Accurately acknowledging the pronouns of the people you meet has become a professional and scholastic standard over the past several years. Besides fostering a greater state of mental health, correct pronoun use can also create a more confident sense of gender identity in ourselves and those around us.
But the widespread use of pronouns in society is, in many ways, new – at least for many of us. While the effort required to recognize every person’s chosen pronouns can seem daunting at first, a little can go a long way in creating a more comfortable work or school environment.
Understanding Pronouns and Pronoun Preferences
None of the information here is meant to pertain to anyone’s personal gender, or even their acceptance of exploring self-identity. This guide is meant to only assist in treating others with the respect and decency we should expect within a professional environment. It is not intended for either self-expression or correction, but simply for educational reference and understanding.
We are also not going to go over every pronoun someone may claim as their own, as that simply cannot be done here. Activists and educators are, even as we speak, working with language to try to find scientific and acceptable ways to help people better communicate who they are and what they need.
What we can do however, is provide a basic overview of what one can expect terminology to infer, and therefore how we can respond with recognition, if not support.
He/Him: By identifying with He/Him pronouns, a person is telling those around them to view them as a man. This does not necessarily mean they associate themselves with what we view as “masculine”, but it does imply that this individual views himself as a male. Therefore in a professional setting he should expect us to follow best practices and refer to him as such, as that decision is a part of his life that we are not involved in.
She/Her: In utilizing She/Her pronouns, an individual is making it clear that they view themselves as a woman, and live a life associated with that. That can look differently to different women, and again has nothing to do with her relationship with femininity. The chosen pronoun simply reflects the gender identity she may feel represents her accurately.
They/Them: Referred to as “nonbinary” pronouns, there are several different meanings someone may be considering when going by They/Them. There could be a complete abandonment of the gender binary, meaning they don’t identify as male or female, or they may see parts of both genders reflected in who they are, and therefore have chosen a middle ground.
There are other possible reasons for this pronoun choice as well, which does well to highlight that main fact: whatever their reasoning is, their pronoun choice simply asks that we refer to them as with They/Them rather than He/Him or She/Her.
He/They: Lastly, but by no means comprehensively, there are many who associate with two pronouns, and offer an option of use rather than a strict identity. Someone claiming He/They as their pronouns may view themselves as a man sometimes or partially, while also associating with a degree of nonbinary identity.
The same would be true for someone who’s pronouns are She/They, in that they identify both as a woman and as nonbinary in some form or fashion. Again, while these pronouns may seem harder to understand at first, it is only because they represent an identity that is personal to the person claiming them.
What somebody identifies as and how they wish to be referred to has nothing to do with who they were before we met them. It can be helpful to view someone’s pronouns in the same way as someone’s name. It represents them, and what they wish to be called is their choice. Some pronouns, like “they” may seem difficult at first. But remember that we already use “they” to refer to individuals whose gender we do not know.
For example, when we hear a name that is not typically associated with a single gender, like “Jordan,” we may already ask questions that use the term “they.” For example, we may say “what do they do?” or “who are they to you?” This type of plural usage is common in American English. Those that are choosing to go by “They” are essentially asking you to use the same.
More on Gender Identity
Gender identity and pronouns may be included in today’s political battles. But for most of us, all they are is a sign of respect, and a way to help make sure that those that identify as a specific pronoun and those that are struggling with or learning to acknowledge their own gender identity, are treated with respect – respect that also may support their mental health.
If you are someone that is struggling to feel affirmed with your own gender identity, or you find that others around you are not offering the support you need, please contact Flourish Psychology today to learn more about our LGBTQ affirming care services and other forms of therapy.
Within the mental health world, we tend to broaden how we talk about treatments. We refer to treatments using categories, like “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (CBT), when really, there are many specific actions, activities, and treatment styles within these different treatments.
For example, one component of CBT is known as “behavioral activation.” It can be used as part of a treatment for many mental health conditions and is a core component of CBT treatment for depression. We use it often for mold to moderate depression symptoms here at Flourish Psychology in Brooklyn – though it is important to note that it is frequently combined with other components of CBT, along with non-CBT therapies depending on the patient.
What is Behavioral Activation?
