On average, a 40 year old adult sleeps about 6.5 to 7 hours a day. That is average. A large percentage of the population sleeps even less than that.
You need 7 to 9 hours of sleep per day for optimum health – not just physical health, but mental health too – and yet we’re getting so much less than that. Most of the time, even though we don’t always feel this way, this is a problem of our own making.
Why do we get so little sleep?
What does our mental health have to do with it?
Why do we need to make sure we get more and what can we do to get there?
Let’s talk about it.
Why Do We Get So Little Sleep?
It often feels like we’re so busy, we don’t have time to sleep. There’s a little bit of truth to that, but most of us absolutely have the ability to go to bed earlier and try to get more rest. The problem is often not that we can’t get enough sleep, but rather we simply don’t. We stay awake as long as possible, and then wake up early the next day before 7 to 9 hours has passed.
We do this for a variety of reasons, many of which are mental health related:
Revenge Bedtime Procrastination – We experience so much activity during the day, often in ways that don’t feel like “ours” that we take reclaim our time by staying awake as long as possible. Ironically, we often spend this time doing activities that do not satisfy this procrastination (like scrolling our phones instead of doing productive hobbies). In any event, we fight the urge to go to sleep in favor of trying to stay up as late as we can so we feel like we had more time in the day.
Excessive Stimulation – Though not directly a mental health issue, far more of us are spending time on our phones and on screens, and this can be a serious problem. Scrolling phones causes issues like digital overload, which make us feel like we’re resting but in reality are overprocessing our brains. Why we spend so much time on our phones can be examined from a mental health perspective, from doomscrolling habits to phone addiction.
Stress/Anxiety – Stress and anxiety both release hormones and neurotransmitters that both make it harder to fall asleep and make it harder to get a deep sleep. These issues can also be cyclical, as a lack of sleep is known to cause more stress and anxiety. Some anxiety disorders, like panic attacks, can make it especially hard to fall asleep.
Depression – Depression itself causes significant sleep disruption as one of its symptoms. When a person has depression, their neurotransmitters are out of balance, leading to challenging sleep/wake cycles and even worse sleep quality.
We often assume that missing sleep will make us more tired later, but that is often not the case. When we don’t sleep, we tend to experience more stress and anxiety (keeping us awake). We also have more irritability, which lowers tolerance for stress, and we often self medicate with caffeine which can keep us awake even more.
In all of these situations, we do have the ability to go to sleep, but we are either choosing not to for mental health reasons, or our mental health is making it too difficult for us to fall asleep when we need to.
You Need More Sleep
Entire books have been written about why we need more than 7 hours of sleep a night, and this does not need to be completely rehashed here, but sleep is required to improve our physical health (prevent diabetes, improve immune system function, and even reduce obesity), as well as our cognitive function and long term brain health (sleep clears waste products from the brain, reducing risk of dementia, and improves attention and memory consolidation).
But you also need sleep for your mental health. You need sleep to problem solve, reduce stress, and even prevent the development of worsening anxiety and depression. As much as it may feel like staying up is preferable, human beings desperately require sleep in ways that are absolutely necessary for short and long term mental health and wellness.
Since poor sleep can also lead to issues that lead to further poor sleep, breaking this cycle intentionally is especially important.
What Can Be Done?
One way that you can address a lack of sleep is, of course, by going to sleep. Having a consistent schedule where you go to bed at roughly the same time, even on weekends, no matter how much time you had to yourself during the day can help to create a rhythm where you become tired at the same time and fall asleep more easily.
You can also limit caffeine and, perhaps crucially, limit screen time considerably – especially after dark.
But in the absence of those things (or if you struggle to do those things on your own), consider seeing a therapist. You’ll find that many of the issues that stand in your way are mental health related, and benefit from talking to someone that can help guide you towards a more rested, happier future.
Society’s attitudes towards mental health have changed considerably from where they were even a few decades ago. Seeking therapy, especially in places like New York City, is considered normal and encouraged.
Still, many people have trouble asking for help. Not just with mental health, but with anything. They don’t like asking their friends to help them move. They have trouble asking their family for advice or emotional support. They feel uncomfortable asking coworkers to take on parts of their projects.
They believe that they NEED to handle things on their own. It’s a part of their upbringing, almost like an identity.
It’s hard to seek help from a therapist when you have this mindset. Yet, it’s important to also take a moment to show you seeking a therapist is NOT asking for help. At least not the way you’re thinking about it.
In fact, seeing a therapist is exactly the behavior that you expect from someone that is handling things on their own.
Let’s talk about what we mean.
Are You Asking for Help When You See a Doctor?
