The start of a new year brings the feeling of a blank slate and endless possibilities. As 2021 comes to a close, many of us are reflecting on the challenges and triumphs faced throughout the last twelve months. During the last week of the year, you’re likely giving lots of thought to your plans, goals and resolutions for 2022. While the most common resolutions tend to be in the realms of fitness, finances and career advancement, might we suggest turning your attention to your mental health?
If the last two years are anything to go by, it’s more important than ever to prioritize self-care, healthy boundaries and emotional wellbeing. Here are a few simple ways that you can improve your mental health in 2022 and beyond.
Develop an Attitude of Gratitude
You may have heard this one several times before, but it still bears repeating. Expressing gratitude is one of the simplest and most effective ways that you can instantly lift your mood and feel a sense of contentment. When you’re in a state of gratitude, you’re less likely to dwell on negative emotions such as resentment or regret. Over the long term, gratitude has been linked to decreased stress levels and improved psychological health.
How can you practice gratitude in your daily life? It can be as simple as writing a list of three things you’re grateful for each morning soon after you wake up. This can be done in the notes app on your phone or in a dedicated gratitude journal or notebook. Throughout the day, look out for small things to be grateful for and make a mental note of them when they happen. If you found a parking spot in a crowded lot, take a few seconds to appreciate your luck before you exit your car. Gratitude also helps to enhance our relationships. Be sure to let your loved ones know how thankful you are for their support and presence in your life.
Begin a Mindfulness Meditation Practice
Meditation has been a huge wellness trend for the last few years. This ancient practice goes back to at least 1500 BCE, but is still incredibly beneficial for our fast-paced modern lives. As meditation continues to grow in popularity, it’s also become incredibly accessible. These days, there’s no shortage of apps, videos and online courses to support you on your meditation journey.
Mindfulness meditation is a special type of meditation that trains you to slow down and detach from racing or negative thoughts. With regular practice, mindfulness has been shown to decrease stress, foster a more positive mindset and even improve your quality of sleep. To practice this kind of meditation, get comfortable in a quiet space where you’re not likely to be disturbed. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Notice how the breath interacts with the body – the rise and fall of the belly, and the feeling of air entering and leaving your nostrils. If it helps, you can keep focused by counting your breaths. It’s normal to get distracted; just bring your attention back to your breathing. Try doing this for fifteen minutes each day to experience the full benefits of this practice.
Sounds intimidating? Even five minutes of quiet time each day can have surprising benefits. You can also try practicing mindfulness all throughout the day as you engage with the world around you. Instead of absentmindedly scrolling on your phone while you eat lunch, try taking the time to eat mindfully. Slow down, pay attention and really enjoy the taste, smell and texture of your food. When taking a walk, make the effort to be truly aware of your surroundings, including the little things like the breeze on your face and the crunching sound of leaves under your feet. Living in the present moment means you’re spending less time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
Don’t Neglect Your Physical Health
Even though this is a list of mental health resolutions, your physical health has such a huge role to play. The three key areas to prioritize are sleep, nutrition and movement. By improving these aspects of your physical health, you’ll also notice improvements in your overall emotional wellbeing.
In 2022, make the effort to develop a consistent bedtime routine to foster healthier sleep hygiene. Go to bed at around the same time each night and ensure your bedroom is quiet, dark and set to a comfortable temperature. Commit to reducing nighttime device usage in favour of more calming activities such as reading, journaling or gentle stretching. Lack of sleep or poor sleep hygiene has been linked to worsening symptoms of depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. By getting proper sleep, you’re laying a solid foundation for improving your mental health.
Exercise is another well-researched contributor to good mental health. Moving your body not only releases feel-good hormones like endorphins, but can also fill you with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Consider new and enjoyable ways that you can move your body in 2022. If you’re tired of the old gym routine, why not switch things up by trying out a new sport or taking up a dance class? The key is to find an activity that you genuinely enjoy, so that daily exercise feels like a natural part of your day.
What about nutrition and your mental health? Just like all your other organs, your brain is affected by the food you eat. Diets high in refined sugar and processed foods have been known to cause a worsening of symptoms for many mental illnesses, including depression. On the other hand, healthy foods like salmon, avocados and whole grains are known to support brain function and can even help reduce dementia in older adults.