Behavioral activation is a term that refers to helping individuals overcome depression by increasing their engagement in rewarding and fulfilling activities. It recognizes that depression often leads to withdrawal, avoidance, and a decrease in pleasurable and meaningful activities, which can further perpetuate the cycle of depression. The goal of behavioral activation is to help individuals gradually increase their activity levels and reconnect with positive experiences.
Techniques in Behavioral Activation
Even within behavioral activation, there are specific techniques that therapists may use and implement. Some of these are structured, and will be a part of every treatment. Others may be mentioned or discussed in therapy based on the feedback and information provided by the patient. These include:
Activity Monitoring – The therapist and individual work together to identify activities that the individual used to enjoy or find fulfilling but has stopped engaging in due to depression. They may keep a record of daily activities, including the type of activity, the duration, and the level of pleasure or mastery experienced during each activity.
Activity Scheduling – Based on the activity monitoring, the therapist and individual collaboratively develop a structured schedule of activities that includes both enjoyable and necessary tasks. The schedule is designed to gradually increase the person’s engagement in pleasurable activities and restore a sense of accomplishment.
Behavioral Experiments – The therapist and individual may design behavioral experiments to test the individual’s beliefs or assumptions about certain activities. For example, if the person believes that they won’t enjoy going for a walk, they might be encouraged to try it out and examine their actual experience. This helps challenge negative expectations and promotes the discovery of new sources of pleasure or mastery.
Breaking Tasks into Smaller Steps – For individuals who find it challenging to initiate or complete tasks due to feeling overwhelmed, the therapist may help them break down activities into smaller, more manageable steps. This makes the tasks seem less daunting and increases the likelihood of engagement.
Graded Task Assignment – Tasks are assigned in a step-by-step manner, gradually increasing in difficulty or complexity. This approach allows individuals to experience a sense of mastery and build confidence as they successfully complete increasingly challenging activities.
Problem-Solving – If barriers or obstacles arise during activity engagement, the therapist assists the individual in problem-solving and finding solutions to overcome those challenges. This fosters adaptive coping skills and resilience.
By gradually increasing engagement in rewarding activities, behavioral activation aims to counteract the negative reinforcement cycle of depression. It helps individuals experience positive emotions, regain a sense of accomplishment, and improve overall mood and functioning.
CBT and Behavioral Activation as Treatment for Depression
Behavioral activation is one of many effective ways to start helping those with depression regain their quality of life and promote a healthier mindset. It is very effective, but like other treatments, it is not typically provided on its own. It is combined with other components of CBT, such as cognitive restructuring, and may also be combined with treatments outside of CBT depending on the individual and the therapist.
Whether you and your therapist choose to pursue behavioral activation, or use a different strategy, it is helpful to recognize that CBT is multifaceted and complex. We, as therapists, may talk about CBT as though it is one strategy performed one way, but within it are many different approaches that can all help those with depression – and other mental health conditions – find relief from their symptoms.
Learn more or get started with CBT for depression by contacting Flourish Psychology in NYC, today.
We hope you had a wonderful fourth of July with your friends and family! Walking outside in Brooklyn, we could smell the barbecues, hear the laughter, and see a lot of happy faces.
It’s also a good time to ask a question that we ask twice every year: why are we still doing fireworks?
Working with Trauma
It’s true that fireworks can be very beautiful. Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks are often some of the best in the United States. Some of us have memories of our first ever large scale fireworks displays. Those of us from other states may have also lit our own fireworks in our backyards with friends and family.
But most of us are not wowed by fireworks anymore, and – unless you have a front row seat – they’re really more like little lights in the distance. The majority of us do not even attend fireworks displays, choosing instead to watch them on TV or ignore them altogether.
So, as therapists, we have to ask: do we really need fireworks?
People with post-traumatic stress disorder – including, if not especially, veterans of the armed forces, are often triggered by fireworks. In one of the great “ironies” of fireworks displays, some of the very people that many of us pay respect to on July 4th are those that have severe anxiety, stress, and sometimes even emotional breakdowns as a result of fireworks displays.
There are already many questions about the value of fireworks.
Fireworks release dangerous particles in the atmosphere.
They can cause injury or even death when mishandled.
They keep people awake at night.
They are expensive, at a time when income inequality and social service investments are down.
They have led to fires, a risk that is even more common now that the climate is changing.
