The Gottman Method has become one of the most well-known approaches to couples therapy. Many people seeking couples counseling look for it by name. Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman didn’t just theorize about what makes relationships work – they observed thousands of couples, tracked them over decades, and identified specific, measurable patterns that predicted whether a relationship would thrive or fail.
The research is compelling. Dr. Gottman’s studies claim to predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or divorce based on observing just a few minutes of their interaction. That’s not intuition or guesswork – it’s data-driven insight into the mechanics of successful partnerships.
But what exactly were the Gottmans looking for? What patterns did they find in couples who built lasting, satisfying relationships? And what behaviors consistently showed up in relationships that were heading toward dissolution?
At Flourish Psychology, the Gottman Method is one of the approaches we may use in our work with couples because it’s grounded in research and provides clear, actionable strategies for strengthening relationships. It is not the only approach, but it is one that – when it is a good fit – can help both partners recognize patterns in their relationship – both the strengths to build on and the vulnerabilities to address.
Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships began in the 1970s and has continued for decades. His most famous study involved bringing couples into what he called the “Love Lab” – an apartment-like setting where couples were observed while they discussed areas of conflict in their relationship.
The couples were monitored for physiological responses like heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones while they talked. Their conversations were recorded and analyzed in detail, with researchers coding every interaction for specific behaviors, facial expressions, tone of voice, and word choice.
Then, the researchers followed up with these couples over time – sometimes for years or even decades – to see whether their relationships thrived, deteriorated, or ended in divorce. By comparing the early observations with the long-term outcomes, Gottman was able to identify which patterns predicted relationship success and which predicted failure.
What emerged from this research wasn’t vague advice about “communicating better” or “being more romantic.” It was specific, observable behaviors that either strengthened the relationship’s foundation or eroded it over time.
“The Four Horsemen” That Predict Relationship Failure
One of the Gottmans’ most significant findings was the identification of what they called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – four communication patterns that, when present in a relationship, predict dissolution with remarkable accuracy.
Criticism – This is different from offering a complaint or expressing frustration about a specific behavior. Criticism attacks the person’s character rather than addressing the behavior. Instead of “I feel hurt when you don’t call to let me know you’ll be late,” criticism sounds like “You’re so inconsiderate – you never think about anyone but yourself.” Criticism makes the other person feel attacked, judged, and defensive rather than heard and understood.
Contempt – Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen and the single greatest predictor of divorce. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, or disgust. This includes eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, sneering, and hostile humor. Contempt communicates “I’m better than you” and creates a power imbalance that makes genuine connection impossible.
Defensiveness – When criticized or attacked, it’s natural to defend yourself. But defensiveness doesn’t actually protect you – it escalates the conflict. Defensiveness sounds like “It’s not my fault,” “You’re the one who,” or “I didn’t do anything wrong.” It blocks accountability, prevents problem-solving, and communicates that you’re not willing to take responsibility for your part in the issue.
Stonewalling – Stonewalling happens when one partner completely shuts down and withdraws from the interaction. They stop responding, make no eye contact, and essentially put up a wall. This often happens when someone is physiologically overwhelmed and can’t continue the conversation. But to the other partner, it feels like abandonment and rejection.
These four patterns don’t mean a relationship is doomed. But they are a big warning sign that something needs to be changed. When they become habitual – when they’re the default way a couple handles conflict – the relationship is in serious trouble. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step in changing them, and the Gottman Method provides specific tools for interrupting these destructive cycles.
What Successful Couples Do Differently
While the Four Horsemen predict relationship failure, Gottman’s research also identified what successful couples do consistently that keeps their relationships strong.
They Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
In successful relationships, partners make what Gottman calls “bids for connection” – small requests for attention, affection, or engagement. This might be as simple as “Look at that bird” or “Did you see this article?” or “I had a rough day.”
Successful couples “turn toward” these bids. They respond with interest, attention, and engagement. They look up from their phone. They ask follow-up questions. They acknowledge their partner’s attempt to connect.
Unsuccessful couples “turn away” – they ignore the bid, respond dismissively, or show no interest. Over time, these small moments of disconnection erode the relationship’s foundation and leave both partners feeling lonely and unimportant.
They Maintain a Positive Perspective
Successful couples maintain what Gottman calls a “positive perspective” on their relationship and their partner. They focus on what’s working rather than what’s wrong. They give their partner the benefit of the doubt. When there’s a problem, they see it as something to solve together rather than evidence that the relationship is failing.