Monitor Your Social Media Usage
We’ve written about the connection between social media and mental health in a previous blog post. While we may not yet have information on the long-term effects of constant social media use, we do have quite a bit of research on the shorter-term impacts. Many recent studies have explored the psychological impact of increased exposure to social media platforms and how this can contribute to depression, anxiety, self-harm and disordered eating.
Although platforms like Instagram and TikTok can provide hours of entertainment and allow us to keep in touch with friends and family, they can also encourage a few unhealthy habits. Comparing yourself to the highlight reels of your favorite influencers can lead to low self-esteem and FOMO, while endless scrolling makes it easy to fall into the procrastination trap. As 2022 approaches, do a digital detox by unfollowing accounts that make you feel unhappy or inadequate. Adjust your settings to eliminate anxiety-inducing notifications and disconnect from the 24-hour news cycle. Consider replacing social media scrolling time with other apps such as
Set and Enforce Boundaries
Boundaries are a necessary component for maintaining fulfilling relationships and safeguarding your mental health. Simply put, a boundary is a limit or a rule that defines how other people are able to access and interact with you. It’s up to you to determine your boundaries and they may differ from relationship to relationship. For example, you may be uncomfortable with friends showing up unannounced to your home, while your romantic partner has a spare key to let themselves in as they wish. You deserve to feel comfortable and respected within all your relationships. Consider all your connections (work, familial, platonic, romantic, etc.) and determine whether any adjustments need to be made in terms of boundaries.
In addition to these healthy habits, working with a therapist is one of the biggest and most impactful steps you can take towards improving your mental health. Therapy can also equip you with the tools needed to improve your self-esteem, foster healthier relationships and achieve your career goals. At Flourish Psychology, our clinicians are trained in number of treatment modalities to address your specific concerns. Contact us today to get in touch with our intake coordinator or to schedule your first session.
Holidays are celebrated as a time for gathering with loved ones, sharing meals and creating memories. But this time of year can be especially difficult for those dealing with an eating disorder or body image issues. Food is a central element of holiday celebrations and there’s often a lot of it on display. You may be expected to consume certain types of food or a large amount of food. Holidays may also force you to interact with relatives who have a negative impact on your mental health and body image, whether with their words, actions, or their very presence. Sometimes, the anxiety associated with going home for the holidays can even trigger a worsening of symptoms.
Large family gatherings present many challenges for those with an eating disorder. Maybe your relatives don’t know about it and you’re anxious about it being found out. Maybe you’re triggered by just the sight of a large display of food or constant conversations about food. Then there are the relatives who make comments about your body or your food.
Here are a few coping strategies to consider as you navigate the festive season.
Setting Boundaries with Relatives
Family gatherings can be especially stressful when our relatives cause us to feel uncomfortable. The holidays are often a time when friends and family provide unsolicited and unhelpful comments about your body or your eating habits. You may be forced to deal with remarks on weight loss or gain, and questions about the quantity or frequency of your meals. Sometimes, these comments are well-meaning and may be coming from someone who doesn’t understand how triggering they can be. Regardless of their intentions, the effect of these comments can still be detrimental.
Anticipate these comments ahead of time and come up with a game plan for responding to them. For example, you can decide that you will say “I’m not hungry. Please stop trying to force me to eat that” and physically distance yourself from anyone who causes you to feel uncomfortable. If your family is aware of your eating disorder, is it possible to have a conversation with them before the big gathering?
Here are some phrases that can help you to politely, but assertively set boundaries during these scenarios:
I won’t continue this conversation if you keep making those comments.
No, thank you.
I don’t want that.
I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.
You’re making me uncomfortable, so I’m going to leave.
Thanks for your concern, but I can take care of myself.
Let’s talk about something else.
I don’t like being called that name.
I didn’t find that funny. Please don’t say that again.
Rely on Your Support Systems
Who do you usually rely on for emotional support? Are you able to access them at this time? Sometimes during the holidays, we’re separated from our usual environments or social groups, as we head elsewhere to spend time with family. If a friend is your usual support system, but you’ll be apart for the holidays, be sure to let them know what’s happening. Inform them ahead of time of the difficulties you’re anticipating during this season, and that you’ll need their support. Texts, calls and video chat can all be incredibly useful tools for connecting with your support system. Knowing that they’re on standby can bring a feeling of comfort as you navigate this challenging time.
