We hope you had a wonderful fourth of July with your friends and family! Walking outside in Brooklyn, we could smell the barbecues, hear the laughter, and see a lot of happy faces.
It’s also a good time to ask a question that we ask twice every year: why are we still doing fireworks?
Working with Trauma
It’s true that fireworks can be very beautiful. Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks are often some of the best in the United States. Some of us have memories of our first ever large scale fireworks displays. Those of us from other states may have also lit our own fireworks in our backyards with friends and family.
But most of us are not wowed by fireworks anymore, and – unless you have a front row seat – they’re really more like little lights in the distance. The majority of us do not even attend fireworks displays, choosing instead to watch them on TV or ignore them altogether.
So, as therapists, we have to ask: do we really need fireworks?
People with post-traumatic stress disorder – including, if not especially, veterans of the armed forces, are often triggered by fireworks. In one of the great “ironies” of fireworks displays, some of the very people that many of us pay respect to on July 4th are those that have severe anxiety, stress, and sometimes even emotional breakdowns as a result of fireworks displays.
There are already many questions about the value of fireworks.
Fireworks release dangerous particles in the atmosphere.
They can cause injury or even death when mishandled.
They keep people awake at night.
They are expensive, at a time when income inequality and social service investments are down.
They have led to fires, a risk that is even more common now that the climate is changing.
But the fact that they also trigger traumatic episodes in shooting survivors, veterans, and others that have experienced trauma, it may be time to really sit down and think about whether or not fireworks are still a necessity for our more enlightened society. Fireworks can be beautiful. But there are many other options available as well, and the loud noise, pollution, and psychological consequences of fireworks may no longer be worth it. It may be time to consider alternative options for our mental health.
Growing up, everyone is taught to play. We’re sent outside for recess and given a ball, a Frisbee, or a jungle gym. We’re told to exercise, express ourselves, get into trouble (but not too much) and learn about the world around us.
So, we go out, and we play. We play pretend, imagining ourselves to be princes and princesses, soldiers and super heroes, villains and monsters. All this play is done in the name of self-discovery:
Who are we?
What do we enjoy?
What makes us happy or sad?
For many children, this stage of play is important to their development, creating a fictional flood of stories, characters, morals, moments, and messages will carry with us for the rest of our lives.
Much like the children’s fairy tale Peter Pan though, at a certain point as adults we are told that they are no longer allowed to play. Life gets serious, we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and face the unhappy reality that is… reality.
Go get a job, don’t expect any handouts, and you can sleep when you’re dead. Suddenly this outlet of play that we’ve cultivated and grown within us must be cut out like a tumor of creativity. We’re told this is done for our own betterment, for the inarguable benefit of putting childish things behind us.
The idea of no longer playing can be dangerous to the human experience though.
Psychiatrist and founder of the National Institute for Play, Dr. Stuart Brown wrote an entire book on the subject, titled Play.
“[Play] is all around us, yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated until it is missing,” wrote Dr. Brown, likening play to oxygen. “Play is the purest expression of love.”
The mind is not one track. It needs diversity, challenge, and exploration. Adults can find this release in many places. For some it’s reading, for some it’s video games, others find a team sport or an activity like indoor rock climbing or bird watching. For some, it’s games that have long been associated with childhood, like dungeons and dragons or live action role playing, and learning to accept that even traditionally childhood versions of “play” can be as useful for adults as it is for kids.
How you play is not always important. But fitting in play definitely is. Many of us need to unlearn this idea that games and activities are or can be juvenile, and embrace the idea that our minds, emotions, and mental health benefit from letting loose, having fun, and engaging in activities that give us different experiences and ways of thinking.
Relationships are made up of two completely different people. It does not matter if you have similar opinions, dealt with similar life traumas, or agree on everything. You are two different people that experience the world two completely different ways.
On some level, we know this. We recognize that our partners are different from us. But what we often fail to realize is that they are not just different. They have a completely different reality. Understanding this can go a long way toward helping you communicate with each other.