Imagine your leg got a cut with a painful infection. What would you do?
You would call the doctor. Obviously.
Is that “asking for help?” No. It’s actually handling things on your own. You had a problem, a doctor can solve it, so you called the doctor. You didn’t need help from anyone to do that. Calling a doctor was the way to handle it on your own.
What would happen if your car broke down?
You would call a mechanic, or a towing company. You would not be “asking others to help” you do that. You would be the one “handling it” by calling the towing company and getting your car repaired.
You get the idea here.
So what happens when you have trouble with your mental health?
You’re not “asking for help” by reaching out to a therapist. You are doing the logical step – GETTING help from the person that is most qualified to provide that help. You’re then paying that person to do their job by helping you improve your mental health.
All of this IS handling things yourself, because you are the one, all on your own, seeking the solution to your challenges.
The Psychological Effects Behind Asking for Help
In addition, depending on what you feel you are struggling with, the difficulty asking for help may be a symptom – or even a cause – of the condition.
For example, there are those that struggle with what’s known as “functional anxiety.” This is a term that refers to individuals that tend to overachieve. Anxiety almost becomes fuel that pushes them to accept more projects, work harder, work extra, and be perfectionists in everything they do. These individuals struggle with asking for help because their anxiety pushes them to accept everything that comes their way.
There are also those that take on too much because they feel it’s their responsibility to care for others. These individuals tend to have considerable problems “asking for help” because they were raised to be the caregivers of the family, or the person responsible for keeping things together. This can cause a person to feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and anxious. In this case, the person’s tendency to feel responsible for others is a possible cause of their anxiety, and thus something that needs to be addressed.
Find a Therapist for Your Mental Health
As you can see, the challenges people have asking for help can cause (or be caused by) a person’s mental health, and – if you think deeply about it – contacting a therapist is doing things on your own anyway. It is not a sign of weakness, it is not leaning on others, it is not inconveniencing anyone. It is seeking a problem (“I need help”) and solving it.
See what therapy can do for you. If you’re in New York, reach out to Flourish Psychology and let’s begin the process of getting you the support that your mental health needs.
It is important, for the health of a relationship, to see your relationship as a “we” rather than a “me.” We have to understand and recognize that, even though this is two individuals, the success of the relationship requires viewing it as its own single entity.
Indeed, there is even an argument to be made that changing your language from “me” and “you” to “we” and “us” can have substantial benefits.
Still, we also know that this IS two different people. Each person has their own history. They have their own likes and dislikes. They have their own personality and, frequently, they have their own traumas.
It is not uncommon within the context of couples counseling to notice that something is standing in the way of progress. Often, that “something” is a person’s individual mental health. For example, if one person has trauma in their past that causes high or specific emotions to be triggered, it may be difficult to create change within the relationship.
EMDR and Therapy to Support Couples Counseling
Let’s talk about trauma, specifically. When a person experiences a traumatic event, studies have shown that the memory of the event fragments into different areas of the brain, and is thus incapable of being processed and moved towards the long term storage centers of our memory. It’s why many people feel emotions (and even memories) of still experiencing the event as if it was still going on, or “like it was yesterday.”
Couples counseling can help to health challenges between a couple, but it is not going to process traumatic memories. For that, you may need something like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
EMDR is a highly effective approach to dealing with trauma. Your therapist – one that specializes in EMDR – safely and comfortably walks you through the event while performing eye movements and rhythmic motions to help you process the event and move it to long term storage.
EMDR is a separate service. But when one – or both – individuals in couples counseling are struggling with unresolved trauma, EMDR offers a solution that can solve that part of the challenge so that you both can focus on the rest of couples therapy.
Trauma – and, by extension, EMDR – is not the only issue or solution either. Many relationships are affected by other mental health issues as well, such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Work Stress
Attachment
We are more likely to have trouble in a relationship if we’re affected by these issues, especially if they’re untreated. Thus, providing someone with individual therapy – EMDR or otherwise – can be a very helpful part of trying to address a couple’s issues.
Relationships Are Where Two Become One – But Are Still Two
Interestingly, a part of couples counseling is to try to help both partners realize that they are, in many ways, a single entity. We have them change their language from “Me” and “I” to “We” and “Us” because couples are more likely to be successful when they recognize that they are a team, and a single thing in many ways.
Still, these are still two people, and two people are going to have their own needs. So, while couples counseling can be used to address the needs of the couple, sometimes you have to look at yourself as an individual to determine what you need to help you move forward.
