What Draws People to Doomscrolling and TikTok Videos?

by Micaha | Oct 12, 2026 | Stress

We Have So Little Free Time in the Day – Why Do We Spend it Watching and Reading Slop?

If it seems like we have less time now than ever before to do the activities we want to do, that is partially true. Most New Yorkers are working more, taking their kids to more after school activities, and trying to navigate a variety of personal and professional obligations with little time for self-care, or to enjoy the activities we tend to enjoy most.

Still, there’s a catch here: most of us are addicted to one of the most “time sucking” activities that we can engage in. We’re doomscrolling. Or, if not literally doomscrolling, we’re watching TikTok videos and Facebook Reels for hours and hours on end.

If you work from 9am to 5pm, and you have kids, you probably have maybe 2 hours total in the day that you can spend on your own needs and desires. And yet the average New Yorker spends 2.5+ hours per day scrolling (some of that time being at work, in the bathroom, or while their child is at an activity).

This means that there is no time for anything else. So why do we do it?

The Trick of the Mind with Scrolling

One thing to consider first, however, is that scrolling tricks the mind into thinking that it is a relaxing and enjoyable activity. We’ve talked about this in the past with digital overload. When we scroll, we feel as though we’re relaxing and doing an enjoyable activity. Scrolling creates a sense of engagement, sometimes laughter, and stimulation. It also makes our minds and bodies feel more relaxed.

But this is a trick. One of the reasons that we feel relaxed is because of the exact opposite issue: we’re overloaded. Our brains were not meant to process that much information at once, and so it starts to shut down, leading to this feeling of relaxation that is actually caused by being overwhelmed.

What happens when we’re doomscrolling, then, is that we can get lost in this feeling that we’re doing an activity for ourselves only to feel like we “never have any time for ourselves” because we are not relaxed. Scrolling sucks our time away, often without us even realizing it.

With that in mind, why would we want to doomscroll anyway? Why do we watch so many Facebook Reels? Why does reading thousands of posts about politics and the world, or watching countless short videos seem appealing?

• Gambling and Reward – Your brain treats scrolling very similarly to the way it treats gambling. At any moment while we scroll, we may see a post that we like – one that makes us laugh, is exciting, etc. We never know when that post is coming. So our brains are trained to keep scrolling to find the next post and get that next jolt of excitement.
• No Natural Stopping Cues – Scrolling is infinite. Reading a book, watching a movie – these have natural stop and start cues. But scrolling never ends, so our brain doesn’t really have a way to tell itself that it’s time to end it.
• Lost Sense of Time – Scrolling through hundreds, if not thousands of 10 second clips makes it harder for the brain to process the passage of time. The clips themselves seem very fast, making us feel as though not much time has passed, and yet we’ll look and it has been an hour or longer. With the brain overwhelmed by how much it’s processing, we forget that we’ve viewed that many videos as well since the vast majority are immemorable.
• It is Stimulating and “Relaxing” – We’ve not spoken at length about how the sense of relaxation you get from scrolling is a lie, but we do “feel” relaxed, while at the same time because scrolling is so stimulating, we do not typically get the sense of restlessness that makes us want to get up and do something else.  
• Fear of Missing Out – Because there is an unlimited amount of content we can see, we worry that if we don’t keep scrolling we’ll miss the piece of content that may provide us with our next dopamine hit.
• Sense of Control – For those scrolling politics and world events, scrolling gives the impression of having a very small amount of control over what is otherwise a chaotic world. When we can learn what’s going on, read people’s “takes,” feel informed, etc., it gives us a sense of having a bit more control over the outcome.

All of these mean that the moment we pick up our phone, we are at risk of not putting it down for a long period of time, and that time comes directly from the “free time” we would otherwise have without it.

Managing Time Wisely

Scrolling can be so tempting, and so many of us do it. Not only do we scroll, we share the information we find with others. Sending Facebook Reels to loved ones is even considered a love language for some couples, as it shows the desire to share mutual interests and humor.

And yet, there is an argument to be made that this is a mistake. We have very little time in the day for ourselves, and the time we spend scrolling and experiencing digital overload is time that we could spend engaging in hobbies, spending time with our partners, getting extra rest, and so on.

If you’re finding that you’re overwhelmed by life and not managing your time wisely, therapy can help. Reach out to Flourish Psychology today to learn more.

Why High Achievers Struggle in Relationships

by Micaha | Sep 22, 2026 | Stress

Please note: This is a guest piece by Katie Rose, LCSW, a Manhattan based psychotherapist with over a decade of experience treating individuals and couples in New York City.

I often have high-achieving, professionally successful couples come to me looking for homework, checklists, and skills they can practice in order to improve their relationship. They treat their relationship how they might treat a problem at work: a big issue with various smaller steps that can be triaged and attacked, strategized over, delegated, and systematically worked through until they achieve success.

This isn’t necessarily a bad strategy. Breaking down a big problem into smaller parts while building new skills is a great way to see improvement. But relationships are not problems or puzzles or negotiations that need a good head on your shoulders. Relationships are more like a living, breathing entity that needs nurturing, attention, and tender care. It needs a beating heart in your chest; it doesn’t care nearly as much about what’s in your head, despite the best efforts of many.

