It is stressful to feel like your relationship is struggling. It is even more stressful to not know what you can do to help fix it. Sometimes, that stress leads to desperation. One way that couples try to solve their relationship issues is by choosing to have a baby. The idea is that bringing a child into the world will create something magical that will awaken a shared love as you watch after this new baby.
Will Having a Child Save Your Marriage?
Generally, this is not the type of question that can be given a “Yes/No” answer. There are likely some relationships that have been saved by bringing a child into the world, so a firm “no” is overstating the variability in relationships and personalities.
However, in a general sense, having a child *in order to* save a relationship can be very risky. That is because:
Children Are Stressful – It is true that bringing a child into the world can enhance a strong relationship considerably. It is a joy that many couples share. But if a partnership is already experiencing some very heavy challenges, adding additional stress to those challenges can lead to further problems with less ability to solve them.
Children Are Costly – Finances are the number one cause of stress in a relationship. If your finances are already a source of disconnect, a child is only going to make those challenges worse, which could lead to more arguments.
Coparenting Requires Communication – Both partners are gong to want to parent differently. In order to make sure that there is harmony in the household with how you parent, you will need to make sure that you’re communicating effectively. Typically, a struggling couple is not communicating the way they need to, in which case coparenting can make it worse.
Pregnancy Separates Couples Experiences – Both partners typically struggle to understand each other during pregnancy itself. One partner may not be able to empathize with the experience of the pregnant one or be able to show them they care, and the other may not feel well enough to meet their partner’s needs.
Having a Child Reduces Time for Physical/Emotional Intimacy – If you’re struggling with a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, it is not likely to improve with a child. It becomes more difficult to find time to connect, with a child taking up much of your alone time.
In a marriage, two partners need to be able to talk, show and accept love, communicate in a healthy way, and find ways to overcome obstacles together in order to maintain intimacy and affection. If those are already struggles, bringing a new life into the world is unlikely to help and may make it worse.
Children Are Wonderful – But Not a Miracle Cure
It is possible for a child to reconnect two partners and strengthen their bond. But it also shouldn’t be something you assume will happen, or used to try to save a failing relationship. If you and your partner both want a child, but you also have your struggles, then it is always a good idea to consider couples counseling.
Before having a child, couples counseling can strengthen your relationship and make it easier for you both to withstand the stresses of parenthood. After you have a baby, couples counseling can provide the guidance you need to maintain intimacy, show love, and make sure that you’re responding to each partner’s needs.
If you’re interested in NYC couples counseling, call Flourish Psychology today. We are a Brooklyn based boutique private practice that works with couples throughout New York to strengthen their marriages and support their mutual growth. Learn more or get started by filling out our online form.
Flourish Psychology provides couples therapy and couples counseling in Brooklyn, NY. We work with couples at all stages of their relationship, whether dating, married, or in a non-traditional partnership.
We also know that it can sometimes be difficult to get both partners interested in pursuing couples counseling. Even if both partners know they have to work on their relationship, or that they’re having problems, there is often at least one partner that is hesitant about couples therapy, or may not feel themselves to be ready about the process.
That is why one of the things we emphasize most is the idea of objectivity and fairness – of letting the couple know that we are here to listen to both partners, and see the entire relationship as an outsider from an objective lens. If you’ve been thinking about Brooklyn couples therapy, and you’d like to talk about it with your partner, it is always a good idea to emphasize the idea that this is a judgment-free space.
Creating a Safe Environment for Both Partners to Share
Part of our goal here at Flourish is to create a safe, judgment free space where both partners are free to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. No matter who is “at fault” for specific problems in the relationship, the truth is that a relationship is made up of two people, and both partners need to be able to be ready for personal change and growth.
That is why we create an environment where both partners:
Can speak without being interrupted.
Are encouraged to listen to what their partner is saying.
Provide alternative explanations and viewpoints.
Have someone to help them find better words.
Recognize each other’s strengths.
When a partnership is starting to struggle, it is often linked back to communication. What we do with our couples therapy services here at Flourish Psychology is we make sure that both partners have the ability to talk to each other openly, and without fear that they’re going to be interrupted or misunderstood.
One of the reasons that people are hesitant about couples counseling is because they’re used to experiencing blame, or used to discussions turning into arguments. That is exactly the reason that couples therapy is so valuable – it presents an opportunity to communicate without that fear.
