We often talk about social anxiety by referring to its effects on relationships. Yet, what make social anxiety so challenging and so problematic is that it affects us even when we are not engaging in social activities. Like other forms of anxiety, social anxiety is ongoing and constant, and it is in our best interests to make sure that we are addressing this anxiety so that we can improve not only our social life, but the rest of our decision making as well.
The Ways Social Anxiety Shapes Decision Making
Remember, social anxiety is always there. It does not just appear when you’re in a party or a meeting. It, like most forms of anxiety, touches everything that you do.
That means that it can also guide choices that you make throughout the day. It affects decisions you make about work, school, dating, marriage, and much more.
Many people living with social anxiety make decisions based on fear of judgment rather than personal preference or practical benefit. This can influence everything from small routines to major life paths.
Avoiding Opportunities – A person with social anxiety may decline a job interview, pass on a promotion, or avoid signing up for a class because they anticipate embarrassment or fear not meeting expectations. These choices limit personal growth.
Over-Preparation and Perfectionism – Decisions can become slowed by the need to prepare excessively. Writing an email, submitting work, or even posting online may require multiple drafts because of concern about how others might perceive mistakes.
Choosing Convenience Over Preference – Something as simple as deciding where to shop or which restaurant to order from may be shaped by which option feels less likely to involve social stress, even if it is not the person’s preferred choice.
Difficulty Saying “No” – Fear of disappointing others or being seen negatively can lead to agreeing to commitments that do not align with personal goals or comfort.
Withdrawing from Conflict – When facing disagreements, the decision may be to avoid confrontation entirely, even at the expense of personal needs or fairness.
Trouble Analyzing Others – Negative self talk may cause people to misunderstand social media posts, texts, and more, as they assume that other people do not see the world the way they do, leading to worse decisions.
Any decision that is fueled by anxiety is one that may not be right for the person experiencing it. Instead of going through life in such a way that they’re able to make decisions that benefit them, they may be choosing things not just based on the anxiety itself, but on the way it shapes their opinions.
The Ongoing Effects of Social Phobia
Another factor to consider is the way that social anxiety reinforces its own behaviors. When you make small decisions in the moment based on your social anxiety, you create patterns that reinforce avoidance behaviors and problematic thinking.
This both:
Causes you to have more social anxiety and allow it to control you further.
Leads to situations where you’re in a job, relationship, or something else you do not want, leading to more unhappiness and, ultimately, more anxiety about life.
This is one reason why social anxiety is never limited to social experiences. When you have social anxiety, it quietly influences everyday decisions, leaving less space for spontaneity, growth, or authenticity.
Moving Toward Healthier Decision Making
Addressing social anxiety means more than reducing fear in social events. It involves building awareness of how anxiety guides decisions and working to shift the decision-making process back toward personal goals rather than avoidance.
Even if you feel like your social anxiety is manageable – maybe you have a few close friends, or you’re in a good relationship, or you’ve accepted this anxiety as a part of yourself – it’s always touching the decisions you make and the behaviors you do.
Treat social anxiety instead. You’ll find that you’re happier and more fulfilled when your anxiety is in your control.
EMDR is a fascinating therapy – one of the best tools we have for taking traumatic experiences and processing them so that they no longer control our lives.
Studies have shown that, during a traumatic event, the experience and memories of the event fragment and spread all throughout the brain. This causes them to never truly be processed and moved to long term storage the way that most experiences are, which is why a person still reacts to triggers in life as though the event is still happening.
With Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), the person – in the presence of an EMDR therapist – uses eye movements, rhythmic motions, and guidance from the therapist to go through the events, access these fragments, and move them to long term memory. It’s a highly effective process that has received substantial research and attention, all of which confirms it is effective.
We’re finding that many different types of experiences can be processed with EMDR. Yet the process can differ depending on the trauma. For those with a very specific traumatic event – for example an assault or car accident – it is easy to envision what EMDR might look like. But what about something more ongoing? What about situations in which the trauma was not one experience, but an ongoing on, such as with childhood trauma and neglect?