Don’t Neglect Self-Care
Holidays bring huge changes to our daily routines and environment. With all these changes, it can be difficult to stick to your own routine and self-care may fall to the wayside. But during emotionally challenging times, we need more self-care than ever. If you have been prescribed medication, be sure to continue taking them as directed. Keep up with your hygiene habits and, if you’re menstruating, ensure you have everything you need to make yourself comfortable (such as a heating pad or pain medication). During stressful times, it’s especially important that you get enough sleep, water and nutrition. If you have a special hobby that brings you peace, are you able to engage in this hobby during the holidays?
Financial self-care is important during the holidays, since this is often a season of spending. Check in with your finances to ensure you’re sticking to your budget, to avoid any undue stress come January.
Remember to Recharge
This can be an extremely overwhelming time. How will you recharge your body and mind? It can be as simple as taking a ten-minute walk to clear your head before heading back into the gathering. Maybe you have a playlist that puts you in a better mood or you enjoy watching videos of cute animals online. Have these things at the ready for when you need a moment to catch your breath. Writing in a journal is an effective way of reducing stress and recharging. Spend a few minutes to check in with yourself by writing about how you’re feeling. Meditation, breathing exercises, coloring and taking a short break from technology are all simple ways of finding peace during chaotic moments. Bring along a good book, magazine or video game for a quick escape.
Flourish Psychology offers treatment for anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and other disordered eating and body image issues. By working with a therapist, you can equip yourself with the tools and resources needed to handle your day-to-day challenges. You will notice increased levels of self-esteem and a decrease in feelings of fear and stress. We want to help improve your relationship with your body, food and exercise.
Estrangement describes a situation when someone makes deliberate efforts to distance themselves from or cut ties with a family member. Sometimes, people choose to be estranged from their entire family of origin, and other times, the estrangement is limited to a certain person or group of persons. If you are currently estranged from family members (or considering it), you’re not alone. Research suggests that over a quarter of adults experience estrangement, whether initiated by them or by other family members. That’s over 70 million Americans.
This is not the same as losing touch with family. Estrangement is a voluntary and deliberate decision. Sometimes, a sudden major event may trigger a decision to cut ties. More often, it is a process of gradually distancing yourself more and more over time as the relationship becomes increasingly strained. Many report that “the last straw” often happened after years of back and forth, or following several attempts at salvaging the relationship.
With the holiday season in full swing (and with the world opening back up), many people are looking forward to spending time with family, creating memories, and continuing traditions. But for those with difficult or strained familial relationships, this time of year can be extremely triggering and a great source of anxiety and pain. Depending on the circumstances of the estrangement, the holidays can bring about feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, or sadness. Estrangement is an incredibly difficult and complicated life experience. Be sure to practice self-care all year long and especially during triggering holidays or events.
Common Causes of Estrangement
Estrangement is an intentional and voluntary decision There are countless factors that may lead someone to decide to cut ties with family members. For some people who were mistreated by family members in childhood, there is an immediate decision to cut ties upon reaching adulthood or a state of independence. Parental maltreatment is one of the most common reasons for estrangement. This can include physical, emotional, financial, or sexual abuse, or a failure to respect boundaries. In other instances, people may slowly come to a realization that their parent or family member is detrimental to their wellbeing and decide to distance themselves. It’s also common to come to a realization that the family member will never be able to meet your needs or to fulfill the role that you need them to play in your life.
Many members of the LGBTQ community have cut ties with their families of origin in favor of chosen families. Others have been estranged due to disownment by homophobic or transphobic relatives. People may choose to cut ties due to a difference in value systems, or a family member’s refusal to accept aspects of a person’s identity or their lifestyle choices. Regardless of the factors influencing your decision to reduce contact with family members, your feelings are valid and it’s incredibly brave of you to make such a difficult decision for your wellbeing.
Impact of Estrangement on Mental Health
Estrangement is often a painful and difficult experience that can affect your mental health in many ways. You may feel a lot of anxiety surrounding your decision and this anxiety may be triggered by certain events, such as holidays. You may feel guilty or regretful about your decision, which can cause chronic stress over time. Many people carry the heavy emotional weight that comes with estrangement without realizing the impact it may be having on them.
