Dogs read people. They always have. Thousands of years of domestication have produced an animal whose survival has depended on understanding human emotional states — picking up on shifts in tone, body language, heart rate, breathing, and the dozens of other signals that humans broadcast continuously without realizing it.
Dog owners who love their dogs know this intuitively. They’ve seen the dog come close when they’re sad, get unsettled when an argument is happening, or react differently on a walk when their owner is anxious than when they’re calm. What most people don’t fully consider is what that attunement means for the dog’s behavior — and for the owner’s mental health.
How Dogs Experience Their Owner’s Emotional State
A dog’s sense of security is built around its owner. The owner provides food, safety, structure, and the emotional orientation that tells the dog how to interpret the world. When a person walks into a room relaxed and confident, the dog reads that signal and calibrates accordingly. When a person walks into a room tense, hypervigilant, or emotionally dysregulated, the dog reads that too — and often responds to it.
The mechanism isn’t complicated. Dogs don’t have access to the cognitive narratives humans use to process their experience — the explanations, the rationalizations, the ability to think their way through what they’re feeling. What they have is an exquisitely sensitive read on the emotional environment around them, communicated through every physical and behavioral signal the person in front of them is producing.
This is why a dog’s behavior is often a more accurate reflection of its owner’s emotional state than anything the owner might say about how they’re doing. The dog doesn’t have access to the performance of composure. It only has access to what’s actually happening.
What Anxiety, Depression, and Stress Look Like Through a Dog’s Eyes
The specific ways that an owner’s mental health affects their dog’s behavior depend on what the owner is experiencing and how the dog interprets it. Several patterns show up consistently:
Anxiety in an owner signals to the dog that the environment contains threat. A dog who senses that its owner is anxious around other dogs or other people may begin to treat those things as threatening — reacting with barking, pulling, lunging, or avoidance that has more to do with the owner’s nervous system than with the dog’s own experience of the situation.
Depression affects energy, engagement, and the quality of daily interaction. Dogs pick up on the flatness — the reduced walks, the less animated interaction, the absence of the emotional engagement that usually structures their day. A dog whose owner is significantly depressed may become lethargic, less responsive, or anxious in its own right as the emotional signal it’s reading changes.
Chronic stress affects the physical signals an owner sends — tension in the body, changes in heart rate, a quality of distraction that the dog registers as absence even when the owner is physically present. A stressed owner who comes home from work carrying the residue of a difficult day brings that into every interaction with the dog, often without intending to.
Trauma responses — hypervigilance, emotional reactivity, freeze states — communicate something specific to a dog that is constantly reading its owner for information about safety. A dog living with an owner whose nervous system is frequently in fight-or-flight is receiving a continuous signal that something in the environment requires alertness.
Each of these represents the dog doing exactly what dogs are built to do — reading its owner and responding to what it finds. The behavior that results isn’t the dog being difficult. It’s the dog being a dog.
“Our dogs need their owners to help them understand the world,” says Marc of Chicago Dog Trainer. “The more you take care of yourself, the more you’ll be able to take better care of your pet as well.”
The Regulation Connection
What dogs need from their owners, in behavioral terms, is co-regulation — the experience of being with a calm, grounded, emotionally stable presence that tells them the environment is safe and that their owner is in control of whatever needs to be managed. This is what good training builds toward. It’s also what mental health treatment supports.
A person who is managing significant anxiety has a nervous system that is running in a sustained state of activation — alert, scanning, reactive to signals that wouldn’t register the same way in a more settled state. That nervous system state is communicated to the dog continuously, regardless of what the person is doing or saying. The dog responds to the state, not the intention.
When therapy reduces the chronic activation — when anxiety treatment changes how the nervous system responds to perceived threat, when depression treatment restores engagement and energy, when trauma work reduces the hypervigilance that keeps a person in a persistent state of readiness — the signal the dog is reading changes. The owner is calmer. The dog, reading a calmer owner, becomes calmer too. The behavior that was a downstream effect of the owner’s emotional state often shifts without any direct intervention aimed at the dog.
The Owner’s Mental Health Is Part of the Training Environment
Dog trainers who work at a high level understand that training a dog means working with the owner as much as the dog. The dog is not operating in isolation — it’s operating within a relational environment, and the primary relationship in that environment is with its owner. Addressing behavior without addressing that environment produces limited results.