You Are The Protagonist of Your Own Reality – and So Are They
No one exists in this world except for you. If you think about consciousness as a concept, the way our minds see the world is the way only *our* minds see the world. As far as our consciousness is concerned, the universe only exists as long as we can perceive it. Our brains are what create reality.
But while our brains create our reality, our partner’s brains create their reality. They process emotions differently when they do. They experience events differently when they do. Their mind works differently than ours.
There is a word for this in the field of philosophy: Qualia. It is the idea that many or all of our experiences in life are subjective, and so two people – even if they are looking at the same color or seeing the same event – are actually seeing it the exact same way.
A more modern example might be to consider it like a multiverse. Our partner exists in our universe, and we exist in theirs, but we are not in the same universe, because we are not perceiving the world the same way our partner is, and vice versa.
Communicating Through Our Different Experiences
Once we understand that our partners are experiencing a different reality, we can then understand why it is often so hard for us to understand their point of view and see why they feel the way they do.
Most of us do not spend nearly enough time trying to see things from our partners’ perspective. But even when we do, most of us try to understand our partner by picturing our partner in the world as *we* see it. We do not take the time to imagine their reality. We only imagine our reality and try to figure out how our partner feels based on the way we see them.
Couples Counseling Improves Perspective and Communication
Part of the couples counseling process is to address exactly this: to know our partner’s feelings, beliefs, and perspective so intimately, that we can actually rethink how our partner sees the world and truly live in their shoes. We try to understand each partner’s emotions, traumas, needs, and experiences so well that we can actually see our own world and reality differently.
We may never really be able to see the world the exact way our partner does, but if we can at least understand that they have their own reality and take steps to learn more about what that reality is like, we can start communicating with our partners in ways that are more emotionally healthy and with greater love and care.
Shyness and social anxiety are not the same thing. Many people can be shy and/or introverted, but still not struggle with any significant anxieties or fears when faced with social interaction – nor the symptoms that may exist with children that have social anxiety, such as fear of being judged.
But while shyness is not a synonym of social anxiety, they can be related and interact. This can be especially true for preteens and teens. Many children and young people show signs of shyness without the social anxiety, but can potentially develop social anxiety as a result of some of the challenges that teens and tweens face socially.
Young People and Social Development
Younger children are trying to learn their social place and navigate the world. They’re developing not only their social skills, but their coping skills. They’re trying to understand themselves and how others see them. They are also surrounded by children that are still developing in their maturity.
This can lead to situations where children are judged or bullied because of their shyness. They may appear awkward or “weird” to others in their peer group. This can lead to situations where a child’s shyness becomes something more – something where the way their peer group responds to their shy interactions ends up leading to the development of social anxiety.
As parents and caregivers, we want to make sure that we’re helping our kids navigate these struggles. That means paying attention to the difference between the two, working on ways to build confidence, and helping children maintain a positive self-image.
How to Tell the Difference Between Shyness and Social Anxiety
Both shyness and social anxiety can present in very similar ways. Often, it is the smaller details that make it easier to tell them both apart.
Shyness:
Child may have and be satisfied with a few close friends.
Child may not express themselves socially, but be capable of being present.
Child may “warm up” to some people and be less shy with them.
Social Anxiety:
Child looks and acts fearful in social situations.
Child may actively avoid them, or show extreme discomfort.
Child may describe worry, fear of being judged, and fear of embarrassment.
Many people also assume that social anxiety is related to introversion. While that may be true at times, social anxiety can also occur in the extroverted. That is because anxiety is what holds them back socially, not a desire for being alone. If anything, the presence of social anxiety indicates a desire for social situations that is more common of extroverts, not introverts.
Taking Steps to Prevent Shyness from Becoming Social Anxiety
If your child already displays signs of social anxiety, a child therapist can help. Working with your child, they can develop their social skills and self confidence, while also addressing some of the child’s negative self-talk.
