Sometimes, when a relationship is struggling, we can feel uncomfortable around our partner. We can feel like at any moment, we’re going to do something that is going to cause some type of conflict, and that there is almost nothing we can do to avoid it.
This is the origin of a popular phase in relationships, “walking on eggshells.” It is about feeling like you’re always on high alert not to start a fight, and that no matter what you try you’re going to break something that will cause you to argue or upset each other.
This is often one of the main signs that a relationship is struggling and may benefit from couples counseling and other interventions. Today, let’s talk about what “walking on eggshells” really means, how it affects people psychologically, and what we can do about it.
The Psychological Roots of “Walking on Eggshells”
When we use the phrase “walking on eggshells” we are referring to a feeling – a feeling that you are on the verge of another conflict of some kind. So, when a person feels that way, they have a fear of conflict. They are:
Trying to avoid anger, criticism, or emotional outbursts from a partner.
They reacting to past negative reactions (for example, frequent occurrences of something small starting a much larger argument).
They are afraid of rejection, abandonment, or someone’s power over their emotional and mental health.
Walking on eggshells is, in many ways, a form of anxiety. It is a sign that you’re feeling nervous about something occurring. It is also something that puts a person on edge to such a degree that, depending on the relationship dynamics, you may also end up putting your partner on edge as you wait for them to get upset at you (though this all depends on the types of conflicts you are having).
When someone is “walking on eggshells,” they are overanalyzing their words and actions to avoid upsetting a partner, they are suppressing their emotions or opinions to prevent conflict, and they feel tense and drained even when no conflict occurs.
Why This is a Psychological as Well as Relationship Problem
It is not difficult to envision how and why this is an issue within a relationship. When at least one partner is walking on eggshells, if not both, that means that there are more conflicts and that there is a wedge that is affecting trust within the couple.
But let’s talk about its direct effect on you. If you are the one walking on eggshells:
You’re experiencing chronic stress and anxiety.
You’re experiencing something that can be defined as a “trauma response.”
You’re experiencing a loss of power within a relationship.
You’re losing your sense of self and identity, possibly unable to share your real self.
You’re building up resentment that could spill out for a long time.
You’re typically censoring yourself and your feelings.
Chronic stress is its own significant problem. The longer a person lives with stress, the more they are at risk for anxiety and depression. It also can make a relationship feel naturally harmful in ways that continue to damage a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
Walking on eggshells can also be a sign of abuse, if this is a one-sided dynamic where one partner tries to appease another while showing fear about what the other partner will do. It can also be a mutual issue. Constant, ongoing conflict over small things can create the feeling in both partners. This is especially common when communication has broken down and neither partner is listening to each other.
Every relationship is different, so what “walking on eggshells” means may vary depending on the relationship dynamic. But in any scenario, it is something that causes significant problems within a relationship.
Breaking the Cycle Through Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy
Walking on eggshells, as a feeling and behavior, is unsustainable. The longer a person feels that way, the more it becomes constant and ongoing stress and resentment.
Yet one issue standing in the way of stopping it is that it is indicative of a lack of safe communication. If both partners felt free to easily talk to each other, then it would be unlikely that they would feel like they’re walking on eggshells. The very feeling like someone is walking on eggshells means that communication has broken down and one of the best ways to fix that is to create a safe space to begin conversations again.
Couples counseling, specifically, creates a safe and unbiased space to chat. Then, should conflict arise, the therapist can help ease the situation while also helping both partners say how they feel and understand each other better.
In addition, psychotherapy can be a very useful tool for understanding your own emotions and trauma. Those that are in – or are leaving – abuse relationships find that it can help them re-discover themselves and gain the strength they need to move forward. Those that are not in abusive relationships but just anxious in their own can get support for their overall mental health, including their stress and anxiety, to better feel comfortable in their day to day lives.
Working with a therapist can be immensely beneficial on both an individual and a relationship level, and creates the safe space that you need to move forward. Reach out today to get started.