Estrangement activates the grief response in many people, even if they were the ones to sever ties. Though you may believe that you made the right decision, you may still be mourning the loss of the relationship. This loss can be just as psychologically devastating as losing a romantic partner or experiencing the death of a loved one. For those on the receiving end of estrangement, there may be strong feelings of guilt, rejection, and loneliness.
Coping with Family Estrangement During the Holidays
If you’re dealing with this issue, the holiday season can be an especially difficult or traumatizing time. This time of year can bring back emotions that may previously have been dormant, or bring up feelings of loneliness and isolation. It’s especially important to practice self-care and self-compassion if you’re feeling triggered. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel your feelings. You are entitled to your anger and sadness. If you’re feeling regret, guilt, or loneliness, remind yourself that these are normal and expected emotions to have at a time like this. Try not to judge yourself (such as saying “I should be over this by now” or “It’s so pathetic that I’m crying about this) or to avoid your emotions. Feel them. Sit with them. Remember that they won’t stick around forever. Now is a good time to try journaling about what you’re feeling, or verbalizing your feelings aloud to yourself. If it helps, you can even try writing (but not sending) a letter to your estranged family member. By not bottling up your emotions, you’re better able to manage them and even learn from them.
Ahead of time, identify healthy and reliable coping mechanisms that you can use when you’re feeling triggered. Examples include going for a quick walk to clear your head or calling a trusted friend to talk. Make a playlist of songs that will provide comfort or improve your mood. Taking a shower is a relaxing distraction for many people during times of intense emotions. You can also try engaging in a creative hobby such as coloring, doodling to creating digital art. Other healthy coping mechanisms include taking care of tasks such as cleaning or gardening. Consider purposeful, relaxing, or entertaining activities that you can engage in during difficult moments.
How can you seek out connection and companionship this holiday season? Can you create new memories with friends, partners, or your chosen family? When your familial relationships are strained, it’s important to develop fulfilling and meaningful relationships outside of your family. Many members of the queer community have embraced a chosen family, as seen in media like Paris is Burning and Pose. Non-LGBTQ people may also develop chosen families due to difficult relationships with members of their families of origin. Consider the people in your life who can provide you with support and solidarity.
Estrangement can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to deal with on your own. Working with a therapist is an empowering and effective way to process the difficult emotions that arise due to estrangement. If there is a desire for reconciliation, a relationship therapist can be an invaluable third party helping to bridge the gap. If there is no desire for reconciliation, working alone with a therapist can help you to find the closure you seek.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are qualified and trained in a variety of treatment modalities that can help you process this difficult situation. Schedule your first session to begin your journey towards healing.
Core beliefs are the fundamental and foundational ideas that you hold about yourself, others and the world around you. They can best be described as the filter through which you see and interpret the information that you receive from others and from the outside world. These beliefs are deeply embedded and have a significant impact on your daily thought processes and decision making. They are always in the back of your mind and manifest in many different ways throughout our lives. These beliefs have a tremendous impact on everything from self-esteem to relationships and even your finances. They help to shape your perception of reality and are often the driving force behind your automatic or intrusive thoughts.
Here’s an example. Your boss sends an email requesting an urgent meeting tomorrow morning. The email comes out of the blue and you aren’t sure what it may be about. If your automatic thought is that you’re going to be fired, you may have a core belief that you are not good at your job or a belief that good things are always taken away from you. Someone with different core beliefs may have a more neutral attitude towards the meeting. Another person may believe that the meeting is signaling a promotion or salary increase.
Most of our core beliefs are inherited from our families of origin. As children, the adults around us show and tell us (both directly and indirectly) the things that we should believe and accept as true. We emulate our caregivers and deeply internalize the things that we are told and shown. As we age, these beliefs become even more entrenched and we may even subconsciously seek out situations and experiences that corroborate our beliefs. In this way, the beliefs are reinforced as our experiences seem to confirm their validity.
The good news is that you have the power to alter your core beliefs and the way you see yourself and the world around you.