EMDR for Traumatic Childhoods
When EMDR is focused on an ongoing experience rather than a specific one, the process can take longer and feel different, though the goals and science are very similar.
Childhood trauma often does not revolve around a single event. Instead, it may be issues such as:
Years Of Neglect
Repeated Exposure To Physical Or Emotional Conflict
Emotional Abuse
Unstable Caregiving
Drug Use, And More
Each of these types of experiences disperse around the brain similarly, leaves fragments in memory that build on each other. In a way, you’re not addressing a single trauma, but multiple, and doing so in a way that helps each part process the next.
In this type of EMDR, the therapist works with the individual to identify the earliest or most impactful memories that represent those experiences. Rather than processing only one isolated memory, EMDR for childhood trauma often addresses a series of linked experiences that together shaped how the brain responds to the world.
Working through childhood trauma with EMDR can feel less like confronting a single painful event and more like revisiting patterns of experiences.
The EMDR therapist may guide the person to focus on a specific memory of neglect or abandonment, but through the process, other connected memories may surface. The rhythmic movements or bilateral stimulation help the brain safely revisit those moments and gradually move them into long-term memory, where they no longer trigger the same emotional or physical responses.
People often describe the process as tiring but relieving. Sessions may bring up intense emotions in the moment, but afterward, the memories lose their sharpness and stop feeling as though they are happening in the present.
Over time, this reduces not only trauma responses but also the beliefs formed in childhood, such as feeling unworthy, unsafe, or unloved.
Why EMDR Works Well for Childhood Trauma
Keep in mind that EMDR is one of many treatments available. We want to meet you first and talk to you about your experiences, to see if EMDR or another approach, like CBT, may be the right fit.
Still, EMDR remains a highly effective option.
Childhood trauma can be, with other approaches, difficult to treat because it is tied to development. The experiences often shape a child’s view of themselves and their relationships. How you feel now is directly related to your past, and so addressing these experiences also means addressing your entire belief system.
EMDR is powerful in these cases because it allows the brain to reprocess not just the memory, but also the emotions and beliefs tied to it, such as:
Someone neglected in childhood may carry the belief that their needs are a burden. EMDR helps break that link by reframing those early experiences as memories rather than current truths.
A person who lived in an unsafe or unpredictable home may still respond to conflict as if danger is imminent. EMDR helps reduce that automatic fear response by integrating the memories into long-term storage.
By targeting both the events and the negative self-beliefs that formed around them, EMDR allows healing at a deeper level than simply “remembering differently.”
Psychotherapy with Flourish Psychology of NYC
Healing childhood trauma with EMDR is rarely instant. It may take many sessions, and it may involve revisiting multiple layers of experiences. But progress is often steady. Over time, people notice that triggers lose their intensity, emotions feel more manageable, and the old beliefs tied to childhood no longer dictate how they live their lives.
Every individual’s journey with trauma is different, and so is the approach with EMDR. It all starts by connecting with a therapist first, allowing us to learn more about you, and then seeing where the EMDR takes us. If you’ve experienced childhood trauma and are interested in help, reach out to Flourish Psychology, today.
On average, a 40 year old adult sleeps about 6.5 to 7 hours a day. That is average. A large percentage of the population sleeps even less than that.
You need 7 to 9 hours of sleep per day for optimum health – not just physical health, but mental health too – and yet we’re getting so much less than that. Most of the time, even though we don’t always feel this way, this is a problem of our own making.
Why do we get so little sleep?
What does our mental health have to do with it?
Why do we need to make sure we get more and what can we do to get there?
Let’s talk about it.
Why Do We Get So Little Sleep?
It often feels like we’re so busy, we don’t have time to sleep. There’s a little bit of truth to that, but most of us absolutely have the ability to go to bed earlier and try to get more rest. The problem is often not that we can’t get enough sleep, but rather we simply don’t. We stay awake as long as possible, and then wake up early the next day before 7 to 9 hours has passed.