Learning About Each Other – No Matter Where You Are
Couples counseling is an opportunity to learn more about your partner and yourself, all in a way that is mediated by our experienced therapists. If you are looking for a way to enhance your relationship, please contact Flourish Psychology, today.
One of the challenges therapists often experience is trying to describe the symptoms of a condition that can manifest in so many different ways. Anxiety is one of the best examples of this. When we try to describe the symptoms of anxiety, we’re often limited by the symptoms that are “most common,” for example:
Rapid heartbeat
Worries and nervous thoughts
Trouble concentrating
Muscle tension
Feeling restless
Sweating, etc.
These are the common, nearly universal symptoms of anxiety. While not everyone may feel tension, and not everyone will have worrisome thoughts (see our past blog post on people that live with only the physical symptoms of anxiety) but, in general, a person with anxiety can expect to feel at least some of those symptoms.
What makes anxiety more complicated is that it can manifest in ways that seem like they have nothing to do with anxiety – symptoms that sound nothing like the more common symptoms described above. In fact, there are so many of these symptoms that even as therapists, we are often tasked with trying to differentiate what is anxiety and what isn’t.
Let’s look at some examples:
Trouble Walking
Long term stress and anxiety can change both how your body reacts to stress and how you process those changes. When someone has panic disorder, they often experience what’s known as “hypersensitivity.” They self-monitor their body for physical symptoms, start to notice that any feeling they have, and feel that feeling stronger than they would without anxiety.
Some people find that this process causes what should be natural, subconscious movements to become conscious. For example, walking. Walking is 200 muscles in your body moving together. Your brain knows how to walk. But sometimes, people that are hypersensitive because of their panic attacks, start to feel odd when walking. Suddenly, they have to remember how to walk, as they have conscious control over their movements. This leads to trouble walking.
Another example of this might include trouble swallowing.
Eye Pain
Another symptom of anxiety that you may not expect is eye pain. One symptom that most people do experience is muscle tension. But muscle tension isn’t limited to your back and shoulders. Some people get muscle tension in the muscles around the eyes. This tension pulls on these muscles, leading to eye pain. Some people may even have vision problems, including blurry vision, as a result of this eye muscle tension.
Sudden Urge to Urine or Cold Feet
What do an urge to urinate and cold feet have in common?
Not very much, actually. But they do point to something that many people do not know about their own bodies.
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, your body is trying to determine how best to use its resources. It’s trying to decide where to send blood, where to activate neurotransmitters, where to send hormones and vitamins, and so on.
When a person struggles with anxiety, their body is reacting as if they’re in the middle of some type of extreme danger. In order to escape that danger, your body moves resources to the places it thinks need them most. For example, blood may rush to your muscles and heart, because your body thinks you’re going to fight or flee. This takes warm blood away from your feet and toes, causing them to feel cold.
Similarly, your brain is trying to determine how to keep you safe from danger. In order to do that, it moves resources away from other parts of your brain – including the part of your brain that controls your ability to hold in your urination. It’s why animals (including humans) are prone to urinating when they are very scared. The part of their brain responsible for relaxing the bladder is no longer activated so that resources can move to other parts of the brain.
The Many Symptoms of Anxiety
All of these symptoms we are describing here are not rare symptoms. Thousands of people across Brooklyn and NYC struggle with the same issues. That is why it so important to see a therapist. Working with a therapist, we can identify what these symptoms may be, how they’re linked with anxiety, and what you can do to find some relief from them.
There are hundreds of anxiety symptoms just like these that can affect people of all ages. If you’re looking for a NYC therapist to help you understand your symptoms more and start the process of addressing them, contact Flourish Psychology, today.
Much of our communication in our relationships comes before we’ve said a single word. We often have conversations and arguments in our minds and expectations about how a specific experience will go if it doesn’t happen the way the partner expects.
In couples counseling, one of the phrases we hear most that relates to this is the feeling that you are “walking on eggshells.” This phrase can be incredibly revealing about the relationship, and a sign that there are communication issues that need to be addressed.
What is “Walking on Eggshells?”
The exact origin of the phrase “to walk on eggshells” is unknown. But when we use that phrase, we’re typically describing a situation where we feel if we make one wrong move, and if we’re not cautious, our partner is going to respond in a negative way.
