It is important, for the health of a relationship, to see your relationship as a “we” rather than a “me.” We have to understand and recognize that, even though this is two individuals, the success of the relationship requires viewing it as its own single entity.
Indeed, there is even an argument to be made that changing your language from “me” and “you” to “we” and “us” can have substantial benefits.
Still, we also know that this IS two different people. Each person has their own history. They have their own likes and dislikes. They have their own personality and, frequently, they have their own traumas.
It is not uncommon within the context of couples counseling to notice that something is standing in the way of progress. Often, that “something” is a person’s individual mental health. For example, if one person has trauma in their past that causes high or specific emotions to be triggered, it may be difficult to create change within the relationship.
EMDR and Therapy to Support Couples Counseling
Let’s talk about trauma, specifically. When a person experiences a traumatic event, studies have shown that the memory of the event fragments into different areas of the brain, and is thus incapable of being processed and moved towards the long term storage centers of our memory. It’s why many people feel emotions (and even memories) of still experiencing the event as if it was still going on, or “like it was yesterday.”
Couples counseling can help to health challenges between a couple, but it is not going to process traumatic memories. For that, you may need something like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
EMDR is a highly effective approach to dealing with trauma. Your therapist – one that specializes in EMDR – safely and comfortably walks you through the event while performing eye movements and rhythmic motions to help you process the event and move it to long term storage.
EMDR is a separate service. But when one – or both – individuals in couples counseling are struggling with unresolved trauma, EMDR offers a solution that can solve that part of the challenge so that you both can focus on the rest of couples therapy.
Trauma – and, by extension, EMDR – is not the only issue or solution either. Many relationships are affected by other mental health issues as well, such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Work Stress
Attachment
We are more likely to have trouble in a relationship if we’re affected by these issues, especially if they’re untreated. Thus, providing someone with individual therapy – EMDR or otherwise – can be a very helpful part of trying to address a couple’s issues.
Relationships Are Where Two Become One – But Are Still Two
Interestingly, a part of couples counseling is to try to help both partners realize that they are, in many ways, a single entity. We have them change their language from “Me” and “I” to “We” and “Us” because couples are more likely to be successful when they recognize that they are a team, and a single thing in many ways.
Still, these are still two people, and two people are going to have their own needs. So, while couples counseling can be used to address the needs of the couple, sometimes you have to look at yourself as an individual to determine what you need to help you move forward.
How Our Interpretation of Language Can Be a Relationship Tipping Point
We are couples counselors in New York City, and part of our role here at Flourish Psychology is to help couples better understand how the way they communicate affects their relationship. One concept that we may point out is “sentiment override.” It is a process where our partner’s speech is put through a filter designed to turn it into something positive or negative.
To understand this, imagine your partner asks you one of the following common questions:
Did you remember to take the trash out?
Did you make dinner?
Did you do your work today?
Did you do the dishes?
Picture your partner asking you one of these questions and then think about your response.
Do you feel like it’s a common, helpful reminder? Do you feel like your partner is just wondering if you completed this task?
Or do you feel like, if your partner asked you this question, it’s because they don’t believe in you. That they’re asking you because they don’t trust you and think you forgot. Or they’re asking you to nag you and bother you until you do what they say.
In these situations, a simple question is leading to two completely different reactions. In one, it is a harmless reminder or even a question that they’re asking just to know. In the other, that exact same question is being interpreted as an insult, jab, or to start conflict.
This is the “Sentiment Override.” It’s a cognitive filter that we add to our relationships that determines whether or not an ambiguous or harmless sentence from our partner is being interpreted positively or negatively (Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override). It also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Luckily, it is something that is possible to change.
More About Sentiment Override
The concept of Sentiment Override was developed by John Gottman, one of the most well known experts in the field of relationships and couples counseling. Gottman’s theory is that many couples have this pervasive “cognitive bias” that they use to interpret their partner’s words, actions, or even neutral behavior.
It’s like seeing the entire relationship through one lens, and everything that occurs is filtered through that lens.
It’s not limited to language either. One partner may be on their phone, and the other may interpret that as being upset at them. Or they may not text back right away and they interpret that as wanting to be alone or away from their partner.
Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) – The relationship’s “emotional bank account” (the goodwill and trust we have for our partner) is in good standing. You give your partner the benefit of the doubt. A neutral or slightly negative behavior is interpreted within a context of overall good intentions.
Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) – The relationship’s emotional bank account is overdrawn. You assume the worst. Even a positive or neutral behavior is interpreted through a filter of suspicion and negativity.
Keep in mind that we’re not saying that your reaction is necessarily wrong. Some partners are trying to start conflict when they ask a question like that. Maybe they do not trust that you took the trash out and are asking it with the intention of calling attention to your failures. That does happen, and within the couples counseling process, we make it a goal to address that.
Still, it’s easy to envision why it is emotionally unhealthy for us to interpret questions, statements, actions, or behaviors negatively. In fact, even in situations where a partner does have negative intentions with some of their questions, typically not all of their questions and statements are negative. But if we have this negative sentiment override filter, all of them will be interpreted in this way.
Why Does Negative Sentiment Override Matter?
NSO is not one small issue of many. Research has shown that it can actually be a fairly significant predictor of divorce. That is because it is can create issues between couples that are related to further challenges:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Within the neuroscience world, couples that are showing signs of NSO tend to have higher levels of stress hormones and increased heart rate compared to couple sin PSO. Their bodies are literally preparing to fight. That makes it much harder to listen, empathize, and problem solve.
So, if we are showing signs of NSO, then we need to find ways to increase PSO. The more positive interactions we have and the more we experience a sense of good will from our partners, the more connected we will feel and the less stress we will experience. This stops a cycle of negativity and helps the relationship heal and grow.
Repairing NSO Individually and Through Couples Counseling
Most relationship problems are cyclical, and NSO is no different. There is a reason that this is often addressed in couples counseling, because it can be hard to break the cycle when you’re both so committed to how you feel.
The first step is to recognize that it is a problem with BOTH partners. It is not one person’s fault. It is a relational dynamic – something that you have created together through your interactions.
The next step is to rebuild that emotional bank account – to build trust and good will towards each other so that you have more positive experiences to look back on and access.
Our therapists and couples counselors use their own approaches based on your needs to address this, but part of the process that Gottman recommends is spending more time per week (they call this the “Magic 5 Hours”) building positive connection through affection, getting to know new things about each other, learning to express appreciation, and prioritizing weekly fun dates.
When we create more positive experiences and interactions, we then change this cycle of negative filtering, and can build most trust in our partner’s intentions.
Help for Your Relationship with Flourish Psychology
Relationships are more likely to struggle with there are recurring negative patterns. Breaking that cycle is important for developing better habits and rebuilding the relationship’s trust and, ultimately, it’s Positive Sentiment Override.
“Aww, they grow up so fast.” That’s a phase that many have heard before while talking about kids of any age.
It’s also true.
At least, while it can’t be quantified, most parents will say that it feels their “baby” stage went by in the blink of an eye, and that they grow into teenagers a few blinks more than that.
This isn’t just a thing people say because they want their kids to stay young, either. It’s an actual feeling that many people have as they look at their growing children and realize their youth is over/ending.
But why does that happen?
How can a time period “go by” too fast?
Short Time Between Leaps
One reason that it feels like this time period goes quickly is because some parts of it actually do. “Newborn” is only one month, after which they start growing real baby features. Smiling and attention comes a few weeks later. Then there’s laughing, sitting, standing, making sounds like words, then finally crawling, walking, and talking.
For most children, all this growth happens in about 1 year.
That is a lot of growth and change to condense into such a short period of time. This time “goes by so fast” literally. Even after ~1 year old, they go from:
Sounds to full on conversations.
Barely walking to running full sprint.
Wearing diapers to, eventually, using toilets.
Going to school, making friends, learning math, and eventually becoming little adults.
Within a few more years they go from being amazed at the sounds a water bottle makes to going into the fridge and asking if they can have milk.
They start school at about 5 years old and can hit puberty and be almost as tall as their moms by 9 to 10.
They grow up very, very fast, and are changing rapidly during that time.
The Realities of Parenting
Another reason this time period “goes by so fast” is because of the realities of what parenting is really like.
Most of us are not just sitting around, playing with our children all day and creating a host of memories. We are:
Barely sleeping.
Navigating the new stresses of parenting.