This is a principle that applies equally to human relationships. Couples therapy recognizes that a relationship’s difficulties can’t be addressed by working with only one partner in isolation. Family therapy recognizes that a child’s behavior exists within a family system that shapes it. The same logic applies to the owner-dog relationship — the dog’s behavior exists within an emotional environment that is largely determined by the owner’s mental health.
For dog owners who have tried training approaches that produced good results in certain contexts but didn’t hold up in others, the emotional environment is worth examining. A dog who performs well with a trainer and inconsistently with the owner at home is often telling you something about the difference between those two environments. The trainer’s calm, clear, regulated presence produces one result. The owner’s anxiety, stress, or emotional inconsistency produces another.
Why This Is a Reason to Seek Support
There are many reasons to address mental health, and most of them are personal — the quality of your own experience, your relationships, your capacity to be present in your own life. Sometimes those reasons feel abstract or insufficient to move someone to take action.
The connection to a dog’s wellbeing and behavior is more concrete for many people. A person who has delayed seeking therapy for anxiety because the reasons felt too internal or too uncertain may find more immediate motivation in the recognition that their dog is experiencing the anxiety alongside them — that the animal who depends on them most is reading their nervous system every day and calibrating its own sense of safety accordingly.
The dog wants its owner well. It wants the calm, grounded presence that tells it the world is safe. Therapy can help provide that — not just for the dog, but for the person whose life and relationships extend far beyond the end of the leash.
Flourish Psychology works with adults in Brooklyn and throughout New York City on anxiety, depression, trauma, and the full range of mental health concerns that affect daily life and every relationship in it. Call 917-737-9475 or reach out through the contact page to schedule a session.
Uncertainty can often be the enemy of comfort, and while there are many things in life that are uncertain, it is often helpful to have more clarity on some of the things that we do have control over.
That is one of the reasons that the holiday season can be a useful time for families to come together and address various forms of uncertainty. The conversations that you have today can go a long way towards reducing conflict, preventing anxiety, and improving outcomes in the future.
What Are Some Tough Holiday Conversations Worth Having?
First, a caveat. There are certainly many family relationships where communication and trust are a struggle. There are those that find the holiday season to be immensely stressful, because seeing family brings back these memories, stresses, and challenges that have been experienced in years past. In these situations, healthy boundaries are important, and there is no requirement to talk about heavy or important things that fall outside of your comfort zone.
But for those that are open to having important conversations with their families, these important holiday conversations can help you not only during the holidays, but long, long after. Examples include:
Long Term Plans – If you have aging family members, or you are aging yourself, knowing and talking about your long term plans and strategies is often forgotten and yet *extremely important.* Proactively talking about medical issues, long term care, funeral needs, and more can be extraordinarily helpful in avoiding stress and anxiety when needs arise.
Healing and Growth Together – If you and your family have had issues in the past or have felt disconnected or apart, talking about that now, over the holidays, when there are many opportunities to sit and have these important conversations can be a great way to start the healing and growth process. That’s something that can provide social support that will make your upcoming year much more emotionally manageable.
Providing Honest Life Updates – Sometimes, it’s the things that are “unsaid” that are so difficult to manage. In situations where there is emotional, social, even financial news that might be something your family wants to or needs to hear, telling them can reduce that psychological burden of keeping that secret.
Some people even find “loving” conversations to be difficult. Many families do not say “I love you” enough, avoiding compliments and words of affirmation. But hearing and saying those words can have a very powerful impact on our mental health in the future, especially if unexpected difficulties arise.
Moving Forward Together
There is no requirement to be close to one’s family. Individuals with a history of trauma in their family, for example, should not feel like they “need” to have these types of conversations. If you have had difficulties with your family in the past, please consider reaching out to Flourish Psychology, today.
But for families that *can* have these tough conversations, consider prioritizing them. The longer you wait, the more likely an issue arises that is difficult for you to manage emotionally. If you know your family’s long term care needs, for example, then you can prepare for them as they arrive and know that you’re more ready for the road ahead. For those that are prioritizing their mental health, conversations with family over the holidays can be a part of what is needed to make sure that they have less stress in the future.
Health anxiety, also known as illness anxiety disorder or hypochondria, is anxiety that is specifically about one’s health. Someone with health anxiety may find they struggle with moderate to severe anxiety that something is or will be wrong with their health. For example:
They may worry that they have an undiagnosed cancer.
They may worry that a mild illness is really a more serious illness.
They may worry that that a “normal” sensation is a sign of a larger problem.