This positive perspective acts as a buffer during difficult times. When conflict arises, couples with a strong foundation of positive feeling are better able to navigate it without the relationship feeling threatened.
They Practice Repair Attempts
All couples fight. The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples isn’t whether conflict happens – it’s what they do during and after conflict.
Successful couples make “repair attempts” – efforts to de-escalate tension, inject humor, or acknowledge when things are getting out of hand. This might be saying “This is getting too heated – can we take a break?” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded” or even just making a silly face to lighten the mood.
In healthy relationships, these repair attempts work. Both partners are willing to step back, de-escalate, and reset. In unhappy relationships, repair attempts are either not made at all, or they’re rejected when they are made.
They Maintain a Strong Friendship
One of Gottman’s most important findings is that successful couples aren’t just romantic partners – they’re friends. They know each other deeply. They’re interested in each other’s lives. They enjoy spending time together.
This friendship is built on what Gottman calls the “Sound Relationship House,” which includes building love maps (knowing the details of your partner’s inner world), sharing fondness and admiration, and turning toward each other in everyday moments.
Couples who maintain this friendship foundation can weather challenges that would break relationships without that connection.
The 5:1 Ratio – The Magic Number for Relationship Success
One of Gottman’s most famous findings is the “magic ratio” – successful couples have at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
This doesn’t mean that conflict should be avoided or that you can’t express frustration or disagreement. It means that the overall balance of your interactions needs to be weighted heavily toward the positive. Compliments, expressions of appreciation, affection, humor, support, and acts of kindness need to far outweigh criticism, complaints, and conflict.
In relationships that are heading toward dissolution, this ratio flips. Negative interactions outnumber positive ones, creating a climate of negativity that makes every interaction feel like a potential conflict.
They Manage Conflict Effectively
Gottman’s research found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual – they’re based on fundamental differences in personality, needs, or lifestyle preferences that aren’t going to change. Successful couples don’t solve these problems. They learn to manage them.
Managing perpetual conflict means accepting that your partner is different from you in some fundamental ways, finding ways to live with those differences without resentment, maintaining humor and affection even when discussing areas of ongoing disagreement, and preventing these issues from defining the relationship or overshadowing what’s working.
Unsuccessful couples get stuck trying to solve unsolvable problems. They fight the same fight over and over, each time hoping their partner will finally change. This creates frustration, resentment, and eventually contempt.
They Create Shared Meaning
Successful couples build a sense of shared purpose and meaning in their relationship. They have rituals, traditions, and routines that connect them. They share values and goals. They create a life together that feels meaningful and intentional.
This shared meaning gives the relationship a sense of purpose beyond just coexisting. It creates a “we” identity that helps both partners feel like they’re building something together rather than just managing parallel lives.
The Importance of Physiological Regulation
One of Gottman’s most interesting findings from the Love Lab was the role of physiological arousal in conflict. When heart rate goes above a certain threshold (around 100 beats per minute for most people), the body goes into fight-or-flight mode. At that point, productive conversation becomes impossible.
Successful couples recognize when they’re getting physiologically flooded and take breaks to calm down before continuing difficult conversations. They understand that trying to resolve conflict when both partners are in a heightened state doesn’t work – it just escalates the situation.
This is why Gottman-trained therapists teach couples to monitor their own arousal levels and to implement structured timeouts when necessary – not as a way to avoid conflict, but as a way to have more productive conversations when both partners are calm enough to actually hear each other.
How the Gottman Method Uses This Research in Therapy
The Gottman Method translates this research into practical interventions that couples can use to strengthen their relationship. In Gottman Method couples therapy, couples learn to recognize and interrupt the Four Horsemen when they show up, practice turning toward each other’s bids for connection, build friendship through structured exercises and conversations, improve conflict management skills, increase positive interactions to restore the 5:1 ratio, and create shared meaning and rituals that strengthen the relationship’s foundation.
Couples counseling using the Gottman Method isn’t about venting your feelings or blaming your partner. It’s about learning specific, research-based skills that strengthen the relationship’s foundation and improve your ability to navigate conflict together.
What This Means for Your Relationship
The power of Gottman’s research is that it takes the mystery out of relationship success. You don’t have to guess what makes relationships work – the data shows what successful couples do differently.
If you recognize the Four Horsemen showing up in your relationship, that’s important information. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean you need to actively work on changing those patterns before they become entrenched.
