Many of us have a deep desire to be in a long lasting, loving relationship. We imagine ourselves finding “the one” and envision our life changing for the better – a family, maybe kids, and the chance to grow old with a partner that will be with you each and every day.
Life doesn’t always work out that way.
Many people find themselves unable to find this relationship. They find themselves getting older, and feel like they are on a timeline to meet someone soon. They may feel pressure to find a mate fast so that they can have kids while it is still biologically possible, or they may see their friends getting married and wonder why they’re not in the same place.
There is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship. But, it may also be important to embrace single life, and to do so in a way where you *could* be single for the rest of your life even if you don’t *want* to be.
It Starts with Loving Yourself
When we give ourselves an arbitrary timeline to meet a mate and get married, we can easily run into one of many situations that can hurt our mental health and happiness. For example:
We can feel desperate to make a relationship work, even one that is toxic to our mental health.
We can lose self-esteem and self-confidence, or even develop depression and anxiety over not reaching these timelines.
We can lose ourselves, finding that time has passed and we haven’t accomplished other, personal goals as well.
If you give yourself an arbitrary timeline to meet and marry a partner, you can run into situations where you’ve lost a large chunk of your life seeking relationships, instead of engaging in other activities that would give your life more meaning. You can find that you’re focused on feeling sad or empty, ignoring the other many joys of the world around you.
Psychologically Coming to Terms with a Life of Singlehood
If you desire a relationship, then you shouldn’t give up on relationships. If you want a family, want kids, and want to find a partner you truly love, there is nothing wrong with that being one of your goals.
But it should also only be *one* of your goals. You should also learn to love yourself enough that you can learn to live single and still have a happy, fulfilling life. You should learn to find and engage in activities that provide you with positive, happy experiences, so that you can continue to enjoy life each and every day in the absence of a relationship. You can focus on finding a partner that you truly love, and not focus as much on pressure to get married because you feel like you need to be married by a specific age.
We only live one life. We deserve to enjoy it as much as possible. Getting married and starting a family is one way to enjoy it, but so is bowling, hiking, travel, learning a skill, spending time with friends, and so much more. We can desire and seek relationships, but we should also learn to enjoy the single life and live in such a way that, even in a situation where you remain single, you still embrace every day and the joys it can bring.
If you are struggling with being single, or you’re finding that you’re not where you want to be in your relationships, please reach out to Flourish Psychology today, and let’s talk about how we can make your life richer and more fulfilling while also addressing your relationship-related needs.
There is no timeline for love. But that doesn’t mean that we’re not going to find ourselves feeling rushed now and again. There are some biological issues at play – for example, if you’re trying to have children – and of course, many people prefer the idea of young love, when we’re at our physical peaks, but love can come at any time. What matters is understanding yourself, opening yourself up to what you’re looking for, being realistic with your expectations, and managing your standards and goals.
When we’re young, the idea of meeting someone can, for some people, feel almost unnecessary. “We have all the time in the world” or “we’re still young.” When we get older, it’s not uncommon to feel a bit more discouraged, especially when we reach the milestone age of 40 and find that many of our friends in that age group are married and may even have kids.
It can be discouraging. But you also don’t what that feeling of discouragement to interfere with your mental health, or your ability to meet a mate, or change your core values. So what can you do if you’re feeling issues? What can you do if you’re feeling external pressures, or biological ones, or you’re simply feeling upset that you haven’t found “the one.”
Recognizing the Source of the Pressure
Goals CAN change. Some people become 40+ and realize that they’re perfectly happy with themselves and who they are. Maybe they’re still looking for someone, maybe they aren’t, but overall they’re comfortable with themselves and whatever happens, happens.
For those that have been looking for or hoping for a mate, however, it isn’t uncommon to feel upset at where you are. It’s okay to be upset about not reaching your goals, and we know that navigating the current dating landscape is becoming more difficult. But discouragement about being single at 40 often stems less from the experience itself, and more form how it is interpreted both internally and externally. For example:
Social Expectations – Cultural messages often equate success with partnership, especially by midlife. These expectations may not reflect current realities or individual preferences, but they can still create a sense of inadequacy.
Comparison with Peers – Seeing others in long-term relationships or raising children can prompt questions about one’s own path, even if those paths were never personally desirable.
Relationship History – People who have experienced loss, long-term breakups, or patterns of unsatisfying relationships may feel discouraged not because they are single, but because they are carrying unresolved emotional weight.
Uncertainty About the Future – Concerns about aging, health, or companionship can compound emotional discomfort, especially when there is no clear timeline for meeting someone.