How Our Interpretation of Language Can Be a Relationship Tipping Point
We are couples counselors in New York City, and part of our role here at Flourish Psychology is to help couples better understand how the way they communicate affects their relationship. One concept that we may point out is “sentiment override.” It is a process where our partner’s speech is put through a filter designed to turn it into something positive or negative.
To understand this, imagine your partner asks you one of the following common questions:
Did you remember to take the trash out?
Did you make dinner?
Did you do your work today?
Did you do the dishes?
Picture your partner asking you one of these questions and then think about your response.
Do you feel like it’s a common, helpful reminder? Do you feel like your partner is just wondering if you completed this task?
Or do you feel like, if your partner asked you this question, it’s because they don’t believe in you. That they’re asking you because they don’t trust you and think you forgot. Or they’re asking you to nag you and bother you until you do what they say.
In these situations, a simple question is leading to two completely different reactions. In one, it is a harmless reminder or even a question that they’re asking just to know. In the other, that exact same question is being interpreted as an insult, jab, or to start conflict.
This is the “Sentiment Override.” It’s a cognitive filter that we add to our relationships that determines whether or not an ambiguous or harmless sentence from our partner is being interpreted positively or negatively (Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override). It also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Luckily, it is something that is possible to change.
More About Sentiment Override
The concept of Sentiment Override was developed by John Gottman, one of the most well known experts in the field of relationships and couples counseling. Gottman’s theory is that many couples have this pervasive “cognitive bias” that they use to interpret their partner’s words, actions, or even neutral behavior.
It’s like seeing the entire relationship through one lens, and everything that occurs is filtered through that lens.
It’s not limited to language either. One partner may be on their phone, and the other may interpret that as being upset at them. Or they may not text back right away and they interpret that as wanting to be alone or away from their partner.
Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) – The relationship’s “emotional bank account” (the goodwill and trust we have for our partner) is in good standing. You give your partner the benefit of the doubt. A neutral or slightly negative behavior is interpreted within a context of overall good intentions.
Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) – The relationship’s emotional bank account is overdrawn. You assume the worst. Even a positive or neutral behavior is interpreted through a filter of suspicion and negativity.
Keep in mind that we’re not saying that your reaction is necessarily wrong. Some partners are trying to start conflict when they ask a question like that. Maybe they do not trust that you took the trash out and are asking it with the intention of calling attention to your failures. That does happen, and within the couples counseling process, we make it a goal to address that.
Still, it’s easy to envision why it is emotionally unhealthy for us to interpret questions, statements, actions, or behaviors negatively. In fact, even in situations where a partner does have negative intentions with some of their questions, typically not all of their questions and statements are negative. But if we have this negative sentiment override filter, all of them will be interpreted in this way.
Why Does Negative Sentiment Override Matter?
NSO is not one small issue of many. Research has shown that it can actually be a fairly significant predictor of divorce. That is because it is can create issues between couples that are related to further challenges:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Within the neuroscience world, couples that are showing signs of NSO tend to have higher levels of stress hormones and increased heart rate compared to couple sin PSO. Their bodies are literally preparing to fight. That makes it much harder to listen, empathize, and problem solve.
So, if we are showing signs of NSO, then we need to find ways to increase PSO. The more positive interactions we have and the more we experience a sense of good will from our partners, the more connected we will feel and the less stress we will experience. This stops a cycle of negativity and helps the relationship heal and grow.
Repairing NSO Individually and Through Couples Counseling
Most relationship problems are cyclical, and NSO is no different. There is a reason that this is often addressed in couples counseling, because it can be hard to break the cycle when you’re both so committed to how you feel.
The first step is to recognize that it is a problem with BOTH partners. It is not one person’s fault. It is a relational dynamic – something that you have created together through your interactions.
The next step is to rebuild that emotional bank account – to build trust and good will towards each other so that you have more positive experiences to look back on and access.
Our therapists and couples counselors use their own approaches based on your needs to address this, but part of the process that Gottman recommends is spending more time per week (they call this the “Magic 5 Hours”) building positive connection through affection, getting to know new things about each other, learning to express appreciation, and prioritizing weekly fun dates.
When we create more positive experiences and interactions, we then change this cycle of negative filtering, and can build most trust in our partner’s intentions.
Help for Your Relationship with Flourish Psychology
Relationships are more likely to struggle with there are recurring negative patterns. Breaking that cycle is important for developing better habits and rebuilding the relationship’s trust and, ultimately, it’s Positive Sentiment Override.
“Aww, they grow up so fast.” That’s a phase that many have heard before while talking about kids of any age.
It’s also true.
At least, while it can’t be quantified, most parents will say that it feels their “baby” stage went by in the blink of an eye, and that they grow into teenagers a few blinks more than that.