If you see that your positive-to-negative ratio is off, you can deliberately increase positive interactions. If you notice you’re turning away from your partner’s bids for connection, you can start turning toward them instead. If you realize you’re trying to solve perpetual problems rather than manage them, you can shift your approach.
The research also makes it clear that waiting until your relationship is in crisis to seek help isn’t ideal. The patterns that Gottman identified develop over time, and they’re easier to change when they’re just beginning than when they’ve been reinforced for years.
Getting Support for Your Relationship
Whether your relationship is struggling or you just want to strengthen what’s already working, couples therapy can help. The Gottman Method is one option that provides a roadmap for building a stronger partnership based on decades of research into what actually works.
At Flourish Psychology, our therapists are trained in the Gottman Method and can help you identify the patterns in your relationship, interrupt destructive cycles, and build the skills that successful couples use to navigate conflict and maintain connection.
Depression can have many symptoms and take many forms. But one of the more common symptoms may not feel like a mental health symptom at all. Depression affects sleep, often in complex, biological ways.
Some people with depression struggle to fall asleep or wake up multiple times during the night. But for others, the problem is the opposite — they sleep constantly. Twelve hours, fourteen hours, sometimes more. They wake up exhausted, go through the day in a fog, and collapse back into bed as soon as possible.
If you’re sleeping excessively and still feeling drained, it may be a symptom of depression. Depression can fundamentally change how your body regulates sleep, and while some parts of it are directly related to thoughts and feelings, others are related to the way that depression rewires and affects hormones in the brain.
How Depression Affects Sleep Regulation
Depression doesn’t just make you feel sad or hopeless. It disrupts the biological systems that control sleep, energy, and alertness.
Your brain relies on neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine to regulate mood, motivation, and wakefulness. Depression typically involves imbalances in these chemicals, which means the systems that keep you alert and energized during the day aren’t functioning properly. When these neurotransmitters are depleted or dysregulated, your brain struggles to maintain normal wakefulness, and sleep becomes the default state.
Depression also affects your circadian rhythm — the internal clock that tells your body when to sleep and when to wake up. When this rhythm is disrupted, you can feel tired all the time regardless of how much you sleep. Your body loses the ability to distinguish between rest time and active time, so exhaustion becomes constant.
The result is hypersomnia, which is the clinical term for excessive sleeping. People with hypersomnia sleep far more than the typical seven to nine hours but wake up feeling just as tired as when they went to bed. The sleep isn’t restorative because the underlying brain chemistry issues remain unresolved.
Depression and Fatigue
Depression causes profound physical and mental fatigue that goes beyond ordinary tiredness. Everything feels harder — getting out of bed, making decisions, holding conversations, even basic tasks like showering or eating. This overwhelming exhaustion makes sleep feel like the only relief available.
Part of this fatigue comes from the mental and emotional work depression creates. Your brain is constantly processing negative thoughts, managing feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, and fighting against the weight of despair. That takes enormous energy, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. By the end of the day — or even by mid-morning — your brain is depleted, and sleep becomes the easiest escape.
Depression also reduces motivation and interest in activities that would normally energize you. When nothing feels rewarding or enjoyable, there’s no reason to stay awake. Sleep becomes preferable to facing another day where everything feels pointless.
For some people, excessive sleep also functions as avoidance. When you’re asleep, you’re not dealing with the pain, the negative thoughts, or the overwhelming sense that nothing will get better. Sleep offers a temporary reprieve from the emotional burden of depression, which makes it incredibly appealing even when you’ve already slept for hours.
Why Some People Sleep More While Others Sleep Less
Not everyone with depression experiences hypersomnia. Some people develop insomnia instead, lying awake for hours unable to shut off their racing thoughts or falling asleep only to wake up repeatedly throughout the night.
The type of depression you have can influence which sleep pattern emerges. People with atypical depression — a subtype characterized by mood reactivity, increased appetite, and sensitivity to rejection — are more likely to experience hypersomnia. Those with melancholic depression, which involves a persistent inability to feel pleasure and early morning waking, tend toward insomnia instead.
Your brain chemistry, stress levels, and individual physiology also play a role. Some people’s bodies respond to depression by shutting down and conserving energy, leading to excessive sleep. Others experience heightened anxiety or rumination that keeps them awake despite their exhaustion.
