can be hard to break the cycle when you’re both so committed to how you feel.
The first step is to recognize that it is a problem with BOTH partners. It is not one person’s fault. It is a relational dynamic – something that you have created together through your interactions.
The next step is to rebuild that emotional bank account – to build trust and good will towards each other so that you have more positive experiences to look back on and access.
Our therapists and couples counselors use their own approaches based on your needs to address this, but part of the process that Gottman recommends is spending more time per week (they call this the “Magic 5 Hours”) building positive connection through affection, getting to know new things about each other, learning to express appreciation, and prioritizing weekly fun dates.
When we create more positive experiences and interactions, we then change this cycle of negative filtering, and can build most trust in our partner’s intentions.
Help for Your Relationship with Flourish Psychology
Relationships are more likely to struggle with there are recurring negative patterns. Breaking that cycle is important for developing better habits and rebuilding the relationship’s trust and, ultimately, it’s Positive Sentiment Override.
If your relationship feels like it needs help, please reach out to Flourish Psychology in Brooklyn, today.