How Core Beliefs Shape Our Worldview
Your worldview is a system of beliefs about reality and society. Like your core beliefs, your worldview is initially formed in childhood through your interactions with the adults around you. As you age and go through life, your experiences continue to shape your worldview. This system of beliefs is heavily influenced by your core beliefs and you ultimately come to accept these beliefs are the definitive truth about society and the world you live in.
Beliefs About Ourselves
Your core beliefs about yourself are often rooted in childhood experiences. The adults in your life told you things about yourself and you accept these things as truths. These beliefs are also heavily influenced by the way that you are treated by others as you make your way through life. Both helpful and unhelpful core beliefs about yourself are formed gradually over time. With effort, you can alter or improve your core beliefs about yourself. Unhelpful beliefs include “I will never find love” and “I am a lazy person.” Helpful beliefs about yourself include “I make good decisions” and “I am worthy of good things.” Your core beliefs about yourself help to form the “rules” that you set for yourself as to what you can and cannot do. For example, you may subconsciously believe that you are not “allowed” to express anger or sadness. This rule may be tied to a core belief that your emotions are burdens to other people. You may have formed this core belief based on how people have reacted to your emotions in the past.
Beliefs About Others
Our experience with other people helps to form our core beliefs about people in general. For example, someone who has repeatedly experienced infidelity in relationships may form the view that “everybody cheats” even though this it not an objective truth. Because of this belief, they may approach relationships with cynicism or may avoid romantic relationships altogether. This can have the counterproductive effect of chasing away a good, faithful partner. It can also cause a self-fulfilling prophecy, where they begin cheating too, since “everybody does it.”
Core beliefs about other people can easily turn into stereotyping. For example, it’s a common core belief that wealthy people are inherently evil or selfish. This core belief does not take into consideration that wealth and morality often have little to do with each other. Many wealthy people are generous and use their money to positively impact the lives of others. Unchecked core beliefs about others can lead to self-sabotage. For example, if you believe that wealthy people are evil, you may subconsciously deny yourself of prosperity to avoid becoming “one of them.”
Core Beliefs About The World
How do you see the world around you? Is it a “dog eat dog” world or do you believe that most people are inherently good and kind? Your core beliefs about the world impact how you make your way through life and how you interact with the world. Those who believe in “every man for himself” will approach life differently from those who subscribe to the belief that “I am my brother’s keeper.”
Uncovering Your Unhelpful Core Beliefs
How much thought have you given to your core beliefs and how they may be impacting your daily life? Most of these beliefs sit unrecognized in the very back of our minds, yet they play such a significant role in our lives. By uncovering your core beliefs, you will be able to identify any unhelpful ideologies that can be replaced with healthier, more progressive beliefs.
One way to uncover your unhelpful core beliefs on your own is to notice your automatic thoughts. The next time you have an immediate negative thought about yourself, take a moment to notice and examine it. For example, if you make a mistake at work and your first thought is “I can’t get anything right,” ask yourself where this thought came from. Do you have evidence for and against the thought? Can you think of anyone from your past who caused you to feel that way? By noticing and questioning your negative automatic thoughts, you can gain valuable insight on your core beliefs.
Working with a therapist is an excellent way to uncover your core beliefs and identify their origins. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other forms of therapy, you can develop core beliefs that are healthy, helpful and positive.
With spooky season in full swing, fear is an emotion that is at the forefront of our minds. Fear often has the effect of causing us to avoid the object of the fear. As we get older, we stop fearing the monsters under our bed and begin fearing seemingly more innocuous things. An important phone call can get the heart racing just as much as the latest horror movie, so we avoid making that phone call. In this way, fear can lead to both long term and short term procrastination.