Treatment Options for Depression-Related Hypersomnia
If depression is causing you to sleep excessively, treatment needs to address both the depression and the sleep disturbance.
Therapy — particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — helps identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that fuel depression and the behaviors that reinforce excessive sleep. CBT for insomnia can be adapted to address hypersomnia by focusing on sleep restriction, activity scheduling, and gradual reintroduction of structure and routine.
Light therapy can help reset your circadian rhythm, especially if you’re sleeping through daylight hours. Regular exposure to bright light in the morning signals your brain that it’s time to be awake and alert, which can gradually restore a more normal sleep-wake cycle.
Establishing a consistent sleep schedule — even when you don’t feel like it — helps retrain your body’s internal clock. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, limiting naps, and creating boundaries around sleep can gradually reduce hypersomnia.
Another option is exercise. Physical activity, though difficult when depression saps your energy, can improve both mood and sleep quality. Even short walks or gentle movement can help regulate your sleep cycle and boost the neurotransmitters that depression depletes.
Getting Help for Depression and Sleep Problems
If you’re sleeping excessively and feeling trapped in a cycle of exhaustion and depression, reaching out for professional support can help you break that pattern. Depression-related hypersomnia responds well to treatment, but it requires addressing the underlying depression rather than just trying to force yourself to sleep less.
Flourish Psychology’s therapists in Brooklyn specialize in treating depression and understand how sleep disturbances complicate recovery. We use evidence-based approaches like CBT and other modalities to help you regain control over your sleep, your energy, and your life.
You can reach Flourish Psychology at 917-737-9475 to schedule a consultation, or connect through the website to learn more about services and availability.
Do You Mentally Prepare for Conversations That Haven’t Happened?
You’re lying in bed at 11 PM, trying to fall asleep, when your brain decides it’s the perfect time to rehearse tomorrow’s conversation with your boss. You run through what you’ll say, how they’ll respond, what you’ll say back. You plan for every possible objection, every dismissive comment, every worst-case scenario.
Or maybe you’re in the shower, mentally replaying a text message you sent three hours ago, crafting better versions of what you should have said. You imagine the other person’s reaction, prepare your defense, plan your follow-up.
This mental rehearsal – this constant preparation for conversations, confrontations, and scenarios that may never happen – is one of the most common patterns therapists see in people struggling with anxiety, and while it feels productive, like you’re getting ready for something important, it’s actually keeping you stuck in a cycle of worry and stress.
What Is Mental Rehearsal?
Mental rehearsal is when you repeatedly imagine future conversations, events, or confrontations in your mind. You script out what you’ll say, anticipate how others will respond, and plan your reactions to their responses. Sometimes you’re rehearsing something that’s actually scheduled to happen. Other times, you’re preparing for conflicts or conversations that exist only in your imagination.
This pattern shows up in different ways for different people. Some people mentally rehearse difficult conversations with partners, preparing for fights that haven’t started. Others rehearse work presentations over and over, imagining every question that could be asked. Some people rehearse explanations or defenses for situations that haven’t even occurred yet.
The problem is that mental rehearsal rarely stops at one run-through. You rehearse the conversation, then you revise it. You think of a better response, so you run through it again. You imagine a new objection, so you prepare for that too. Before you know it, you’ve spent 30 minutes or an hour mentally preparing for a conversation that might take five minutes – or might not happen at all.
Why Your Brain Does This
Mental rehearsal isn’t random. Your brain has a reason for doing this, even if it’s not helping you.
It Feels Like Control — When you’re anxious about something, your brain looks for ways to manage that anxiety. Mental rehearsal creates the illusion of control. If you can anticipate every possible response, plan every counterargument, you feel more prepared. The problem is that real conversations don’t follow scripts, and the more you rehearse, the more anxious you become about deviating from your mental plan.
It’s Avoidance In Disguise — Mental rehearsal can be a way to avoid actually dealing with uncomfortable situations. As long as you’re “preparing,” you don’t have to take action. You can tell yourself you’re being productive when you’re actually procrastinating or avoiding the real issue.
Every time you mentally rehearse a difficult conversation, you’re reinforcing the idea that the conversation is something to fear. Your brain doesn’t distinguish between imagined threats and real ones, so rehearsing a confrontation triggers the same stress response as actually having it. The more you rehearse, the more anxious you become about the real thing.