For a marriage to get to a place where one or both partners feel they’re walking on eggshells, it typically means there have been communication issues for quite some time:
They may be quick to argue.
They may feel they are treated unfairly.
They may believe that their partner sees them as a failure.
Often, if at least one partner says they’re walking on eggshells, it can indicate a lot about the state of the relationship. Not only does it make it sounds as though at least one partner feels like there is a lot of criticism – it also means that the partner that feels they’re “on eggshells” is already upset at their partner for a slight that hasn’t happened yet.
What We Mean By Communication in Couples Counseling
“Communication” is an often misunderstood term in couples counseling. Many assume we’re talking only about what you both say to each other, and whether or not you talk about your problems. Communication is much more than that. It’s how you talk. It’s what you don’t say. It’s body language. It’s how you feel when you talk. It’s even about what you’re saying in your mind when your partner is not even in the room.
What we work on in NYC couples counseling is this idea that a marriage is made up of two people, both of whom are trying to figure out how to be understood by their partner. During couples counseling sessions, if a partner says that they feel they’re walking on eggshells, we may ask both of you questions about your tone, your eye contact, your frustration levels, and any factors that affect your ability to communicate.
We want to help you reach a point where you both can share your feelings and needs with each other, and know that you’re being heard. We also want you to be able to hear your partner, as there are often uncommunicated needs and feelings that lead to this “walking on eggshells” feeling. If you’d like to learn more about our Brooklyn couples therapy services, please call Flourish Psychology, today.
Flourish Psychology is a boutique private practice in Brooklyn with experienced anxiety therapists that are here to help you manage and recover from anxiety, panic attacks, and similar disorders.
At Flourish Psychology, one of the many conversations we have with our callers and clients is that there is no such thing as a wrong time to see an anxiety therapist because therapy itself isn’t solely about treating a mental illness. It is about making your life better. Even if you feel that you have your day to day life under control, therapy can help you grow, stay motivated, cope with stress, and find further meaningful relationships.
But, for those that are not sure if they’re a good candidate for therapy – especially anxiety therapy – there are some signs that you can watch for to know when it’s time to make the call.
Anxiety is Manageable – But Doesn’t Have to Be Managed
Most people experience some form of anxiety now and then. A person may find themselves feeling worried about a plane ride, or that something happened to a family member when they don’t answer the phone. They may even have days where your stresses start to feel overwhelming.
But most of the time, they may feel fine. Their relationships, their work, and their social life are thriving, and they do not feel like your anxiety holds them back from causing any significant distress. In these cases, this person may not need a therapist for anxiety, because anxiety is not an emotion that weighs heavily on their day to day experiences.
On the other end of the spectrum are the people that have extreme anxiety. It is anxiety that is severe, and hold them back from healthy activities. It is anxiety that affects their relationships, their work, their sleep, or their happiness. In those situations, it is much clearer that a NYC anxiety therapist is needed, as anxiety significantly impacts their life.
What about the people in between?
Do you ever feel like you’re nervousness distracts you from enjoying many activities?
Do you find yourself worrying often, or about things that feel irrational.
Do you ever have periods of extreme or intense anxiety that are overwhelming?
Do you have stomach issues, sweat, or have physical anxiety symptoms with no physical cause?
Do you ever feel like you *wish* you didn’t have anxiety, and that your life would be better without it?
One of the reasons that many people do not seek treatment for anxiety is because, out of all mental health conditions, anxiety is the one that is most often “manageable.” It is typically – although not always – possible to hold a job, go out with friends, or have various experiences even when you’re living with mild to moderate anxiety symptoms. That often causes people to put off treatment, thinking that it’s not important or severe enough to get help.
In the psychotherapy world, anyone that answers “yes” to any of the above questions is a good candidate for therapy. Therapy is about helping you better cope with anxiety, learn to control stress, and maintain the life you want for yourself. Even if you feel like you can “manage” the anxiety, Flourish Psychology doesn’t believe you should have to. Therapy can help you find a better sense of balance, learn to control anxious thoughts, and address the issues that cause you to feel anxious in inappropriate situations.
If you’re interested in seeing a therapist for anxiety in Brooklyn or New York City, contact Flourish Psychology, today. We are a boutique private practice that supports all people, from all backgrounds, with therapy that is built around your specific experience, contact Flourish Psychology, today.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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