People with panic attacks often struggle with this type of thinking. They may have chest pain caused by their panic attacks, but worry that their chest pain (and panic attacks!) are actually caused by a heart issue – either one that hasn’t been diagnosed or one that is likely to cause them a major medical event.
Many, many people struggle with illness anxiety disorder. Some people put the exact percentage at anywhere from 5% to 15%, and even that may be an undercount if we include people that have more mild health anxiety issues.
We can – and will! – continue to talk about health anxiety at length, but one interesting thing to think about is the way that health anxiety may have changed since the COVID-19 pandemic first started.
Currently, there is no science about this, so this is solely a thought exercise.
Health anxiety covers any anxiety over one’s health. It doesn’t if the person fears the idea of illness or fears they already have one – all of these can be found under the umbrella of Health Anxiety.
Health anxiety also likely increased in frequency given the availability of information online on websites like WebMD. People were taking symptoms they were experiencing, such as knee pain, and self-diagnosing a more serious condition rather than the simpler, less dangerous explanation. Many doctors have reported that patients come in asking about rare conditions only to find out that either nothing is wrong, or that they have a much more mild and more common issue instead.
Since the pandemic, many people worry that more mild, more common colds and flus could actually be COVID-19, which overall is a much more dangerous condition. It’s difficult to truly fault this fear since COVID-19 has similar symptoms in its mild form and is common, but it can cause anxiety nonetheless.
However, one thing that does appear to be an interesting change since COVID-19 is the fear of catching illness from others. Typically, those that were afraid of “Contamination” were more likely to be struggling from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and their fear of contamination was considered irrational.
Now, there are many people that live in fear of catching COVID to a degree where they fear coughing, fear the sounds of sniffling, and fear any news that someone at an event they went to found out they were sick.
In some ways, this fear can be considered justifiable given the dangers of catching COVID-19. But still, living in fear of others spreading disease to us is certainly a different presentation of health anxiety. It’s also one that is partially rational, which can make it harder to overcome.
If you struggle with health anxiety, no matter how it manifests, reach out to Flourish Psychology, today. We are here to talk to you about your illness anxiety challenges, and determine the best way to reduce your fears.
We live immensely busy lives. Not only are we busy with work, kids, and more, but even our relaxation activities tend to be more stressful now than before. There is a lot less quiet reading of books, for example, and our endless distractions (phone, TV, etc.) mean that we’re always feeling behind and always have more to do.
So what happens?
There’s a term called “Revenge Bedtime Procrastination” that encompasses what happens to many people that are struggling with this. The term “revenge” in this context reflects the subconscious motivation to take back control of one’s schedule. This phenomenon, commonly associated with people who have demanding schedules or lack control over their daytime hours, is increasingly recognized as a form of self-compensation for missed leisure time.
Revenge bedtime procrastination is where individuals “steal” time late at night for activities like watching TV, scrolling through social media, or reading, *despite* understanding the consequences of reduced sleep. Instead of going to bed as they should, they stay up very late at night and then still have to wake up the next morning, leading to extreme tiredness and the challenges they entail.
Why Does Revenge Bedtime Procrastination Happen?
Revenge bedtime procrastination occurs for a variety of reasons. Several psychological and lifestyle factors contribute to revenge bedtime procrastination. Common causes include:
Lack of Daytime Autonomy – People with busy schedules, demanding jobs, or caretaking responsibilities may have limited time for personal relaxation. Late-night hours become a way to reclaim freedom and control over personal time.
Desire for Leisure and Escape – Many use this time to engage in enjoyable activities as a counterbalance to a day filled with responsibilities. This form of escapism often feels necessary for mental well-being.
Poor Sleep Habits – Some individuals struggle with establishing consistent sleep routines. Without a structured bedtime, it becomes easier to drift into nighttime activities that delay sleep.
Stress and Anxiety – The emotional toll of high-stress days can make winding down challenging, leading people to delay bedtime rather than face the pressures of the next day.
Relaxation Habits Not Working – Lastly, it should be noted that the activities we engage in to experience this “revenge bedtime procrastination” also do not really work that well, which means that the time you’re spending taking your time back isn’t necessarily time well spent. This means that you might be staying up later because you weren’t relaxing in the time you have.
All of these are some of the many possible reasons that people may struggle with revenge bedtime procrastination. Other people may have more personal reasons as well.