It’s hard to explain fandom. It’s more than liking something. We can watch a movie, maybe even love a movie, but there is a difference in many ways between finding a movie interesting and being a “fan” of it. Being a fan traditionally means that we feel very strongly about the product in question. We can “like” chocolate. But to be a fan of it, we have to live chocolate, advocate for it, make it a part of our lives.
We have to become one with the chocolate.
We may not see this so much with snacks, but we do see this with pop culture. We see devoted fans of Star Trek, Star Wars, Harry Potter. We see passionate fans of BTS, Backstreet Boys, and Blackpink. We know that there are – or were – grown adults that were heavily invested in the teenage relationships of fictional characters in Twilight.
This is fandom.
Fandom is something psychological. So let’s talk about it from a psychological perspective. What even is fandom psychologically, and how does it work?
All About Fandom
When we talk about fandom from a psychological perspective, we’re really talking about how the human brain builds connections – not just to people we know in real life, but to ideas, stories, music, fictional characters, and even entire worlds that don’t physically exist.
Fandom feels powerful because it uses the same biological and neurological systems that evolved to help us bond with other humans and find meaning in social experiences.
At the core of fandom is the brain’s reward circuitry, particularly involving a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is released when we experience pleasure, excitement, or anticipation. When we listen to a song we love, watch a long-awaited movie, or even think about a favorite character, dopamine surges in the brain.
Over time, these repeated bursts of dopamine create a strong emotional imprint, making the object of our fandom feel personally important to us.
Next: Emotional Memory
So now we know that fandom results from a chemical in the brain that makes us feel good. But that’s not what makes fandom really take hold. For that, we’re looking at emotional memory.
When an experience creates a strong feeling in the brain, it is stored in a way that is more vivid and “real” than neutral memories. Think about how people become incredibly invested in sports teams, for example. Typically, you’re invested in a sports team because you grew up in that general market and made real, meaningful memories there.
Even if you move away, you remain a fan of that initial sports team because that’s the one that has the more vivid memories. Even if you start to forget some of those specific memories over time, the logo, the cheers, the players, and more will all provide you with those feelings. That enhances your connection further.
Culture and Parasocial Connections
At this point, we can identify that some things create very strong feelings of joy. But still, that doesn’t entirely explain fandom on its own, especially because there are many things that we enjoy that do not have a fandom.
Another component of fandom comes from the sense of community and belonging.
Fandom itself has a culture, and culture creates a sense of community. Human beings are wired to seek a feeling of belonging. The shared culture/community of fandom, such as through band support, a story universe, and the way that certain types of products have permeated through culture gives one a sense of feeling like they belong and a way to enjoy the beliefs, traditions, and more that one experiences around it.
Fandom also creates a type of parasocial connection – a connection to people that we do not know, but we still feel strongly towards. Sometimes, this is the object of our fandom, like a sports team, single, or character in a movie. Other times, it’s the people around us that are also fans. We may feel closer to people that hold the same beliefs as us.
Either way, these are the same neural pathways that activate when we have close personal friends. Thus, our fandom makes us feel like we have people in our lives that we are deeply connected to – people that give us joy, even without a two way relationship.
Sense of Identity
Lastly, once embraced, fandom becomes a part of our identity. We tend to see ourselves through our fandom. This can have its benefits and weaknesses, but in a general sense, it continues to give us a sense of self that we can carry with us in other ways.
The Positive Side of Fandom
There can be a toxicity to fandom, which we’ll address in a moment, but fandom can also be very fulfilling and valuable in our lives. Fandom can:
Provide us with an *actual* community. While we spoke earlier about how fandom gives us a sense of being part of a community, shared fandom can create actual community, as people can bond over their similar feelings and beliefs and find comfort in seeing fandom in others.
Create positive feelings. When life does feel challenging, fandom can create positive feelings that people may otherwise struggle to find. Musical fandom, for example, can be uplifting and a great release when other things in a person’s life feel like a challenge.