This isn’t just a thing people say because they want their kids to stay young, either. It’s an actual feeling that many people have as they look at their growing children and realize their youth is over/ending.
But why does that happen?
How can a time period “go by” too fast?
Short Time Between Leaps
One reason that it feels like this time period goes quickly is because some parts of it actually do. “Newborn” is only one month, after which they start growing real baby features. Smiling and attention comes a few weeks later. Then there’s laughing, sitting, standing, making sounds like words, then finally crawling, walking, and talking.
For most children, all this growth happens in about 1 year.
That is a lot of growth and change to condense into such a short period of time. This time “goes by so fast” literally. Even after ~1 year old, they go from:
Sounds to full on conversations.
Barely walking to running full sprint.
Wearing diapers to, eventually, using toilets.
Going to school, making friends, learning math, and eventually becoming little adults.
Within a few more years they go from being amazed at the sounds a water bottle makes to going into the fridge and asking if they can have milk.
They start school at about 5 years old and can hit puberty and be almost as tall as their moms by 9 to 10.
They grow up very, very fast, and are changing rapidly during that time.
The Realities of Parenting
Another reason this time period “goes by so fast” is because of the realities of what parenting is really like.
Most of us are not just sitting around, playing with our children all day and creating a host of memories. We are:
Barely sleeping.
Navigating the new stresses of parenting.
Trying to manage a relationship.
On our phones.
Working.
Our children are also napping often, which means that they’re asleep through large chunks of the day. So, not only is it a short period of time, but we’re not present with them during that time, and often we’re also very tired and distracted.
Even the anxiety brought on by parenting can cause issues like memory loss and distraction, often making it feel like time goes by quicker.
The Growth is Gradual and Quick Simultaneously
A baby/child’s face changes dramatically from birth to being a teen. But it does so in small, gradual ways that we only notice by looking back at old pictures or trying to remember what their face looked like.
It’s sort of like boiling a frog. If they immediately jumped from baby face to teen face, you would be rightfully shocked and notice the change in a way that made their baby face more memorable. But instead, their face changes little by little day by day, in ways that are often imperceptible at first glance. That means that every time you’re looking at your child’s face, it looks roughly the same in your mind than it did before.
Yet, suddenly, you’ll think or look back on how your child used to look and realize how much they’ve changed. Because of that it will feel like it all happened in the blink of an eye, despite it really happening over time.
It is not just their appearance that changes either. Their knowledge, their confidence, and more. Children learn to read like this – they know a few letters, then a few sounded out words, and suddenly they’re reading words you did not know they can read. It can feel like it’s happening slowly because it’s happening over time, but suddenly you’ll realize how much has changed in such a short time and how you didn’t get a chance to truly think about and process it in the moment.
How Can Therapy Help?
Therapy may not be able to slow down time or prevent your child from growing up. But it can help with some of the things that make it difficult to truly remember and appreciate this time in a child’s life. For example:
Helping You Cope with the Stresses of Parenting – Some nervousness with kids is normal, but anxiety and stress do not have to be inevitable. We can work together to try to help you cope with the stresses of parenting so that you can focus on the best parts of it.
Couples Therapy – Couples counseling is not limited to couples that are struggling. Sometimes, it’s to help make sure that you’re working together as a team, something that comes up a lot when you have babies. Couples therapy can help reduce conflicts, which in turn makes it easier for you to focus on parenthood.
Mindfulness – Too much of life these days is spent on external things like phone, TV, work politics, etc. Sometimes, we need someone to help us learn to be more present in the moment so that we can really enjoy and take in all the things that our children are bringing to us, and we can be the best parents we can be.
Sleep Support – If you have issues like anxiety that you’re already struggling with, those make it even harder to sleep at a time when sleep is already hard to get. Mental health treatments in a general sense can help make sure you’re getting enough sleep so your memories are sharp and so time doesn’t feel like it’s moving as quickly. Sleep deprivation specifically affects how we experience the passage of time.
Therapists can help if you have postpartum depression. Therapists can help if you have conflicts with your child as they are getting older that is making it harder to bond. Therapists can help you manage your own aging, so that you can enjoy your own life more (which simultaneously helps life slow down for you).
Therapists can also help you with your own traumas and challenges, so that your child does not *have* to grow up too fast from a maturity standpoint, providing you more time with a kid that is able to be a kid.
A Therapist So You Get the Most From Your Child’s Development
Your child is still going to grow up, and it’s still going to be too fast. But how fast it feels and how many memories we make during that time period are affected by your mental health and your relationship.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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