Effects of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
Part of us feels like this is self-care. We feel like taking this time back is helpful for us to feel like we’re doing something for ourselves. But while it may feel that way at times, it tends to have problematic effects, including:
Sleep Deprivation – Chronic sleep deprivation leads to reduced cognitive performance, impaired memory, mood swings, and a heightened risk for mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
Physical Health Consequences – Lack of sleep is linked to a higher risk of chronic conditions, including obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and immune system dysfunction.
Reduced Daytime Productivity – Ironically, staying up late to gain personal time can lead to fatigue that impairs productivity and enjoyment the following day, potentially creating a cycle of stress and continued bedtime procrastination.
This can also be quite cyclical. When you are stressed, you feel like you need more time to relax. When you are not as productive, you stay busier. When you’re overtired, you more trouble sleeping, and when you can’t sleep, you may do activities that keep you up even later.
How to Manage Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
For those experiencing revenge bedtime procrastination, developing strategies to improve sleep habits and regain balance is essential. Helpful approaches include:
Setting a Consistent Bedtime Routine – Sticking to a regular bedtime and wake time, even on weekends, can establish a natural sleep rhythm and reduce the urge to delay sleep.
Scheduling Personal Time During the Day – Allocating time for breaks or brief leisure activities throughout the day can help individuals feel less deprived of personal time at night.
Using Calming Pre-Sleep Activities – Engaging in relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or light reading can help the mind and body wind down for bed.
Limiting Screen Time – Reducing exposure to screens before bed can prevent overstimulation and make it easier to feel sleepy.
It’s also important to remember that the act of sleeping can help someone feel so much more rested and comfortable that they are able to get more personal time and self-care time in during the day. Trying it for an extended period of time can thus be immensely beneficial.
Finding Balance Between Personal Time and Rest
While revenge bedtime procrastination stems from a natural desire for autonomy and relaxation, prioritizing adequate rest is essential for mental and physical health. By finding ways to incorporate self-care and relaxation into daily routines, individuals can reduce the tendency to delay sleep and achieve a healthier balance.
If you’re interested in learning more about revenge bed time procrastination, contact Flourish Psychology, today.
Rejection is difficult. We know from experience applying for jobs or asking someone on a date that it can hurt to get rejected. Many people find rejection as painful, if not more painful, then insults and name calling. We tend to take rejection very personally, even in situations where it is not necessarily meant to be a personal attack.
Some people, however, experience rejection in an even more painful and more intense way. This is sometimes referred to as “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria,” where an individual’s response to rejection is so personal, painful, and pronounced, it becomes overwhelming and potentially long lasting – affecting their mental health and behaviors in the future.
What Makes Rejection a “Dysphoria?”
“Dysphoria” refers to a “state of dissatisfaction and unease with life.” Most of us hate being rejected, but we can overcome it. We can find a way to push through, or not let it define who we are.
But some people take this a step further – rejection of any kind, even minor, becomes a triggering event, something that is so intense it can alter behavior and create overwhelming feelings of shame and emotional distress.
This is “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.” It is more common with those that have ADHD, but can affect others as well. Symptoms may include:
Sensitivity to Criticism – People with RSD may have an extreme sensitivity to criticism, whether it is direct, implied, or perceived. Even well-meaning feedback can feel devastating, leading to a prolonged emotional response.
Fear/Phobia of Rejection – Individuals with RSD may develop a deep-seated fear of rejection in social, professional, or personal settings. This fear can cause them to avoid situations where they might be judged or rejected.
Emotional Outbursts as a Response to Rejection – Rejection or criticism can trigger intense emotional reactions, ranging from tearful outbursts to sudden withdrawal or emotional numbness. These reactions often occur quickly and without warning.
Low Self-Esteem – Because of the intense focus on perceived criticism or rejection, individuals with RSD may struggle with low self-esteem or a negative self-image. They may be highly critical of themselves and overly dependent on external validation.
Trouble in Relationships, Personal and Professional – RSD can make maintaining personal and professional relationships challenging. People with RSD might overreact to comments or behaviors that seem critical, leading to conflicts or withdrawal from relationships.
Individuals with RSD may avoid opportunities that could expose them to criticism, which can limit personal growth or career advancement. In addition, the intense emotional pain associated with RSD can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and social isolation if left unmanaged.
Despite its challenges, it’s possible to manage RSD and reduce its impact over time with appropriate strategies and support. By addressing the emotional intensity and underlying fears associated with rejection, individuals with RSD can work towards healthier relationships and improved mental well-being.
If you need help with rejection, whether you suspect you have RSD or not, please contact Flourish Psychology, today.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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