Provide “social support.” Social support refers to feeling like there’s others that are there for you if you need them, whether or not they are actually there. At times, we can feel alone and without social support. Fandom can then help provide some level of social support to get us through these more challenging times.
Loving something enough to be a fan of it can be a very fulfilling experience. For example, fans of anime that dress up in cosplay costumes find incredible joy from looking like their favorite characters and attending events with others that are engaging in these behaviors as well. That’s something that can provide positive feelings for years.
Of course, fandom does have its downsides as well. Fandom can become escapism, where a person tries to live in the fantasy world at the expense of their responsibilities and lives in the real world. The parasocial relationships in fandom can also become too strong – a person can feel like character they’re a fan of loves them back, which in turn can create an emotional overinvestment.
Fandom can also potentially lead to emotional challenges like depression. For example, if a person’s fandom is a TV show, and the show is canceled, that can create a sadness and emptiness that may persist in other ways.
Finally, fandom can lead to gatekeeping and behavior and social conflicts. Because fandom can be an identity, some people find that they’re very vocal or defensive about this identity and how it relates to others.
Fandom and Mental Health
Fandom, in a sense, is neither good nor bad. It can have its benefits for people, and its weaknesses. It depends on how someone experiences that fandom and it affects their relationship with the world around them.
But one thing that is clear about fandom is that it is more than just liking something. There are very reasonable psychological reasons that people become “diehard fans,” and it’s important for everyone to recognize these reasons and understand why people experience them.
If you or someone you love is struggling with mental health issues, or fandom has taken too strong a role in a person’s life, reach out to Flourish Psychology, today.
Many of us have a deep desire to be in a long lasting, loving relationship. We imagine ourselves finding “the one” and envision our life changing for the better – a family, maybe kids, and the chance to grow old with a partner that will be with you each and every day.
Life doesn’t always work out that way.
Many people find themselves unable to find this relationship. They find themselves getting older, and feel like they are on a timeline to meet someone soon. They may feel pressure to find a mate fast so that they can have kids while it is still biologically possible, or they may see their friends getting married and wonder why they’re not in the same place.
There is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship. But, it may also be important to embrace single life, and to do so in a way where you *could* be single for the rest of your life even if you don’t *want* to be.
It Starts with Loving Yourself
When we give ourselves an arbitrary timeline to meet a mate and get married, we can easily run into one of many situations that can hurt our mental health and happiness. For example:
We can feel desperate to make a relationship work, even one that is toxic to our mental health.
We can lose self-esteem and self-confidence, or even develop depression and anxiety over not reaching these timelines.
We can lose ourselves, finding that time has passed and we haven’t accomplished other, personal goals as well.
If you give yourself an arbitrary timeline to meet and marry a partner, you can run into situations where you’ve lost a large chunk of your life seeking relationships, instead of engaging in other activities that would give your life more meaning. You can find that you’re focused on feeling sad or empty, ignoring the other many joys of the world around you.
Psychologically Coming to Terms with a Life of Singlehood
If you desire a relationship, then you shouldn’t give up on relationships. If you want a family, want kids, and want to find a partner you truly love, there is nothing wrong with that being one of your goals.
But it should also only be *one* of your goals. You should also learn to love yourself enough that you can learn to live single and still have a happy, fulfilling life. You should learn to find and engage in activities that provide you with positive, happy experiences, so that you can continue to enjoy life each and every day in the absence of a relationship. You can focus on finding a partner that you truly love, and not focus as much on pressure to get married because you feel like you need to be married by a specific age.
We only live one life. We deserve to enjoy it as much as possible. Getting married and starting a family is one way to enjoy it, but so is bowling, hiking, travel, learning a skill, spending time with friends, and so much more. We can desire and seek relationships, but we should also learn to enjoy the single life and live in such a way that, even in a situation where you remain single, you still embrace every day and the joys it can bring.
If you are struggling with being single, or you’re finding that you’re not where you want to be in your relationships, please reach out to Flourish Psychology today, and let’s talk about how we can make your life richer and more fulfilling while also addressing your relationship-related needs.