When you’re constantly running through future scenarios in your mind, you’re not fully engaged in what’s happening right now. You miss conversations happening in front of you because you’re too busy preparing for ones that haven’t happened yet.
How CBT Addresses Mental Rehearsal
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers specific, practical tools to interrupt this pattern and help you respond differently when your brain wants to start rehearsing.
Identifying The Pattern — The first step in CBT is recognizing when you’re doing this. Many people rehearse conversations so automatically that they don’t even realize it’s happening. CBT helps you become aware of the pattern – noticing when your mind shifts from the present moment to mentally preparing for future scenarios.
Examining The Thoughts — Once you recognize the pattern, CBT helps you look at the thoughts driving it. What are you afraid will happen if you don’t rehearse? What do you think you’re accomplishing by going through the conversation in your mind? Often, you’ll find that the mental rehearsal is based on assumptions that aren’t accurate.
Challenging Cognitive Distortions — Mental rehearsal is often fueled by cognitive distortions – thinking errors that make situations seem worse than they are. Common distortions include catastrophizing (assuming the worst possible outcome), mind reading (assuming you know what the other person will say or think), and fortune telling (predicting negative outcomes with certainty). CBT helps you identify these distortions and challenge them with more balanced, realistic thoughts.
Testing Your Predictions — One of the most effective CBT techniques is behavioral experiments – testing whether your predictions actually come true. If you’re mentally rehearsing a conversation because you’re convinced it will go badly, CBT encourages you to have the conversation without all the preparation and see what actually happens. Often, you’ll find that your predictions were wrong, and the conversation went differently than you imagined.
Developing Tolerance For Uncertainty — Mental rehearsal is often driven by a need for certainty and control. CBT helps you build tolerance for not knowing exactly how a conversation will go, for being unprepared in the moment, for trusting yourself to respond appropriately without a script. This is uncomfortable at first, but it’s useful for breaking the rehearsal pattern.
These CBT techniques give you tools to interrupt the mental rehearsal loop and redirect your attention to the present moment. Over time, you learn to trust yourself in real conversations without needing to prepare for every possible outcome.
What This Looks Like in Practice
In CBT sessions, addressing mental rehearsal might look like this:
You come to therapy reporting that you spent two hours last night mentally preparing for a conversation with your partner about household responsibilities. Your therapist helps you identify the thoughts driving the rehearsal – maybe you’re afraid your partner will get defensive, or you’re worried you won’t be able to articulate your needs clearly.
Together, you examine whether those fears are based in reality or distorted thinking. Your therapist might ask whether past conversations have actually gone the way you predicted, or whether your partner has shown the ability to hear your concerns without becoming defensive.
Then you work on an alternative approach. Instead of rehearsing the conversation, you might practice grounding techniques to stay present. You might identify the core point you want to make and trust yourself to communicate it without a script. You might even intentionally have the conversation without any preparation and observe what happens.
This process doesn’t happen all at once. Breaking the mental rehearsal habit takes time and repeated practice. But with consistent work, you start to notice the pattern earlier, challenge it more effectively, and trust yourself more in real-time conversations.
When to Seek Support
Mental rehearsal becomes a problem when it’s taking up significant time, interfering with your sleep or daily activities, increasing your anxiety rather than reducing it, or preventing you from being present in your actual relationships and interactions.
If you find yourself spending hours mentally preparing for conversations, replaying interactions over and over in your mind, or feeling more anxious despite all your preparation, it might be time to work with a therapist who specializes in CBT.
At Flourish Psychology, our therapists use evidence-based CBT techniques to help clients break free from patterns like mental rehearsal and develop healthier ways of managing anxiety and uncertainty. If you’re ready to stop spending so much mental energy preparing for conversations that haven’t happened and start being more present in your actual life, we can help.
Call (917) 737-9475 or fill out our from to schedule an appointment with one of our NYC therapists who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Many of us struggle to be social. We struggle feeling positive. We struggle to be someone that we’re not. In many cases, we can end up putting up a mask that hides how we really feel, trying our best to show the world a person – a happy, friendly person – even if we don’t feel that way inside.
That can be a problem. It can be a problem for us to live and hide who we are. Still, that type of emotional masking tends to happen subconsciously due to external pressures. What if that positivity and social personality is something we’re doing *on purpose*?
Contrary to what you might think, “faking it” – at least when it’s a positive choice that we’re doing as an exercise in mental health – can have benefits:
People that fake positivity may start to see the world in a more positive way.