We do this for a variety of reasons, many of which are mental health related:
Revenge Bedtime Procrastination – We experience so much activity during the day, often in ways that don’t feel like “ours” that we take reclaim our time by staying awake as long as possible. Ironically, we often spend this time doing activities that do not satisfy this procrastination (like scrolling our phones instead of doing productive hobbies). In any event, we fight the urge to go to sleep in favor of trying to stay up as late as we can so we feel like we had more time in the day.
Excessive Stimulation – Though not directly a mental health issue, far more of us are spending time on our phones and on screens, and this can be a serious problem. Scrolling phones causes issues like digital overload, which make us feel like we’re resting but in reality are overprocessing our brains. Why we spend so much time on our phones can be examined from a mental health perspective, from doomscrolling habits to phone addiction.
Stress/Anxiety – Stress and anxiety both release hormones and neurotransmitters that both make it harder to fall asleep and make it harder to get a deep sleep. These issues can also be cyclical, as a lack of sleep is known to cause more stress and anxiety. Some anxiety disorders, like panic attacks, can make it especially hard to fall asleep.
Depression – Depression itself causes significant sleep disruption as one of its symptoms. When a person has depression, their neurotransmitters are out of balance, leading to challenging sleep/wake cycles and even worse sleep quality.
We often assume that missing sleep will make us more tired later, but that is often not the case. When we don’t sleep, we tend to experience more stress and anxiety (keeping us awake). We also have more irritability, which lowers tolerance for stress, and we often self medicate with caffeine which can keep us awake even more.
In all of these situations, we do have the ability to go to sleep, but we are either choosing not to for mental health reasons, or our mental health is making it too difficult for us to fall asleep when we need to.
You Need More Sleep
Entire books have been written about why we need more than 7 hours of sleep a night, and this does not need to be completely rehashed here, but sleep is required to improve our physical health (prevent diabetes, improve immune system function, and even reduce obesity), as well as our cognitive function and long term brain health (sleep clears waste products from the brain, reducing risk of dementia, and improves attention and memory consolidation).
But you also need sleep for your mental health. You need sleep to problem solve, reduce stress, and even prevent the development of worsening anxiety and depression. As much as it may feel like staying up is preferable, human beings desperately require sleep in ways that are absolutely necessary for short and long term mental health and wellness.
Since poor sleep can also lead to issues that lead to further poor sleep, breaking this cycle intentionally is especially important.
What Can Be Done?
One way that you can address a lack of sleep is, of course, by going to sleep. Having a consistent schedule where you go to bed at roughly the same time, even on weekends, no matter how much time you had to yourself during the day can help to create a rhythm where you become tired at the same time and fall asleep more easily.
You can also limit caffeine and, perhaps crucially, limit screen time considerably – especially after dark.
But in the absence of those things (or if you struggle to do those things on your own), consider seeing a therapist. You’ll find that many of the issues that stand in your way are mental health related, and benefit from talking to someone that can help guide you towards a more rested, happier future.
Society’s attitudes towards mental health have changed considerably from where they were even a few decades ago. Seeking therapy, especially in places like New York City, is considered normal and encouraged.
Still, many people have trouble asking for help. Not just with mental health, but with anything. They don’t like asking their friends to help them move. They have trouble asking their family for advice or emotional support. They feel uncomfortable asking coworkers to take on parts of their projects.
They believe that they NEED to handle things on their own. It’s a part of their upbringing, almost like an identity.
It’s hard to seek help from a therapist when you have this mindset. Yet, it’s important to also take a moment to show you seeking a therapist is NOT asking for help. At least not the way you’re thinking about it.
In fact, seeing a therapist is exactly the behavior that you expect from someone that is handling things on their own.
Let’s talk about what we mean.
Are You Asking for Help When You See a Doctor?
Imagine your leg got a cut with a painful infection. What would you do?
You would call the doctor. Obviously.
Is that “asking for help?” No. It’s actually handling things on your own. You had a problem, a doctor can solve it, so you called the doctor. You didn’t need help from anyone to do that. Calling a doctor was the way to handle it on your own.
What would happen if your car broke down?
You would call a mechanic, or a towing company. You would not be “asking others to help” you do that. You would be the one “handling it” by calling the towing company and getting your car repaired.