Within the mental health world, especially when we’re talking about eating disorders and body image issues, there is a lot of discussion about the effects of plastic surgery – not just plastic surgery itself, but also the way that society views plastic surgery and the effect that it has on the population as a whole.
Recently, a reporter from the Huffington Post reached out to Flourish Psychology to ask about this very topic. Dr. Sadi Fox, founder of Flourish Psychology, is one of the leading nationwide experts in Disordered Eating, was asked about her thoughts regarding plastic surgery.
As the term “AI” takes off, and more and more people choose to use these chatbots and related tools, it is becoming clear that unrestricted use of these tools is a problem.
We’re not just talking about ethics, plagiarism, or the economic impact. Chatbots, specifically, are proving time and time again to be problematic, especially for those struggling with severe mental health challenges. AI runs the risk of introducing problems or exacerbating existing conditions, and the interactions that someone has with it can cause significant harm.
About AI – What it Is
First, for clarity, “AI” does not yet exist. That is a marketing term. Current AI is actually an algorithm that uses a highly advanced predictive text to determine what the most likely word will be given their dataset. It is not capable of thought, reasoning, and certainly not emotions. Any sign of personality from within the program is coding designed to present information in a specific way.
This is important to understand because many people, even those without mental health conditions, feel like and think like they’re talking to computer “person” that is responding to their thoughts. The algorithm is designed to sound like a human being, but it is essentially just a 100x more advanced version of the predictive text on a person’s phone. It is not thinking and has no consciousness of any kind.
How AI Can Trigger Psychological Challenges
With that in mind, modern versions of AI Chatbots:
Sound like people, which makes it feel like you’re talking to a person.
Write with authority, so it makes it appear they “know” what they’re talking about.
Are marketed as if they’re artificial intelligence, rather than just a dataset algorithm.
Has no concept of right or wrong and cannot understand the user’s intent.
Can be intentionally/unintentionally programmed to respond in different ways.
Now, imagine a scenario where someone both doesn’t understand what AI is, and then also struggles with their mental health. It’s easy to see how this computer algorithm on the other end may cause issues that lead to further mental health challenges. For example:
Paranoia/Loss of Reality – Those that are struggling with issues related to paranoia or delusions may equate what chatbots say as either reality or hiding reality. Because these bots can be essentially told to answer questions in mysterious ways based on user prompts, it’s possible for individuals to misinterpret AI interactions as signs of a higher power, AI tracking, government interference, and more.
Depression – Most well known Chatbots are programmed to be careful around depression and suicide related topics, but this programming is tenuous. There are many examples of people sharing information with the chatbot with responses that are not sensitive to the person’s mental health. As these chatbots are unable to think, they are not always capable of determining whether the language output they provide could be interpreted as encouraging self-harm.
Personality Disorder Challenges – Chat algorithms do not always elicit consistent responses. As a result, someone that has abandonment issues (for example, a person with borderline personality disorder) may find that they expect their chat to react a certain way. If it does not, they can interpret that as rejection or abandonment.
It’s also possible for people’s usage of these AI Chatbots to be used to fuel their own mental health challenges further. For example, a person with health anxiety may search these chatbots for diagnoses and get incorrect answers. Or someone with body dysmorphia may seek out validation of their eating habits.
Guardrails to Manage Mental Health and AI
AI’s affect on society runs far deeper than chatbots. It can be used for Deepfakes. It can fuel eating disorders by creating impossible standards of beauty. It can be manipulative. There are also the economic and ethical reasons to be cautious around AI. Plus, the term itself “AI” is misleading enough to warrant concern.
But one other thing we are seeing that we need to monitor even more is the way that “AI” is affecting people that are going through mental health crises. As therapists, we may even have to be aware of clients using programs like ChatGPT in order to make sure that we can be proactive in monitoring for the effects on Chatbots on our patients, and encourage them to be more aware of the way they feel when using these services.
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