People that fake social confidence may start to develop social confidence.
People that fake higher self esteem may start to experience better self esteem.
What we often find is that, when used as an exercise, faking the way that we want to feel and the person that we want to be can create psychological changes that help us adapt to be that person.
How Behaviors Can Affect Emotion
One of the foundational insights in psychology is that behavior and emotion do not flow in only one direction. It is not just that a person feels happy and therefore smiles — it is also possible for the act of smiling to influence how that person feels.
Several psychological theories help explain this relationship. One framework often referenced is Self-Perception Theory, which proposes that people sometimes infer their own emotional state by observing their behavior and the context in which it occurs. In this model, behaving in a positive or socially engaged way can gradually shape a person’s internal experience to align more closely with those actions.
Other processes may also play a role. In some situations, the mismatch between how a person feels internally and how they are behaving externally may create a form of cognitive dissonance, which the mind resolves by adjusting the emotional state. In structured treatment settings, similar principles are used in behavioral activation, where individuals are encouraged to re-engage in meaningful or rewarding activities to interrupt cycles of withdrawal and low mood. In any event, what we find is that:
Acting a Certain Way Can Change How You Feel – When you engage in behaviors associated with a particular emotion (like smiling, speaking confidently, or engaging socially), your brain can start to align your internal state with that external behavior.
Movement Creates Momentum – Depression and anxiety often create inertia. You don’t feel like doing anything, so you don’t do anything, which makes you feel worse. Faking engagement – going through the motions even when you don’t feel like it – can break that cycle and create forward movement.
Social Interaction Reinforces Connection – Even if you’re forcing yourself to engage in conversation or act interested, the act of connecting with others can reduce isolation and provide genuine moments of connection, which improves mood over time.
This doesn’t mean that faking positivity magically cures depression or that performing social skills eliminates anxiety. But it does mean that the performance itself can be therapeutic, and potentially create real, lasting change into your feelings and behaviors.
When Intentional “Faking It” Can Be Helpful
There are specific contexts where deliberately practicing positivity or using learned social behaviors – even when they don’t feel natural in the moment – can serve as a valuable tool for mental health:
Breaking the Cycle of Depression
Depression creates a vicious cycle. You feel bad, so you withdraw from activities and people. That withdrawal reinforces the depression, which makes you feel worse, which makes you withdraw more. Waiting until you “feel like” engaging with life often means waiting indefinitely.
Intentionally faking engagement – showing up to an event even when you don’t want to, having a conversation even when you feel flat, acting interested in something even when nothing feels interesting – can interrupt that cycle. The behavior comes first, and the feeling sometimes follows. Not always, and not immediately, but often enough that the exercise is worth doing.
Creating Positivity in a Seemingly Negative World
If you follow the news these days, or you’ve experienced a lot of hardships, the idea that the world can be a positive and happy place may sound foreign – so much so that you may find yourself saying, feeling, thinking, and acting negatively in ways that are harmful for your mental health.
Pretending to be positive – indeed, acting as you envision a positive person would act – may have the potential to teach you to think and see things more positively. This can be a great way to break the cycle of negativity, and eventually experience much needed positive emotions.
Building Social Confidence Through Practice
Social anxiety and social awkwardness often stem from a lack of experience and practice. If you’ve spent years avoiding social situations, you haven’t had the opportunity to develop the skills that make social interaction easier.
Intentionally practicing social behaviors – making eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable, initiating small talk even when you’re not sure what to say, acting confident even when you’re nervous – builds competence over time. What starts as performance can gradually become more natural as you accumulate evidence that you can handle social situations and as the skills themselves become more automatic.
Developing Self-Esteem Through Action
Low self-esteem often comes with a belief that you’re not capable, not likable, or not worthy. Waiting until you believe in yourself to take action means you never take action, which reinforces the belief that you’re not capable.
Acting as if you have higher self-esteem – speaking up even when you doubt yourself, setting boundaries even when you’re afraid of rejection, trying new things even when you’re not sure you’ll succeed – creates experiences that challenge the negative beliefs. Over time, those experiences can shift how you see yourself, not because you convinced yourself to think differently, but because you proved through action that the negative beliefs weren’t accurate.
The Difference Between Helpful “Faking It” and Harmful Masking
It’s important to distinguish between intentionally practicing behaviors as a mental health exercise and compulsively hiding your true self out of fear or shame. Helpful faking it is intentional, goal oriented, and self-compassionate – where you recognize that the behavior may not feel authentic yet, and that’s okay. You’re giving yourself permission to practice without judgment.