Trying to manage a relationship.
On our phones.
Working.
Our children are also napping often, which means that they’re asleep through large chunks of the day. So, not only is it a short period of time, but we’re not present with them during that time, and often we’re also very tired and distracted.
Even the anxiety brought on by parenting can cause issues like memory loss and distraction, often making it feel like time goes by quicker.
The Growth is Gradual and Quick Simultaneously
A baby/child’s face changes dramatically from birth to being a teen. But it does so in small, gradual ways that we only notice by looking back at old pictures or trying to remember what their face looked like.
It’s sort of like boiling a frog. If they immediately jumped from baby face to teen face, you would be rightfully shocked and notice the change in a way that made their baby face more memorable. But instead, their face changes little by little day by day, in ways that are often imperceptible at first glance. That means that every time you’re looking at your child’s face, it looks roughly the same in your mind than it did before.
Yet, suddenly, you’ll think or look back on how your child used to look and realize how much they’ve changed. Because of that it will feel like it all happened in the blink of an eye, despite it really happening over time.
It is not just their appearance that changes either. Their knowledge, their confidence, and more. Children learn to read like this – they know a few letters, then a few sounded out words, and suddenly they’re reading words you did not know they can read. It can feel like it’s happening slowly because it’s happening over time, but suddenly you’ll realize how much has changed in such a short time and how you didn’t get a chance to truly think about and process it in the moment.
How Can Therapy Help?
Therapy may not be able to slow down time or prevent your child from growing up. But it can help with some of the things that make it difficult to truly remember and appreciate this time in a child’s life. For example:
Helping You Cope with the Stresses of Parenting – Some nervousness with kids is normal, but anxiety and stress do not have to be inevitable. We can work together to try to help you cope with the stresses of parenting so that you can focus on the best parts of it.
Couples Therapy – Couples counseling is not limited to couples that are struggling. Sometimes, it’s to help make sure that you’re working together as a team, something that comes up a lot when you have babies. Couples therapy can help reduce conflicts, which in turn makes it easier for you to focus on parenthood.
Mindfulness – Too much of life these days is spent on external things like phone, TV, work politics, etc. Sometimes, we need someone to help us learn to be more present in the moment so that we can really enjoy and take in all the things that our children are bringing to us, and we can be the best parents we can be.
Sleep Support – If you have issues like anxiety that you’re already struggling with, those make it even harder to sleep at a time when sleep is already hard to get. Mental health treatments in a general sense can help make sure you’re getting enough sleep so your memories are sharp and so time doesn’t feel like it’s moving as quickly. Sleep deprivation specifically affects how we experience the passage of time.
Therapists can help if you have postpartum depression. Therapists can help if you have conflicts with your child as they are getting older that is making it harder to bond. Therapists can help you manage your own aging, so that you can enjoy your own life more (which simultaneously helps life slow down for you).
Therapists can also help you with your own traumas and challenges, so that your child does not *have* to grow up too fast from a maturity standpoint, providing you more time with a kid that is able to be a kid.
A Therapist So You Get the Most From Your Child’s Development
Your child is still going to grow up, and it’s still going to be too fast. But how fast it feels and how many memories we make during that time period are affected by your mental health and your relationship.
Sometimes, when a relationship is struggling, we can feel uncomfortable around our partner. We can feel like at any moment, we’re going to do something that is going to cause some type of conflict, and that there is almost nothing we can do to avoid it.
This is the origin of a popular phase in relationships, “walking on eggshells.” It is about feeling like you’re always on high alert not to start a fight, and that no matter what you try you’re going to break something that will cause you to argue or upset each other.
This is often one of the main signs that a relationship is struggling and may benefit from couples counseling and other interventions. Today, let’s talk about what “walking on eggshells” really means, how it affects people psychologically, and what we can do about it.
The Psychological Roots of “Walking on Eggshells”
When we use the phrase “walking on eggshells” we are referring to a feeling – a feeling that you are on the verge of another conflict of some kind. So, when a person feels that way, they have a fear of conflict. They are:
Trying to avoid anger, criticism, or emotional outbursts from a partner.
They reacting to past negative reactions (for example, frequent occurrences of something small starting a much larger argument).
They are afraid of rejection, abandonment, or someone’s power over their emotional and mental health.