But if your child is just shy, this is still an age where it is useful to try to support your child socially in ways that help prevent social anxiety from forming. Social anxiety can impact self-esteem, friendships, the ability to obtain social support, and the social experiences that can help them later in life. Preventing this can be beneficial for their long term development.
How to Support Shy Tweens and Prevent Social Anxiety Development
Therapy for children and teens can help young people that are struggling with shyness. Therapists know how to support children with skill straining, coping, and relationship development. But parents can also help prevent shyness from turning into social anxiety by:
Helping Them Create a Core Group of Friends – Social support is one of the most powerful tools for building confidence and coping with social stressors. If your shy child doesn’t want to interact with many kids, see if you can connect them with a few friends they truly appreciate, and then encourage them to build on those relationships. This can help give them the social support they need to withstand awkwardness.
Let Them See You – Seeing you socially can help them socially. They learn to navigate some of the complexities of relationships and understand more about how to maintain conversations by watching how you interact with others in your life. It helps to normalize the experience and make it seem less foreign or fear inducing.
Teach Social Skills – Your child may not desire to be that social, but they still need to learn social skills. Talk with them, play with them, and teach them how to talk to others so that they’re ready if a situation presents itself.
Build Their Self Image – Make sure that you are always working on building their self-esteem and self-image. It is one of the most effective ways to help your child be resilient in the face of any negativity or emotional discomfort.
Shyness is not at all guaranteed to become social anxiety. But the experiences that young people have while shy can still affect them. Learning how to address these issues head on can help, and – if you find that your child has developed social anxiety – speaking with a therapist in Brooklyn can provide added support that your child may need.
As a society, we are starting to at least acknowledge and recognize the importance of self-care. Each of us needs to learn to take time out of our day to care for ourselves. Not only does self-care make us happier, but it also makes us better parents, better lovers, and better friends. Self-care, in that sense, isn’t just about the self. The more we care for our own mental health, the more we can give others our whole self.
Still, for better or worse, self-care is an industry. Many companies try to offer products and services with the claim that they’ll help you feel better about yourself. In a sense, they’re not wrong. Anything you do for yourself can help you regenerate your energy levels and protect yourself from being overwhelmed. But what does the science say about self-care?
Self-Care That is Supported by Science
Anything that refreshes you and gives you back a sense of health and wellness is worth considering. But there are absolutely some activities that are supported by science. These include:
Sleep – More than anything, if you can find time to sleep restfully, you are going to instantly feel more energized and emotionally/psychologically healthy. The chemicals in your brain that affect mood and wellbeing are all directly impacted by sleep. Sleep longer and better, and you’ll feel much more refreshed.
Exercise – Physical activity also can be directly linked to sleep. There are countless reasons for this. Exercise affects our production of “Good mood” hormones. It “burns off” extra energy to tired your body (which ultimately tires your mind) and improves cognitive functioning, among many other benefits.
Healthy Eating – You’ll notice that many of these are about having a healthier mind and body, and that’s because there is a direct link between how your body feels and how your mental health feels. Healthy eating is another example. Filling your body with vitamins and minerals while avoiding things that make your body feel worse (like fried foods) helps to nourish your brain in ways that improve psychological health and emotional wellness.
Moments of Silence – Life can often feel very overwhelming. One way to address this is to take a few moments of silence – with NO technology – to sit and allow your mind to tire out and refresh. Sometimes, all you need for self-care is to literally do nothing in silence so that you can process everything around you and let it melt away.
Journaling – The diaries that many of us kept when we were younger are actually backed by science. Journaling is very healthy form of self-expression that evidence shows reduces cognitive burden, enhances cognitive ability, and helps us process life’s events.
Other forms of self-care may not be backed by science, but are still beneficial. For example, doing your nails and hair, dressing nicely, and performing other activities that you enjoy can be amazing forms of self-care. They may not be highly researched, but self-care is a very individual experience. Just be sure to assess how you feel when it’s over to know if these are activities that work for you.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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