Masking, on the other hand, is:
Compulsive and Fear-Driven – You feel like you have no choice but to hide how you really feel because showing your true self would lead to rejection, judgment, or harm.
Chronic and Exhausting – You’re performing constantly, in every context, with no space to let the mask drop. The performance is draining you.
Disconnecting – The masking is creating distance between you and your true self, making it harder to know what you actually feel or want.
Shame-Based – The performance is rooted in the belief that who you really are is unacceptable or broken, and that you must hide to be worthy of connection.
The key difference is agency. Are you choosing to practice behaviors that serve your growth, or are you trapped in a performance you can’t escape? If you feel like you have to fake it and hide yourself, that’s masking. If you’re performing it as an exercise to change how you think or feel, then it may be worth attempting.
You Can Choose Who You Want to Become
The idea that you have to wait until you feel a certain way to act a certain way is limiting. It traps you in patterns that reinforce the very feelings you want to change.
Intentionally practicing positivity, confidence, or social engagement – even when it feels like “faking it” – can be a powerful tool for growth. It’s not about being dishonest or hiding who you are. It’s about recognizing that behavior can shape emotion, that practice builds skills, and that you have more control over who you become than you might think.
If you’re ready to explore how behavioral practice can support your mental health, or if you need help navigating the balance between growth and authenticity, reach out to Flourish Psychology. Call (917) 737-9475 to schedule a consultation.
You don’t have to wait to feel better to start acting like the person you want to be. Sometimes, acting like that person is what helps you become them.
Here at Flourish Psychology, we work with a lot of individuals that find themselves in a position to travel often. Whether it’s for work or for pleasure, many of our patients live lives where travel is either:
Necessary for their work.
A luxury that they want to enjoy.
Yet many people experience “aerophobia,” more commonly called a “fear of flying.” For some people it is minor, affecting their desire to fly but not preventing them from doing so. For others, it is severe, making it almost impossible – if not completely impossible – to go onto a plane.
Flying is the safest mode of travel we have. Yet, many people experience fear that affects not only whether or not they can fly, but their ability to control their stress before, during, and after. Even mild anxiety can have a significant impact, because if you feel fear getting onto a plane, chances are you are not feeling ready for your vacation when you get off.
The fear is real, and it often develops gradually – shaped by past experiences, physical responses, and the mind’s interpretation of unfamiliar situations.
Therapy is one of the most effective ways to address this fear. A therapist helps you understand how the fear took hold, why it continues, and what steps can slowly reduce its impact on daily life. Treatment is not about forcing you onto a plane, but rather it is about building the internal tools that make the experience less overwhelming and more predictable.
If you need help to address a fear of flying, please reach out to Flourish Psychology, today.
Why Fear of Flying Develops
A fear of flying affects people in many different ways. Some individuals feel mild discomfort during takeoff or turbulence. Others experience significant distress days or weeks before a flight is scheduled. For a smaller group, the fear becomes so strong that they avoid air travel entirely, even when opportunities, obligations, or personal goals require it.
There is no wrong time to seek help. But that help starts with an understanding of the situation.
A fear of flying does not have a single cause. It often starts with a combination of personal history, stress sensitivity, and the way the brain processes sensations that feel out of your control. Even when someone intellectually understands that aviation is extremely safe, their body continues to respond as if danger is imminent.
Several factors contribute to this pattern:
Learned associations from anxious caregivers during childhood.
Early flights that included unexpected turbulence or loud mechanical sounds.
Exposure to news stories or media that exaggerate the frequency of aviation accidents.
Physical discomfort from tight spaces, pressure changes, or restricted movement.
Difficulty managing anxiety when normal coping outlets – fresh air, walking away, or changing environments – are unavailable.
Past panic attacks or distressing moments in unfamiliar environments that create lasting emotional memory.
Extensive fear of death and the idea of a loss of control over that death.
These experiences gradually shape how the brain interprets flying, turning normal sensations into cues for fear or alarm.
How Therapy Helps You Understand the Fear
A therapist begins by helping you map out the specific parts of flying that trigger anxiety. For some people, the fear arises from loss of control. For others, it is related to turbulence, takeoff sensations, altitude, confined spaces, or even the anticipation leading up to the trip. For many, it is a combination of several factors.