You get the idea here.
So what happens when you have trouble with your mental health?
You’re not “asking for help” by reaching out to a therapist. You are doing the logical step – GETTING help from the person that is most qualified to provide that help. You’re then paying that person to do their job by helping you improve your mental health.
All of this IS handling things yourself, because you are the one, all on your own, seeking the solution to your challenges.
The Psychological Effects Behind Asking for Help
In addition, depending on what you feel you are struggling with, the difficulty asking for help may be a symptom – or even a cause – of the condition.
For example, there are those that struggle with what’s known as “functional anxiety.” This is a term that refers to individuals that tend to overachieve. Anxiety almost becomes fuel that pushes them to accept more projects, work harder, work extra, and be perfectionists in everything they do. These individuals struggle with asking for help because their anxiety pushes them to accept everything that comes their way.
There are also those that take on too much because they feel it’s their responsibility to care for others. These individuals tend to have considerable problems “asking for help” because they were raised to be the caregivers of the family, or the person responsible for keeping things together. This can cause a person to feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and anxious. In this case, the person’s tendency to feel responsible for others is a possible cause of their anxiety, and thus something that needs to be addressed.
Find a Therapist for Your Mental Health
As you can see, the challenges people have asking for help can cause (or be caused by) a person’s mental health, and – if you think deeply about it – contacting a therapist is doing things on your own anyway. It is not a sign of weakness, it is not leaning on others, it is not inconveniencing anyone. It is seeking a problem (“I need help”) and solving it.
See what therapy can do for you. If you’re in New York, reach out to Flourish Psychology and let’s begin the process of getting you the support that your mental health needs.
It is important, for the health of a relationship, to see your relationship as a “we” rather than a “me.” We have to understand and recognize that, even though this is two individuals, the success of the relationship requires viewing it as its own single entity.
Indeed, there is even an argument to be made that changing your language from “me” and “you” to “we” and “us” can have substantial benefits.
Still, we also know that this IS two different people. Each person has their own history. They have their own likes and dislikes. They have their own personality and, frequently, they have their own traumas.
It is not uncommon within the context of couples counseling to notice that something is standing in the way of progress. Often, that “something” is a person’s individual mental health. For example, if one person has trauma in their past that causes high or specific emotions to be triggered, it may be difficult to create change within the relationship.
EMDR and Therapy to Support Couples Counseling
Let’s talk about trauma, specifically. When a person experiences a traumatic event, studies have shown that the memory of the event fragments into different areas of the brain, and is thus incapable of being processed and moved towards the long term storage centers of our memory. It’s why many people feel emotions (and even memories) of still experiencing the event as if it was still going on, or “like it was yesterday.”
Couples counseling can help to health challenges between a couple, but it is not going to process traumatic memories. For that, you may need something like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
EMDR is a highly effective approach to dealing with trauma. Your therapist – one that specializes in EMDR – safely and comfortably walks you through the event while performing eye movements and rhythmic motions to help you process the event and move it to long term storage.
EMDR is a separate service. But when one – or both – individuals in couples counseling are struggling with unresolved trauma, EMDR offers a solution that can solve that part of the challenge so that you both can focus on the rest of couples therapy.
Trauma – and, by extension, EMDR – is not the only issue or solution either. Many relationships are affected by other mental health issues as well, such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Work Stress
Attachment
We are more likely to have trouble in a relationship if we’re affected by these issues, especially if they’re untreated. Thus, providing someone with individual therapy – EMDR or otherwise – can be a very helpful part of trying to address a couple’s issues.
Relationships Are Where Two Become One – But Are Still Two
Interestingly, a part of couples counseling is to try to help both partners realize that they are, in many ways, a single entity. We have them change their language from “Me” and “I” to “We” and “Us” because couples are more likely to be successful when they recognize that they are a team, and a single thing in many ways.
Still, these are still two people, and two people are going to have their own needs. So, while couples counseling can be used to address the needs of the couple, sometimes you have to look at yourself as an individual to determine what you need to help you move forward.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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