Sometimes, when a relationship is struggling, we can feel uncomfortable around our partner. We can feel like at any moment, we’re going to do something that is going to cause some type of conflict, and that there is almost nothing we can do to avoid it.
This is the origin of a popular phase in relationships, “walking on eggshells.” It is about feeling like you’re always on high alert not to start a fight, and that no matter what you try you’re going to break something that will cause you to argue or upset each other.
This is often one of the main signs that a relationship is struggling and may benefit from couples counseling and other interventions. Today, let’s talk about what “walking on eggshells” really means, how it affects people psychologically, and what we can do about it.
The Psychological Roots of “Walking on Eggshells”
When we use the phrase “walking on eggshells” we are referring to a feeling – a feeling that you are on the verge of another conflict of some kind. So, when a person feels that way, they have a fear of conflict. They are:
- Trying to avoid anger, criticism, or emotional outbursts from a partner.
- They reacting to past negative reactions (for example, frequent occurrences of something small starting a much larger argument).
- They are afraid of rejection, abandonment, or someone’s power over their emotional and mental health.
Walking on eggshells is, in many ways, a form of anxiety. It is a sign that you’re feeling nervous about something occurring. It is also something that puts a person on edge to such a degree that, depending on the relationship dynamics, you may also end up putting your partner on edge as you wait for them to get upset at you (though this all depends on the types of conflicts you are having).
When someone is “walking on eggshells,” they are overanalyzing their words and actions to avoid upsetting a partner, they are suppressing their emotions or opinions to prevent conflict, and they feel tense and drained even when no conflict occurs.
Why This is a Psychological as Well as Relationship Problem
It is not difficult to envision how and why this is an issue within a relationship. When at least one partner is walking on eggshells, if not both, that means that there are more conflicts and that there is a wedge that is affecting trust within the couple.
But let’s talk about its direct effect on you. If you are the one walking on eggshells:
- You’re experiencing chronic stress and anxiety.
- You’re experiencing something that can be defined as a “trauma response.”
- You’re experiencing a loss of power within a relationship.
- You’re losing your sense of self and identity, possibly unable to share your real self.
- You’re building up resentment that could spill out for a long time.
- You’re typically censoring yourself and your feelings.
Chronic stress is its own significant problem. The longer a person lives with stress, the more they are at risk for anxiety and depression. It also can make a relationship feel naturally harmful in ways that continue to damage a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
Walking on eggshells can also be a sign of abuse, if this is a one-sided dynamic where one partner tries to appease another while showing fear about what the other partner will do. It can also be a mutual issue. Constant, ongoing conflict over small things can create the feeling in both partners. This is especially common when communication has broken down and neither partner is listening to each other.
Every relationship is different, so what “walking on eggshells” means may vary depending on the relationship dynamic. But in any scenario, it is something that causes significant problems within a relationship.
Breaking the Cycle Through Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy
Walking on eggshells, as a feeling and behavior, is unsustainable. The longer a person feels that way, the more it becomes constant and ongoing stress and resentment.
Yet one issue standing in the way of stopping it is that it is indicative of a lack of safe communication. If both partners felt free to easily talk to each other, then it would be unlikely that they would feel like they’re walking on eggshells. The very feeling like someone is walking on eggshells means that communication has broken down and one of the best ways to fix that is to create a safe space to begin conversations again.
That is therapy.
Couples counseling, specifically, creates a safe and unbiased space to chat. Then, should conflict arise, the therapist can help ease the situation while also helping both partners say how they feel and understand each other better.
In addition, psychotherapy can be a very useful tool for understanding your own emotions and trauma. Those that are in – or are leaving – abuse relationships find that it can help them re-discover themselves and gain the strength they need to move forward. Those that are not in abusive relationships but just anxious in their own can get support for their overall mental health, including their stress and anxiety, to better feel comfortable in their day to day lives.
Working with a therapist can be immensely beneficial on both an individual and a relationship level, and creates the safe space that you need to move forward. Reach out today to get started.