Therapists break down the experience into manageable components, making it easier to understand which elements are creating the strongest emotional response.
This process typically includes:
Exploring the history of the fear and identifying patterns.
Understanding how the nervous system responds during flights.
Differentiating between realistic concerns and anxiety-driven predictions.
Clarifying which sensations are misinterpreted as threats.
Gaining clarity is often the first step toward reducing the intensity of the fear, so that you know what to target and what to work with your therapist to address.
Psychoeducation: Learning How Planes and Flights Actually Work
Once you understand how it develops, you can then work on knowledge. We call this “Psychoeducation.” It is *extremely* effective as a part of the treatment process for plane related anxiety.
To do this, we talk about how a plane works, and then talk about your feelings as you think about these things. This may include discussions about:
How aircraft are engineered to withstand turbulence, lightning, and extreme conditions.
Why mechanical sounds change throughout the flight and what each sound typically represents.
How pilots train for unexpected scenarios and why common concerns (such as single-engine capability) are manageable.
Why turbulence feels alarming but is not structurally dangerous to the aircraft.
The technology on board to prevent crashes and danger.
When the unknown becomes familiar, the nervous system has fewer opportunities to react as if a threat is present.
Developing Practical Coping Strategies for the Flight Environment
A key part of therapy involves creating realistic strategies for managing anxiety in environments where escape is limited. Because you cannot step out of the situation once the plane is in the air, the goal is to build a toolkit of skills that you can rely on throughout each stage of the process.
These strategies may include:
Controlled breathing and grounding exercises designed for enclosed spaces.
Techniques to redirect attention using sensory cues, sound, or structured tasks.
Planning predictable activities for each phase of the flight, such as listening to familiar audio during takeoff or using visual focus points during turbulence.
Identifying early signs of rising anxiety and practicing interventions to prevent escalation.
Therapists also help you prepare for the broader process – packing, traveling to the airport, and waiting at the gate – because anticipatory anxiety often begins well before boarding.
Gradual Exposure and Rebuilding Tolerance
Fear of flying functions much like a phobia. Avoidance strengthens it, and slow, supported exposure helps weaken it. Therapists design exposure plans that match your comfort level and focus on manageable steps rather than forcing sudden change.
Exposure may involve:
Imagining the physical sensations of the flight until the associated anxiety decreases.
Watching aviation videos or listening to recordings of common flight sounds.
Practicing small exposures near airports or inside grounded aircraft when possible.
Taking short flights once earlier steps feel tolerable.
The goal is not to eliminate fear immediately. It is to give your nervous system repeated experiences that contradict the belief that flying is dangerous. Over time, your mind begins to react more accurately, with reduced alarm.
Addressing General Anxiety That Influences Flight-Related Fear
Many individuals with a fear of flying also experience broader patterns of anxiety, even if mild. Worries about health, control, or unfamiliar environments may appear in other areas of life and become amplified during flights. Part of therapy involves strengthening overall stress-management skills so that anxiety remains more stable regardless of the situation.
Improvements in baseline anxiety – better sleep, regulated breathing, healthier stress responses – often lead to significant improvements in flight tolerance.
Why Working With a Therapist Matters
A therapist provides structure, accountability, and evidence-based tools. They help you understand the fear from multiple angles – physiological, cognitive, and emotional – so that you are not battling it alone or relying on willpower during the flight.
A therapist also helps you:
Break down fears that feel vague or overwhelming.
Practice coping skills in a controlled, supportive environment.
Reinterpret sensations that previously triggered panic.
Build confidence through repetition and realistic preparation.
Develop a plan tailored to your needs, your history, and your anxiety patterns.
Most importantly, therapy offers a space where you can talk openly about fears that may feel embarrassing or irrational. The process creates a foundation for long-term improvement rather than short-term reassurance.
Taking the First Step Toward More Comfortable Travel
A fear of flying does not have to prevent you from traveling, visiting family, or experiencing new places. With structured therapeutic support, gradual exposure, and tools designed to regulate your nervous system, the experience of flying can shift from overwhelming to manageable.
Progress takes time, but it is achievable. Working with a therapist gives you a clear path toward reducing distress, rebuilding confidence, and preparing for flights in a way that feels grounded rather than reactive. If you are ready to begin addressing your fear, reaching out for support is a meaningful first step. Contact Flourish Psychology today to get started.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
Manage Consent
By clicking “Accept”, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