Fear is an emotion that lets us know that something is wrong or that we’re in danger. It’s biologically designed to cause avoidance of the object of the fear. In this way, it can help to keep us out of harm’s way. However, sometimes we fear things that are not actually dangerous (such as starting a new project at work or having a hard conversation with a friend). Even though we aren’t in any real danger, the fear can still lead to avoidance. Recently, we blogged about various causes of procrastination and suggested strategies for reducing this common habit. In the spirit of Halloween, we’ll be expanding on the strong link between fear and avoidance, while exploring some of the most common fears that lead to procrastination.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is one of the most common fears experienced by most people throughout life. This fear is often linked to perfectionism or black and white thinking. Instead of acknowledging the huge grey area between success and failure, this cognitive distortion causes us to believe that if something isn’t done perfectly, then it’s a complete failure. A persistent fear of failure may be linked to low self-esteem. If you don’t believe that you have the capability or knowledge to achieve something, it’s easy to constantly feel as though you won’t achieve your goals. This fear is typically characterized by an avoidance of the activity that is inciting the fear in the first place. In this way, procrastination and a fear of failure often go hand in hand. Many people fear the possibility of failure so much that they will put off beginning a task or procrastinate when it comes to the pursuit of goals.
Fear of Success
You may be surprised to know that the fear of success can be just as debilitating as a fear of failure. We all want to succeed, so how is it possible to fear success? The truth is that success can be scary. Success can mean more publicity or notoriety and this can be intimidating for those who prefer to stay out of the spotlight. Success brings great pressure to continue to perform and often comes with additional responsibilities and challenges. It’s also common to fear possible reactions to your success. Will your success alienate you from your peers or family members? Will people think that you’re bragging or snobby because of your newfound success?
In the same way that a fear of failure can cause procrastination, the fear of success can make it difficult to start and complete projects. Because you fear the aftermath of the success, you subconsciously delay starting the task altogether.
Procrastination and Fear of Rejection
Everyone has feared rejection at some point in their life. This fear can develop in early childhood and shows up in various settings throughout life – socially, professionally and in our romantic lives. We may first experience it when we are afraid of getting turned down by a parent, so we avoid asking for permission to do something. The fear has many underlying causes and, if left unchecked, can place significant limitations on a person’s life. A fear of rejection can affect your ability to meet new friends, form romantic relationships and advance in the workplace. We often need to “put ourselves out there” in order to succeed and the fear of rejection makes this very difficult.
For example, you may procrastinate on applications for jobs, scholarships or other opportunities due to the fear of rejection. You may also put off sending important emails because of the fear of rejection.
Fear of Judgment and Procrastination
The fear of judgment is experienced by people from all walks of life because we all want to feel accepted and understood by those around us. The fear of being judged can hold you back in many ways. You may be afraid of being judged while exercising, which causes you to avoid getting a gym membership or going outside for a run. You may want to start a blog, but you’re afraid of people reading and judging the things you write. Fearing the negative opinions and reactions of others often leads to procrastinating on doing the things that we really want to do.
A fear of judgment can also have a negative impact on interpersonal relationships. Are you hiding parts of yourself from the people close to you? A fear of judgment can often lead to a lack of vulnerability in relationships, which limits the quality of your connections. This fear of judgment can cause you to procrastinate on having difficult (but necessary) conversations with the people in your life.
Fear of Missing Out
The fear of missing out (often shortened to FOMO) stems from the perception that everyone else is more successful or happier than you are. FOMO can cause feelings of anxiety, as you are led to believe that your peers are progressing and leaving you behind. It’s often triggered by observing others and making comparisons.
FOMO is linked to smartphone addiction. To avoid feeling left out, we’re tempted to constantly keep up with social media posts, the latest headlines and the newest trending topics. Smartphone use in turn triggers feelings of FOMO, as we are often watching the highlight reels of others
Can you identify with any of these fears and are you able to see how they may be holding you back? Last Halloween, we explored the ways that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you to face and overcome your fears. By working with a therapist, you’ll be able to uncover how these fears may be manifesting in your life or preventing you from achieving your goals. Through CBT and other forms of talk therapy, you can develop the skills needed to “feel the fear and do it anyway!” Contact us to schedule your first session.
Strong and healthy friendships are an important aspect of overall emotional and social wellbeing. Through friendships, we are able to receive and give support, love and companionship, which often leads to a feeling of general contentment and improved self-esteem. Research indicates that healthy friendships can positively impact our physical health, possibly leading to a longer life span and the ability to recover more quickly from illnesses.
Last month, we looked at unhealthy friendships and outlined some of the factors that can contribute to a toxic platonic relationship. In this post, we’ll be discussing a few of the hallmarks of healthy friendships.