These are all valid emotional responses, but they are not static conditions. They can be processed, challenged, and reframed with the right psychological tools.
Separating Identity from Relationship Status
A key shift in maintaining mental and emotional health is learning to separate self-worth from relationship status. This involves recognizing that:
Being in a relationship does not inherently indicate emotional maturity or stability.
Being single does not mean a person is incomplete, behind, or lacking.
The ability to form and sustain healthy relationships starts with internal regulation, boundary-setting, and self-awareness—skills that are often better developed in midlife.
Many individuals who remain single at 40 have done so not due to failure, but due to intentional choices, personal growth, or high standards that protect their well-being. Recognizing this distinction can reduce feelings of discouragement and replace them with a sense of agency.
Building Stability Without Waiting for Partnership
Discouragement often increases when life is placed on hold while waiting for the “right” relationship. A more productive and psychologically protective approach involves investing in areas of life that provide fulfillment and emotional regulation regardless of relationship status.
These areas might include:
Friendship and Social Connection – Quality relationships, whether romantic or platonic, play a central role in mental health. Intentional investment in friendship networks can meet many of the emotional needs associated with partnership.
Personal Development – Learning new skills, setting financial or professional goals, and engaging in creative work can create meaning and identity outside of relational roles.
Physical and Mental Wellness – Regular exercise, therapy, mindfulness, or other forms of self-care improve resilience and reduce the risk of internalizing loneliness.
Purpose-Oriented Activities – Volunteering, mentoring, or participating in community organizations provides structure and emotional reward that often mirror the benefits of shared life with a partner.
These efforts do not replace the value of a romantic relationship – but they do create a stable emotional base that allows future relationships to be additive rather than compensatory.
Accepting Ambiguity While Remaining Open
One of the most emotionally complex aspects of being single at 40 is the uncertainty. There are no guarantees that a relationship will form, nor is there a defined path for how or when it might happen. This ambiguity can lead to either despair or acceptance depending on how it is managed.
Psychologically, individuals tend to benefit most from adopting a mindset that is both accepting of their current reality and open to change. That includes:
Acknowledging grief or disappointment without letting it define identity
Allowing space for hope without forcing timelines
Recognizing that relationships may form in unexpected ways or at different life stages
Understanding that being “ready” does not guarantee outcomes, but it improves the experience of waiting
It is often the combination of internal stability and emotional openness that allows people to meet others in meaningful ways, especially later in life.
Remaining Single Does Not Mean Something Is Wrong
Being single at 40 may feel out of sync with expectations, but it is not an indicator of personal failure. For many, it reflects a set of circumstances, values, or priorities that have led to a different – though still complete – life trajectory. Discouragement can be a temporary emotional response, not a permanent state, especially when it is examined through a lens of emotional awareness and self-respect.
If you’re finding yourself having trouble with being single at this age, and you’re looking for help with your mental health, please reach out to Flourish Psychology today and let’s talk about what this feeling means for you and what we can do to overcome it.
Successful relationships are a partnership AND made up of two unique individuals. You want to feel connected to another person, but you also want to make sure that you have your own independence, and that you’re willing to speak up for yourself, attend to your needs, engage independently in activities that appeal to you, and more.
Many people struggle with this balance, especially when it comes to what’s called “Codependency” – an extreme emotional and psychological reliance on a partner that makes it more difficult for one or both partners to have a mutually content relationship.
Some degree of partner reliance is often healthy. But too much can push a partner away, make it difficult to function properly, and so much more.
The problem is that many people struggle to identify when they’re the ones with codependency issues. How do you know the difference between healthy reliance on a partner, and co-dependency issues that may hurt your mental health and your relationship?
Signs of Codependency in Yourself
It’s okay to love your partner. It’s okay to feel emotionally connected to them. But pay attention to signs of codependency that may indicate that you are having issues with codependency, and know when to seek help. For example:
Trouble Saying No – If you have a difficult time saying no to your partner’s needs and wants, even at the expense of your happiness.
Behavioral Monitoring – If you’re paying too much attention to how your partner feels and trying to reach in ways to make them happy or avoid conflict.
Fearing Abandonment – If you alter your behaviors, even if they hurt you, because you’re worried about your partner leaving.
Guilt from Self-Care – If you feel especially guilty or anxious about engaging in any self-care activities.
Identity Loss – If you give up everything that made you who you are in order to appease the needs of someone else.
Emotionally Exhausted and Overwhelmed – If you’re frequently feeling exhausted or overwhelmed from the work you put in to making a partner satisfied.
