There are many different couples therapy techniques that we use here at Flourish Psychology. One approach, called the “Gottman Method,” is a popular and well researched couples counseling system that is designed around improving communication, building trust, and identifying ways to change together.
There are many components to the Gottman Method, but today, let’s talk about something called the “Harsh Start Up.” It is a conversational technique that some couples implement that the Gottman Method identifies as essentially “guaranteed to end in negativity.”
Harsh Start Ups and Negative Conversation Outcomes
Harsh startups occur when, within only a few moments of conversation, a partner uses harsh criticism, sarcasm, contempt, or other negative conversational tactics. Some examples of this include:
Always/Never Complaints – “You never ask me how my day is.”
Sarcasm – “Oh yeah, I’m **sure** you were going to get to it.”
Passive Aggressive Complaining – “This house is always a mess when I’m not here.”
Blame – “You are the reason his homework is never completed.”
One Sided – “You are why I am like this.”
Timing also plays a role in a harsh start up. For example, if a person comes home from work happy to see their partner, and the partner responds with saying “as usual, you forgot to take the trash out” in a way that sounds like they have contempt, the conversation immediately goes somewhere negative.
Gottman found that harsh start ups create almost immediate problems:
They lead to defensiveness, shutting down, and frustration.
They escalate, often leading to further fighting and arguments.
They are very unlikely to lead to change or a solution.
Harsh start ups are not always due to some partner’s flaws, or a sign of some ill purpose. Sometimes, harsh start ups are a response to frustration, or because someone feels unheard. Nevertheless, research shows that starting a conversation in this way is essentially doomed to failure, and new ways of conversing are necessary in order to have more productive conversations.
What Are Gentle Start Ups?
Gentle startups are an approach that is far more likely to lead to a successful conversation. Gentle startups tend to utilize “I” statements, avoid contempt, sarcasm, or blame, and are brought on at times that make sense for a conversation. Examples of gentle startups include:
“I’ve been feeling really lonely recently and I would like us to have a date night.”
“I like cooking for the family, but I would really like it if you were able to take on a few nights of cooking, as I’ve been a bit overwhelmed.”
“I saw we were late on the rent this month. Is everything okay?”
“Do you think we could schedule time next weekend to clean the house? I’m feeling like the clutter is starting to get to me.”
Gentle startups are less aggressive and reduce defensiveness. They allow for a more natural conversational flow. That is not to say that every gentle startup will be a successful conversation, but learning to speak to each other in this way can reduce arguments and help promote better and more productive talks in order to work out the problems the couples face.
See a Gottman Therapist Today – Flourish Psychology
Flourish Psychology offers several couples counseling techniques, including Gottman therapy. If you feel like your relationship could improve, give us a call and let’s start a conversation about the best way to help you both thrive as a couple.
Eating disorders are unfortunately common. Caused by a number of factors – including a society that puts pressure on weight loss, trauma, and even genetics – it is common to develop an unhealthy relationship with both food and body weight.
However, one component of this relationship that is often misunderstood is the idea that it is based on some type of real, tangible problem. Sometimes, eating disorders occur because the person’s reality is different from the reality of others, in a way that makes it more complex to treat and to understand. That is especially true of anorexia.
How We View Our Bodies
Anorexia is often viewed solely as an “intense desire to be thin.” In some ways, that is true. Those that struggle with anorexia do have a desire to be thin, and a perception that being thin is an admirable goal. This extreme caloric restriction is one of the ways that they feel they can achieve that.
But what can be challenging for family members to understand is how a person can continue to try to aggressively lose weight after they are already thin. That is because, although they are watching their loved one get thinner and thinner to the point of visible malnutrition, the person with anorexia doesn’t see the same body they do.
When a person with anorexia looks in the mirror, the body they see staring back at them is larger than the one that we see with our eyes. Their body has a different reality than it does to us. That is why it is so challenging for those with anorexia to stop, or to believe that they have lost enough weight and can move towards management. No matter how thin they are, the scale and the mirror tells them that they’re bigger, and that causes extreme distress that leads to more caloric restriction.
Why Anorexia Therapists Are Necessary
Because those with anorexia and their families are living in different realities, it is often very difficult for the families to try to convince their loved one that their low body weight is a problem. They typically cannot see it, and do not know that their reality is distorted or different from yours.
Therapy for anorexia requires a multifaceted approach, combining psychotherapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy with treatments, including those that involve the family or address related issues like anxiety and depression. Sometimes, different approaches may be needed depending on the “reality” of the person with anorexia, how it developed, how long they’ve struggled with, and more.
But anorexia can be treated. There are ways to help people see their body in a healthier way, and identify better coping habits and eating habits to improve their mental and physical health. For anorexia therapy in Brooklyn and NYC, call Flourish Psychology.
Flourish Psychology is a private practice in Brooklyn that offers couples therapy services, available for couples in any stage in their relationship. Part of identifying the best way to heal and grow your relationship is to determine what approach is most likely to provide you with the greatest benefit.
We believe that every couple is unique, and – rather than adhere to one strict and rigid approach – we try to find out what solution makes the most sense for you both in your marriage or partnership.
The Gottman Method
One of the techniques that we may deploy is known as the Gottman Method. It is a popular, extensively researched couples therapy approach that integrates many different techniques to rebuild a relationship.
There are many tenants the Gottman Method, but the simplest way to understand this approach is that it identifies signs of a struggling relationship through specific behaviors (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt) that are often identified within therapy, and then tries to address those through a series of techniques designed around rebuilding love, affection, trust, and communication – known as the “Sound Relationship House Theory.”