Walking on eggshells is, in many ways, a form of anxiety. It is a sign that you’re feeling nervous about something occurring. It is also something that puts a person on edge to such a degree that, depending on the relationship dynamics, you may also end up putting your partner on edge as you wait for them to get upset at you (though this all depends on the types of conflicts you are having).
When someone is “walking on eggshells,” they are overanalyzing their words and actions to avoid upsetting a partner, they are suppressing their emotions or opinions to prevent conflict, and they feel tense and drained even when no conflict occurs.
Why This is a Psychological as Well as Relationship Problem
It is not difficult to envision how and why this is an issue within a relationship. When at least one partner is walking on eggshells, if not both, that means that there are more conflicts and that there is a wedge that is affecting trust within the couple.
But let’s talk about its direct effect on you. If you are the one walking on eggshells:
You’re experiencing chronic stress and anxiety.
You’re experiencing something that can be defined as a “trauma response.”
You’re experiencing a loss of power within a relationship.
You’re losing your sense of self and identity, possibly unable to share your real self.
You’re building up resentment that could spill out for a long time.
You’re typically censoring yourself and your feelings.
Chronic stress is its own significant problem. The longer a person lives with stress, the more they are at risk for anxiety and depression. It also can make a relationship feel naturally harmful in ways that continue to damage a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
Walking on eggshells can also be a sign of abuse, if this is a one-sided dynamic where one partner tries to appease another while showing fear about what the other partner will do. It can also be a mutual issue. Constant, ongoing conflict over small things can create the feeling in both partners. This is especially common when communication has broken down and neither partner is listening to each other.
Every relationship is different, so what “walking on eggshells” means may vary depending on the relationship dynamic. But in any scenario, it is something that causes significant problems within a relationship.
Breaking the Cycle Through Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy
Walking on eggshells, as a feeling and behavior, is unsustainable. The longer a person feels that way, the more it becomes constant and ongoing stress and resentment.
Yet one issue standing in the way of stopping it is that it is indicative of a lack of safe communication. If both partners felt free to easily talk to each other, then it would be unlikely that they would feel like they’re walking on eggshells. The very feeling like someone is walking on eggshells means that communication has broken down and one of the best ways to fix that is to create a safe space to begin conversations again.
Couples counseling, specifically, creates a safe and unbiased space to chat. Then, should conflict arise, the therapist can help ease the situation while also helping both partners say how they feel and understand each other better.
In addition, psychotherapy can be a very useful tool for understanding your own emotions and trauma. Those that are in – or are leaving – abuse relationships find that it can help them re-discover themselves and gain the strength they need to move forward. Those that are not in abusive relationships but just anxious in their own can get support for their overall mental health, including their stress and anxiety, to better feel comfortable in their day to day lives.
Working with a therapist can be immensely beneficial on both an individual and a relationship level, and creates the safe space that you need to move forward. Reach out today to get started.
It’s hard to explain fandom. It’s more than liking something. We can watch a movie, maybe even love a movie, but there is a difference in many ways between finding a movie interesting and being a “fan” of it. Being a fan traditionally means that we feel very strongly about the product in question. We can “like” chocolate. But to be a fan of it, we have to live chocolate, advocate for it, make it a part of our lives.
We have to become one with the chocolate.
We may not see this so much with snacks, but we do see this with pop culture. We see devoted fans of Star Trek, Star Wars, Harry Potter. We see passionate fans of BTS, Backstreet Boys, and Blackpink. We know that there are – or were – grown adults that were heavily invested in the teenage relationships of fictional characters in Twilight.
This is fandom.
Fandom is something psychological. So let’s talk about it from a psychological perspective. What even is fandom psychologically, and how does it work?
All About Fandom
When we talk about fandom from a psychological perspective, we’re really talking about how the human brain builds connections – not just to people we know in real life, but to ideas, stories, music, fictional characters, and even entire worlds that don’t physically exist.
Fandom feels powerful because it uses the same biological and neurological systems that evolved to help us bond with other humans and find meaning in social experiences.
At the core of fandom is the brain’s reward circuitry, particularly involving a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is released when we experience pleasure, excitement, or anticipation. When we listen to a song we love, watch a long-awaited movie, or even think about a favorite character, dopamine surges in the brain.