But the fact that they also trigger traumatic episodes in shooting survivors, veterans, and others that have experienced trauma, it may be time to really sit down and think about whether or not fireworks are still a necessity for our more enlightened society. Fireworks can be beautiful. But there are many other options available as well, and the loud noise, pollution, and psychological consequences of fireworks may no longer be worth it. It may be time to consider alternative options for our mental health.
Growing up, everyone is taught to play. We’re sent outside for recess and given a ball, a Frisbee, or a jungle gym. We’re told to exercise, express ourselves, get into trouble (but not too much) and learn about the world around us.
So, we go out, and we play. We play pretend, imagining ourselves to be princes and princesses, soldiers and super heroes, villains and monsters. All this play is done in the name of self-discovery:
Who are we?
What do we enjoy?
What makes us happy or sad?
For many children, this stage of play is important to their development, creating a fictional flood of stories, characters, morals, moments, and messages will carry with us for the rest of our lives.
Much like the children’s fairy tale Peter Pan though, at a certain point as adults we are told that they are no longer allowed to play. Life gets serious, we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and face the unhappy reality that is… reality.
Go get a job, don’t expect any handouts, and you can sleep when you’re dead. Suddenly this outlet of play that we’ve cultivated and grown within us must be cut out like a tumor of creativity. We’re told this is done for our own betterment, for the inarguable benefit of putting childish things behind us.
The idea of no longer playing can be dangerous to the human experience though.
Psychiatrist and founder of the National Institute for Play, Dr. Stuart Brown wrote an entire book on the subject, titled Play.
“[Play] is all around us, yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated until it is missing,” wrote Dr. Brown, likening play to oxygen. “Play is the purest expression of love.”
The mind is not one track. It needs diversity, challenge, and exploration. Adults can find this release in many places. For some it’s reading, for some it’s video games, others find a team sport or an activity like indoor rock climbing or bird watching. For some, it’s games that have long been associated with childhood, like dungeons and dragons or live action role playing, and learning to accept that even traditionally childhood versions of “play” can be as useful for adults as it is for kids.
How you play is not always important. But fitting in play definitely is. Many of us need to unlearn this idea that games and activities are or can be juvenile, and embrace the idea that our minds, emotions, and mental health benefit from letting loose, having fun, and engaging in activities that give us different experiences and ways of thinking.
Relationships are made up of two completely different people. It does not matter if you have similar opinions, dealt with similar life traumas, or agree on everything. You are two different people that experience the world two completely different ways.
On some level, we know this. We recognize that our partners are different from us. But what we often fail to realize is that they are not just different. They have a completely different reality. Understanding this can go a long way toward helping you communicate with each other.
You Are The Protagonist of Your Own Reality – and So Are They
No one exists in this world except for you. If you think about consciousness as a concept, the way our minds see the world is the way only *our* minds see the world. As far as our consciousness is concerned, the universe only exists as long as we can perceive it. Our brains are what create reality.
But while our brains create our reality, our partner’s brains create their reality. They process emotions differently when they do. They experience events differently when they do. Their mind works differently than ours.
There is a word for this in the field of philosophy: Qualia. It is the idea that many or all of our experiences in life are subjective, and so two people – even if they are looking at the same color or seeing the same event – are actually seeing it the exact same way.
A more modern example might be to consider it like a multiverse. Our partner exists in our universe, and we exist in theirs, but we are not in the same universe, because we are not perceiving the world the same way our partner is, and vice versa.
Communicating Through Our Different Experiences
Once we understand that our partners are experiencing a different reality, we can then understand why it is often so hard for us to understand their point of view and see why they feel the way they do.
Most of us do not spend nearly enough time trying to see things from our partners’ perspective. But even when we do, most of us try to understand our partner by picturing our partner in the world as *we* see it. We do not take the time to imagine their reality. We only imagine our reality and try to figure out how our partner feels based on the way we see them.
Couples Counseling Improves Perspective and Communication
Part of the couples counseling process is to address exactly this: to know our partner’s feelings, beliefs, and perspective so intimately, that we can actually rethink how our partner sees the world and truly live in their shoes. We try to understand each partner’s emotions, traumas, needs, and experiences so well that we can actually see our own world and reality differently.
We may never really be able to see the world the exact way our partner does, but if we can at least understand that they have their own reality and take steps to learn more about what that reality is like, we can start communicating with our partners in ways that are more emotionally healthy and with greater love and care.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
Manage Consent
By clicking “Accept”, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