I also don’t buy the idea that two successful, high-achieving people could simply be poor communicators who need a few worksheets to improve things. I hear that all the time: “We just need help learning how to communicate better!”

Inevitably, when a couple starts with the issue of communication, I’m listening for how they hear one another, rather than simply how they speak to one another. Often, the problem isn’t that someone doesn’t know how to communicate. It’s that they don’t feel emotionally safe enough to communicate vulnerably.

And even more importantly, I’m listening for whether each partner can hear themselves. What are they actually needing from their partner underneath the frustration? What are they longing for that they may not yet have the words or courage to ask for?

In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we’re interested in those deeper emotional needs because they often get obscured by the argument happening on the surface. A partner may say, “You never help around here,” but underneath that might be, “I don’t feel like I can count on you, and I’m scared I’m alone in this.” Another may say, “You’re always on my case,” when underneath that is, “I’m afraid I can’t make you happy, and I’m scared that no matter what I do, I’m going to disappoint you.”

You can teach someone communication skills all day long. But if we don’t understand what is happening emotionally between two people, better communication can simply give a couple more sophisticated ways to have the same fight.

When Your Strengths Become Defenses

Achievement-oriented traits can be wonderful qualities in a relationship. Perfectionism can look like thoughtfulness and conscientiousness. Independence can mean being reliable and capable. High standards can reflect commitment. Problem-solving can make someone an incredibly supportive partner.

The problem is that these same qualities can become defenses when a relationship requires something different from us.

If you’re used to solving problems, it can be incredibly uncomfortable to sit with something that cannot be solved immediately. If you’re used to being independent, needing your partner can feel vulnerable. If you’re used to having high standards for yourself, it can be difficult to tolerate the messiness and imperfection that comes with being emotionally intimate with another person.

And relationships are messy. There are going to be moments when you misunderstand each other, disappoint each other, or need more than the other person can immediately give. This is not a problem, but an opportunity for reconnection.

For someone who has built an identity around being competent and having it together, those moments can feel threatening. Instead of saying, “I’m hurt and I need you,” they may move into problem-solving, criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal. Those responses make sense when you understand them as attempts to protect oneself. But they can also make it much harder for a partner to see the vulnerability underneath.

When someone who is used to being “the person who has it together” feels rejected or criticized by their partner, they may experience it as something much deeper: I’m failing. I’m not enough. I’m disappointing the person I love.

And when that happens, the instinct is to regain control through over-correcting. Sometimes the most productive thing a high-achieving person can do in their relationship is stop trying to be productive.

Stop Asking Who Is the Problem

I never want to see my couples orient themselves as two people with a problem between them. I want my couples to think of themselves as two people on the same team, tasked with solving a shared problem.

When couples come into therapy, they often arrive with a story about who is causing the problem. One person is too critical. The other is too distant. One doesn’t communicate. The other won’t listen. One spends too much time working. The other is too demanding.

But when we slow things down, we discover that neither person is simply “the problem.” Instead, they are caught in a cycle that has developed between them and reinforces this narrative.

One partner reaches for connection through criticism or pursuit. The other experiences that as pressure and pulls away. The withdrawal makes the first partner feel even more alone, so they pursue harder. The increased pursuit makes the second partner retreat further.

Pretty soon, both people are reacting to each other, neither feeling understood, and both becoming increasingly convinced that their partner is the reason they can’t get out of the cycle.

The content of the argument changes. The emotional cycle stays consistent.

That’s one of the reasons I find Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) so useful. We don’t need to address only the surface-level arguments; rather, we prioritize the pattern they get pulled into and understand what is happening underneath. Once a couple can see the cycle as something they are both caught in, rather than something one person is doing to the other, they have somewhere new to go.

You Can’t Optimize Intimacy

I wish high-achieving couples understood that being successful at work does not necessarily prepare you for the kind of vulnerability that intimacy requires.

You can be incredibly self-aware, emotionally intelligent, accomplished, and good at communicating professionally and still struggle in your relationship. Romantic relationships ask something different from us than our jobs and even friendships.

One piece of conventional relationship advice that high achievers can take too literally is the idea that if you simply communicate clearly enough, you can solve the problem. Sometimes clarity isn’t what is missing. The willingness to let yourself be known is how deep love grows.

A relationship isn’t a performance review because there is no scorecard. Your partner isn’t evaluating whether you’ve successfully completed every requirement of being a good partner. And you don’t have to earn love by performing perfectly. Your partner doesn’t always need you to solve their feelings. They may need you to stay with them in those feelings. To be curious and let yourself be affected by what they are experiencing.

There is a difference between being a great problem-solver and being emotionally available. A problem-solver wants to know: What is wrong, and what can I do to fix it?

An emotionally available partner can also ask: What is happening for you right now? What does this mean to you? Can I let myself understand this before I try to change it?

A successful, highly functional couple might be missing emotional intimacy even when everything else appears to be working. They may communicate about logistics beautifully. They may divide responsibilities, manage careers, raise children, plan vacations, and make decisions together. But remaining productive is not the same thing as connecting.

Couples don’t need another system, another check-in, another communication exercise, or another list of relationship goals. They need to slow down enough to find the people underneath all that competence and to let themselves find each other there imperfectly.