Over time, these repeated bursts of dopamine create a strong emotional imprint, making the object of our fandom feel personally important to us.
Next: Emotional Memory
So now we know that fandom results from a chemical in the brain that makes us feel good. But that’s not what makes fandom really take hold. For that, we’re looking at emotional memory.
When an experience creates a strong feeling in the brain, it is stored in a way that is more vivid and “real” than neutral memories. Think about how people become incredibly invested in sports teams, for example. Typically, you’re invested in a sports team because you grew up in that general market and made real, meaningful memories there.
Even if you move away, you remain a fan of that initial sports team because that’s the one that has the more vivid memories. Even if you start to forget some of those specific memories over time, the logo, the cheers, the players, and more will all provide you with those feelings. That enhances your connection further.
Culture and Parasocial Connections
At this point, we can identify that some things create very strong feelings of joy. But still, that doesn’t entirely explain fandom on its own, especially because there are many things that we enjoy that do not have a fandom.
Another component of fandom comes from the sense of community and belonging.
Fandom itself has a culture, and culture creates a sense of community. Human beings are wired to seek a feeling of belonging. The shared culture/community of fandom, such as through band support, a story universe, and the way that certain types of products have permeated through culture gives one a sense of feeling like they belong and a way to enjoy the beliefs, traditions, and more that one experiences around it.
Fandom also creates a type of parasocial connection – a connection to people that we do not know, but we still feel strongly towards. Sometimes, this is the object of our fandom, like a sports team, single, or character in a movie. Other times, it’s the people around us that are also fans. We may feel closer to people that hold the same beliefs as us.
Either way, these are the same neural pathways that activate when we have close personal friends. Thus, our fandom makes us feel like we have people in our lives that we are deeply connected to – people that give us joy, even without a two way relationship.
Sense of Identity
Lastly, once embraced, fandom becomes a part of our identity. We tend to see ourselves through our fandom. This can have its benefits and weaknesses, but in a general sense, it continues to give us a sense of self that we can carry with us in other ways.
The Positive Side of Fandom
There can be a toxicity to fandom, which we’ll address in a moment, but fandom can also be very fulfilling and valuable in our lives. Fandom can:
Provide us with an *actual* community. While we spoke earlier about how fandom gives us a sense of being part of a community, shared fandom can create actual community, as people can bond over their similar feelings and beliefs and find comfort in seeing fandom in others.
Create positive feelings. When life does feel challenging, fandom can create positive feelings that people may otherwise struggle to find. Musical fandom, for example, can be uplifting and a great release when other things in a person’s life feel like a challenge.
Provide “social support.” Social support refers to feeling like there’s others that are there for you if you need them, whether or not they are actually there. At times, we can feel alone and without social support. Fandom can then help provide some level of social support to get us through these more challenging times.
Loving something enough to be a fan of it can be a very fulfilling experience. For example, fans of anime that dress up in cosplay costumes find incredible joy from looking like their favorite characters and attending events with others that are engaging in these behaviors as well. That’s something that can provide positive feelings for years.
Of course, fandom does have its downsides as well. Fandom can become escapism, where a person tries to live in the fantasy world at the expense of their responsibilities and lives in the real world. The parasocial relationships in fandom can also become too strong – a person can feel like character they’re a fan of loves them back, which in turn can create an emotional overinvestment.
Fandom can also potentially lead to emotional challenges like depression. For example, if a person’s fandom is a TV show, and the show is canceled, that can create a sadness and emptiness that may persist in other ways.
Finally, fandom can lead to gatekeeping and behavior and social conflicts. Because fandom can be an identity, some people find that they’re very vocal or defensive about this identity and how it relates to others.
Fandom and Mental Health
Fandom, in a sense, is neither good nor bad. It can have its benefits for people, and its weaknesses. It depends on how someone experiences that fandom and it affects their relationship with the world around them.
But one thing that is clear about fandom is that it is more than just liking something. There are very reasonable psychological reasons that people become “diehard fans,” and it’s important for everyone to recognize these reasons and understand why people experience them.
If you or someone you love is struggling with mental health issues, or fandom has taken too strong a role in a person’s life, reach out to Flourish Psychology, today.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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