Low Self Esteem – If you have low self-worth, especially if it appears to be tied to how you see yourself in the relationship.
Problem Solver – If you are constantly trying to solve problems for someone else and make life easier for them, without expecting them to put in the work.
These are only some of the signs that a person may be struggling with codependency. Your relationship should lift you up, be mutually beneficial, provide you with confidence in yourself and the future, and be with someone that is there to help you with your needs. If you find that you’re not in this type of relationship, but you have significant dependence on your partner, that may be codependency.
What Happens Next?
If you believe that this describes you and your experience, typically it is something you address in psychotherapy. Often, this type of dependency comes from other sources, such as abandonment issues in youth, low self-esteem, abuse, and more.
If you are concerned, or you simply want to make your experience in relationships better, please reach out to Flourish Psychology today.
Couples counseling is one of the best tools available to heal a struggling relationship. Couples therapy is real therapy – researched, effective, and a great way to address marriage and relationship difficulties.
But it’s also important to remember that a relationship is made up of two individuals. You are one entity, but you are also two people with two different backgrounds, needs, and more. As such, it’s important to remember that sometimes, the best approach to healing a relationship is not healing the relationship, but healing yourself.
Trauma and Relationships
Anxiety, depression, stress – there are many things that affect our ability to be present in relationships, to handle stress, and more.
Past traumas can be especially problematic. There are many situations where a person’s unresolved traumas affect how they feel and how they act in their relationship. For example:
Past infidelity in an past relationship can cause people to struggle to trust their current partners, even if their partners are not giving them any indications of infidelity.
Parental issues can cause people to have stress about abandonment, or about how relationships should work. Divorced parents that fought often may lead to children that grow up struggling with affection or stress.
Assault can lead partners to have trouble with intimacy, which in turn can hurt a relationship over time.
These are all examples of ways that a person’s past traumas can influence how they give and receive love, how they handle stress, and much more. When these situations occur, it is possible to heal them in a couples counseling setting. But it may also be valuable to look at these as an individual issue.
Perhaps, instead of seeking treatment as a couple, you may benefit from receiving your own personal treatment for these past traumas.
How We Address Unresolved Trauma in Therapy
We can use individual counseling, rather than couples counseling, to address these unresolved traumas. We can try to help you process things that maybe you were not able to process in the past, or confront emotions that you haven’t been able to address. There are therapeutic modalities that are very effective for dealing with childhood trauma, post traumatic stress disorder, and more, all to help you address these issues in the short and long term.
We can also help you learn coping skills that can help you in your relationships, so that you are able to still address the challenges of your marriage.
Couples Counseling vs Trauma Therapy
Couples counseling remains a highly effective way to address issues in a relationship. But sometimes, what you need most to help your marriage is support for you as an individual. If you would like to learn more about either couples counseling or individual therapy, please reach out to Flourish Psychology, today.
Couples counseling – and couples therapy – is evidence based. We *know,* based on science, that these approaches work, and with the right guidance and support, you can improve communication, build trust, and see an improvement in your relationship.
But one thing that is important to understand is that a relationship is not only two people, but two unique, distinctive, entirely separate people. While couples counseling is designed to enhance the relationship, sometimes it is an individual’s needs that are just as important.
The Challenges an Individual Brings Into a Relationship
How couples communicate, how they build memories, how they tackle problems – these are all important for the relationship to succeed, and all parts of what make a relationship successful. They’re also issues that can be best worked on together, so that both partners are being pointed in the same direction and have a better understanding of each other’s needs and expectations.
Still, within a relationship, it is often the individual that needs to be addressed – either in addition to or even as an alternative to couples counseling. For example:
Anxiety and Depression – If one partner has anxiety and/or depression, it can be especially difficult to be present in the relationship. If they’re overstressed or worrying about many things, it can come out as irritability or damage a marriage.
Trauma – Past traumas play a tremendous role in our ability to manage a relationship. Unresolved trauma can make it hard for us to show affection, love, accept affection, feel connection, and more.
Individual Relationship Issues – Sometimes, within a relationship, a person needs to work through their issues privately or more personally rather than in front of their partner. It may be because the information feels too sensitive, or because they are individual issues and the partner is not necessarily someone to bring into the conversation yet.
Work stress, financial issues, even infidelity – there are many issues that a person may find would be better to address individually with a therapist, rather than with their partner in a couples counseling setting. Individual therapy can also help augment traditional couples counseling, giving each partner a chance to talk in private with a therapist about things they are not (yet) ready to talk about with their partners that came up during counseling.