The Gottman Method is also a conflict resolution technique, and designed to help reduce issues with perpetual conflict.
What Are Some Gottman Method Therapy Techniques?
Like most forms of both therapy and couples counseling, the Gottman Method is not one single technique but a series of different strategies that the couple will do together. The Gottman Method is also actionable – meaning, there are specific tasks that the couples are expected to complete. Some forms of couples counseling are more about thoughts, feelings, and understandings, but the Gottman Method has specific tasks for each couple.
Examples of these techniques include:
Creating Love Maps – Love Maps involve creating connections and mental space in your mind for all the details of your partner, like who they are, their life history, their experiences, their traumas, their goals, and even specific things like their opinions and quirks. The goal is to know your partner intimately enough that they are almost like a part of you.
Learning to “Turn Towards” – Within relationships, partners often seek out love and affection from their partner. It’s not uncommon in struggling relationships for the other partner to ignore this need or not realize what is being asked of them. This technique helps the couple respond in a healthier way when their partner needs them.
Share Fondness and Admiration – One unhealthy habit that couples can fall into is forgetting to emphasize and share their positive views of their partner, especially if the relationship has created more toxic communication habits. This technique makes it easier to share positive traits within a setting where the counselor can guide healthy interactions.
The Gottman Method is extensive, and there are far more techniques that may be used, such as conflict resolution strategies, self-soothing, creating shared meaning, and more. What is ultimately used depends on where you are as a couple and what we see is the best way to help you achieve a long lasting relationship.
Gottman Therapists in NYC with Flourish Psychology
The Gottman Method is an outstanding approach to couples therapy, and we have helped many couples find greater strength in their relationship through this methodology. But it is also only one approach of many, and sometimes, it helps to know you as a couple to determine what therapy is best. Please schedule a time to speak about your relationship, and let’s help determine what will be the best way to provide you with a stronger, longer lasting partnership.
Flourish Psychology is a boutique private practice located in Brooklyn in New York City. We believe in individuality – of being and living your true self in a way that is free of judgment. We want you to be supported, and we want you to know that you deserve to be the true you.
But while we believe in seeing you the way you wish to be seen, we also acknowledge that it remains a challenging world for LGBTQ+ and those living alternative lifestyles. It can also be even harder the further away you are from large city centers, where coming out at all can be dangerous and finding the support you need even more difficult.
Benefits of Online Therapy in New York
The desire for discretion and privacy is one of the reasons that we offer remote therapy for those living throughout New York State. We know that even in big cities, where diversity is more common, it can be hard to feel free to be yourself. It is often even more difficult in the more remote areas of the state, where everyone knows their neighbor and where access to a psychologist that recognizes that individuality can be exceedingly difficult.
Our therapists, based in Brooklyn, provide LGBTQ+ affirming care to both support your ability to live your individuality, and to make sure you have the support you need to address some of the anxieties, stresses, and other issues you may struggle with as a result of both the pressures of society and day to day life.
By providing therapy online, you can receive treatment from the comfort of your own home. This allows you to:
See a therapist that is not directly connected to your community.
Receive treatment in a way that is completely discreet.
Be in a place where you feel safe and can be yourself during treatment.
Remote therapy also opens the door to see a therapist in areas that do not traditionally have access to any mental healthcare, let alone one that is experienced in supporting LGTBQA individuals. We can also provide gender affirming care for transgender adults, help you cope with the changes that may arise during transition, and provide coping strategies as you navigate a difficult medical system.
Free to Be Who You Are
In addition to our work with individuals, we also provide couples counseling and relationship therapy to any type of couple, including those in non-traditional relationships. We know you deserve support, and our therapists are here to provide it for you.
Let Flourish Psychology help you be you. Contact us today to learn more about our treatment options, or to be connected to one of our therapists.
Mental health is complicated. Relationships are also complicated. Sometimes, we are able to identify when we need help for one problem or the other. When we struggle with anxiety, we may seek out an anxiety therapist. When our relationships struggle, we may seek out a couples counselor. But, often, we do not always recognize the way that both can affect each other.
Individual or Couples Therapy?
Mental health can affect relationships and vice versa. For example, if someone within a relationship is struggling with issues related to anxiety and depression, it is likely to affect their relationship:
They may be more irritable, and more prone to conversational issues.
They may not lose some of their passion or willingness to try.
They may not be as social, or have trouble socially.
They may get overwhelmed easily or struggle to problem solve in a healthy way.
When one individual in the relationship is struggling with their mental health, the couples is often less intimate, less loving, and less likely to be able to handle conflict.
Similarly, our relationships have a direct effect on our stress levels and mental health. When a relationship is struggling, we may suffer from ongoing and persistent stress that can make us feel more anxious, more depressed, and more overwhelmed by other issues that happen throughout the day.
While we often try to identify as having one issue or the other, both mental health and relationships are not always so easily categorized. That is why it is so important for a therapist to get to know YOU. When someone really sees you and understands you, that’s how they can help you with your quality of life.
Identifying the Cause of a Mental Health Challenge to Treat it
Flourish Psychology, a private practice in NYC, offers both couples counseling and individual therapy to help patients and their partners get the help they need. We can schedule a consult for either one or both of you, talk to you about the struggles you’ve been having, and try to identify what approach to treatment and recovery makes the most sense for helping you improve every component of your life.
We also can treat your relationship issues as an individual. We can talk to you about your struggles within the relationship, see if there are ways we can guide you forward, and ensure that you’re receiving the individual care that you deserve.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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