Often, when a couple seeks out couples counseling, it is because they are fighting often. They’re arguing, they’re resentful, they’re making snide comments – they see aggression and disgust in ways that cause harm in their relationship, and they want to see if there is a way to solve those issues and make the relationship work.
Still, every couple is made up of two individuals, each one that has their own desires, their own needs, their own wants, and their own feelings. While this has the potential to create frequent conflict, that conflict – while not desirable – is not always a sign of a relationship that’s struggling. While frequent conflict can be upsetting, conflict itself is something that can happen when two distinct people try to make a partnership work.
The Problem is Not Necessarily Conflict – It’s How You Reconnect After
What matters is not necessarily the conflict itself, which is going to occur now and then even in the most loving, most successful of relationships. What often matters more is how you make up afterwards.
One term for this is “Rupture and Repair.” Conflict puts distance between two partners. Repair is how you fix the problem.
It is the “Repair” portion where many struggling couples have the most problems. Most people know how to argue. They don’t always know how to make up. To be successful, couples need to be able to navigate their challenges, listen, learn, grow, and heal. Most couples that are struggling, however:
- Give up
- Ignore it
- Grow resentful
- Hold grudges
- Argue until they “win”
Rather than trying to understand their partner, they simply allow the issue to linger until it is forgotten, or hold onto it to use it again in the future.
Successful and happy couples, on the other hand, try to navigate these things together. They try to build emotional attachment with each other. They try to heal. Even if they still disagree or they can’t fix anything, they intend to at least understand each other more and feel heard.
This process – this “Repair” – not only helps solve part of the conflict but makes couples stronger. It:
- Grows emotional trust and attachment.
- Helps provide immediate stress reduction.
- Prevents more frequent future conflict.
Often, the strength of a relationship improves considerably when you learn how to connect after in a healthy way. Conflict still arises, but how you solve that connection has real benefits on your ability to feel close, intimate, and in love.
Learning to Repair a Relationship the Right Way
Those that feel they’re really struggling in relationships benefit greatly from learning how to repair relationships more effectively. This involves truly listening and trying to understand what your partner is saying, even if you disagree, taking responsibility for your own role in the conflict, offering reassurance on the relationship, and more.
It’s a process, but it’s an effective one. In that sense, couples counseling isn’t necessarily designed to stop all conflict. Couples in love are still going to have disagreements. But, if you address them in the right way, you can heal from it and maybe even grow closer as a result. Reach out today to learn more.