Addressing the Individual and the Couple
Couples counseling remains one of the best tools we have for repairing a relationship. But that doesn’t mean that it is the only approach that will work. There are going to be those that may benefit from individual therapy, either in general or in the context of the relationship. Mental health is complex, and working together, we can determine the best way to make sure you’re living your best life and getting the most from the relationship. For more information about our couples counseling services in Brooklyn, please contact Flourish Psychology, today.
Society – and couples – are facing situations they have never faced before, and are being forced to adjust to those situations very quickly. One example of this is how to appropriately use technology while in a relationship. This is something that couples have essentially only faced in the past 20 years, especially with regards to smartphones.
We’re also now trying our best to figure out how to talk about these issues with each other and in therapy. An example of this is what we’re going to call “digital betrayal” – when you betray the trust of your partner by engaging in some behavior with technology that your partner feels you should not do.
Examples of Digital Betrayal
Digital betrayal is when you betray a partner through a phone, tablet, or other form of online technology, but did not necessarily betray them in person. It’s not infidelity in the typical sense, where someone engages in physical sexual behavior with another partner. Rather, it’s a form of trust betrayal that occurs solely online, and almost always without the other partner knowing. Examples may include:
Chatting or messaging an ex lover, celebrity, or member of the opposite sex in secret.
Watching pornography at inappropriate times or storing photos/video on their phone.
Sending or receiving sexual imagery from someone other than a spouse.
Not all “digital betrayal” is going to be sexual or romantic in nature, either. Betrayal can come in many forms, such as being on a person’s phone instead of getting an important task done, staying up playing games when you should be sleeping, or saying very overly negative things about a partner in a situation where sharing that information is not appropriate.
Another potentially common form of digital betrayal may also be looking at someone’s phone and private messages without consent. Our phones can have private conversations, and individual partners are allowed to have these conversations without the other partner reading them in secret.
No matter the type of “betrayal,” the commonality among all of them is that it breaks trust in the relationship and causes pain that both partners need to address.
Working Through Digital Betrayal in Couples Counseling
This issue between couples is new and complex. In some cases, there is a very clear betrayal of trust that both partners can acknowledge. In other cases, there may be layers – for example, someone may not understand why what they did was wrong, or may feel defensive about their technology usage. There are also issues with phone addiction and connection that may arise.
“Online infidelity,” and other similar betrayals of trust, are typically all factors that chip away at a relationship. In fact, even minor issues can become very serious problems in a relationship. If one partner does not trust another, they can sometimes rebuild that trust through spending time together and sharing conversations and experiences.
But digital trust is something that occurs almost entirely on a phone, and the thing is, most of us are going to still be on our phones. Being on the phone is also a solo activity, which means that a partner is going to be on their phone, semi-in secret, by themselves. This may lead to more distrust, among other relationship issues between partners.
It can be very difficult to break patterns on your own. Couples therapy offers a path to healing by addressing these issues directly and working to rebuild the trust that has been lost.
Couples therapy provides a safe space for partners to confront the betrayal, express their feelings, and begin the process of rebuilding trust. The therapy is structured to help both partners understand the underlying issues that may have contributed to the betrayal and to develop strategies for moving forward together.
Open Communication – A key element of the therapy process is fostering open and honest communication. This allows both partners to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, creating a foundation for understanding and reconciliation. In this case, we would discuss fears, behaviors that have affected trust, and more.
Identifying Boundaries – Couples therapy also focuses on helping partners establish and agree upon clear boundaries in the digital realm. This might include setting rules for online interactions, discussing what is considered appropriate behavior, and agreeing on how to handle potential future challenges.
Rebuilding Trust – Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and rebuilding it after a digital betrayal can be a complex process. Therapists work with couples to gradually restore trust by encouraging transparency, consistency in actions, and emotional support. This process takes time, but with commitment and effort from both partners, it is possible to rebuild a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Recovering from digital betrayal is not easy, but couples therapy offers a structured approach to healing. By addressing the issues head-on and working together, couples can begin to rebuild the trust that has been lost. The therapy helps partners develop the tools they need to navigate the complexities of the digital world while maintaining a healthy, trusting relationship.
Get Started Today with Flourish Psychology
Flourish Psychology has an incredibly talented team of therapists that can provide couples counseling and related services to help you with these complex problems. We can also provide individual therapy, for those that are trying to gain a better understanding of themselves and take more control over their own behaviors.
At Flourish Psychology, we believe in helping both partners learn to better understand each other, and eventually themselves, and take a scientific approach to these types of relationship problems in order for both of you to move forward. For more information about our couples counseling services in NYC, please contact Flousih Psychology, today.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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