1. Reciprocity for healthy friendships
Reciprocity simply means that the friendship is mutually beneficial and that both parties are putting similar effort into the relationship. Friendships should not be one-sided and nobody should feel like their energy isn’t being matched. Reciprocity shows up several forms and the lack of it can be felt in many different ways. At the most basic level, it means feeling confident that the person you consider a friend also considers you to be a friend. Emotional reciprocity means that both parties are able to be vulnerable with each other and provide mutual emotional support.
When it comes to reciprocity, it’s important to remember that it’s not always cut and dry. For example, a friend who is going through an especially difficult time may not be able to support you. In those circumstances, you may need to go above and beyond for them. When the roles are reversed, you should be able to expect them to do the same.
2. Support
Support is a key component in friendships and the lack of it often leads to a breakdown of the relationship. We all need solid and reliable support systems and our friendships should form part of that entire system.
Support can come in many forms. Sometimes, it’s a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when times are hard. Sometimes, it’s making the effort to celebrate a friend’s success when things are going well. In other instances, more practical support (such as providing advice or resources) is needed. It may be necessary to ask your friend what kind of support they need right now. If you are the one in need of support, it’s always a good idea to communicate with your friends, to better enable them to meet those needs.
In healthy friendships, you should be both giving and receiving support, which ties into the reciprocity that was mentioned earlier.
3. Trust
Most relationships (romantic, platonic, business, etc.) rely heavily on trust. Trust is a firm belief in the reliability and honesty of your friend. You feel a sense of confidence and comfort, knowing that you can rely on them and that you can believe in the things that they say and do. Trust is usually gained very slowly over time and can be difficult to repair once it’s broken.
What makes a trustworthy friend? This is someone who keeps their promises, leaving you with a feeling of confidence that they will do what they say they are going to do. They also keep your secrets, so you can feel assured that private conversations will stay between the two of you. A trustworthy friend will not speak about you behind your back, tell lies to you or about you, or try to manipulate you. Trustworthiness means that they are able to hold themselves accountable when they mess up, and make genuine efforts to repair your trust after any indiscretions.
Your friend should also be able to trust you and should not make unfair accusations against you.
4. Honesty
Trust and honesty are two sides of the same coin. While trust describes the emotion of feeling confident or believing in someone, honesty describes the actions that, over time, lead to this confidence. Honesty is a track record of making a conscious effort to tell the truth, to be forthcoming, and to keep promises. Honesty often requires difficult or uncomfortable conversations, as well as a high level of integrity, vulnerability and accountability.
Honesty goes far beyond simply telling the truth when it is asked of you. Sometimes it means coming forward even though your friend would have been none the wiser had you kept quiet. Honesty is being able to tell your friend when they have offended you, instead of avoiding confrontation and allowing the issue to fester.
If we are to expect others to be trustworthy, we also need to be trustworthy. This means that we have to be honest with ourselves and with our friends.
5. Respect
No friendship can be truly healthy without mutual respect. When two people respect each other, they both feel safe to be themselves around the other person without fear of judgment. Though you may not always agree or get along, an underlying and genuine mutual respect will allow friends to resolve disputes without insults. Friends should respect each other’s time, beliefs and choices. Where there is respect, there is proper regard for the needs, feelings and wishes of others. A respectful friend will never cause you to feel embarrassed for simply being yourself. They genuinely admire you and believe in your strengths and abilities.
Respect should also be shown for any boundaries that are set, as discussed below.
6. Boundaries in Healthy Friendships
A good friendship involves both parties setting healthy boundaries, while respecting the boundaries of the other person. You should be able to set a reasonable limitation of your friendship without unfair backlash from your friend. In the same way, when a friend sets a boundary, you need to respect it.
Boundaries can take many forms and it’s up to you to determine how much you are willing or able to give and receive in a relationship. For example, it is your responsibility to let your friend know that certain topics of conversation make you uncomfortable and it is your friend’s responsibility to be mindful of the things that they say to you.
A healthy friendship can be difficult to nurture and maintain. It requires two people who are working on themselves on an individual level. Working with a therapist is an excellent starting point for improving your relationships. By becoming the best version of yourself, you will be better able to show up in your friendships and better able to identify and eliminate unhealthy connections.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are here to help you as you seek to foster healthier, happier connections in your life. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
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