Estrangement describes a situation when someone makes deliberate efforts to distance themselves from or cut ties with a family member. Sometimes, people choose to be estranged from their entire family of origin, and other times, the estrangement is limited to a certain person or group of persons. If you are currently estranged from family members (or considering it), you’re not alone. Research suggests that over a quarter of adults experience estrangement, whether initiated by them or by other family members. That’s over 70 million Americans.
This is not the same as losing touch with family. Estrangement is a voluntary and deliberate decision. Sometimes, a sudden major event may trigger a decision to cut ties. More often, it is a process of gradually distancing yourself more and more over time as the relationship becomes increasingly strained. Many report that “the last straw” often happened after years of back and forth, or following several attempts at salvaging the relationship.
With the holiday season in full swing (and with the world opening back up), many people are looking forward to spending time with family, creating memories, and continuing traditions. But for those with difficult or strained familial relationships, this time of year can be extremely triggering and a great source of anxiety and pain. Depending on the circumstances of the estrangement, the holidays can bring about feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, or sadness. Estrangement is an incredibly difficult and complicated life experience. Be sure to practice self-care all year long and especially during triggering holidays or events.
Common Causes of Estrangement
Estrangement is an intentional and voluntary decision There are countless factors that may lead someone to decide to cut ties with family members. For some people who were mistreated by family members in childhood, there is an immediate decision to cut ties upon reaching adulthood or a state of independence. Parental maltreatment is one of the most common reasons for estrangement. This can include physical, emotional, financial, or sexual abuse, or a failure to respect boundaries. In other instances, people may slowly come to a realization that their parent or family member is detrimental to their wellbeing and decide to distance themselves. It’s also common to come to a realization that the family member will never be able to meet your needs or to fulfill the role that you need them to play in your life.
Many members of the LGBTQ community have cut ties with their families of origin in favor of chosen families. Others have been estranged due to disownment by homophobic or transphobic relatives. People may choose to cut ties due to a difference in value systems, or a family member’s refusal to accept aspects of a person’s identity or their lifestyle choices. Regardless of the factors influencing your decision to reduce contact with family members, your feelings are valid and it’s incredibly brave of you to make such a difficult decision for your wellbeing.
Impact of Estrangement on Mental Health
Estrangement is often a painful and difficult experience that can affect your mental health in many ways. You may feel a lot of anxiety surrounding your decision and this anxiety may be triggered by certain events, such as holidays. You may feel guilty or regretful about your decision, which can cause chronic stress over time. Many people carry the heavy emotional weight that comes with estrangement without realizing the impact it may be having on them.
Estrangement activates the grief response in many people, even if they were the ones to sever ties. Though you may believe that you made the right decision, you may still be mourning the loss of the relationship. This loss can be just as psychologically devastating as losing a romantic partner or experiencing the death of a loved one. For those on the receiving end of estrangement, there may be strong feelings of guilt, rejection, and loneliness.
Coping with Family Estrangement During the Holidays
If you’re dealing with this issue, the holiday season can be an especially difficult or traumatizing time. This time of year can bring back emotions that may previously have been dormant, or bring up feelings of loneliness and isolation. It’s especially important to practice self-care and self-compassion if you’re feeling triggered. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel your feelings. You are entitled to your anger and sadness. If you’re feeling regret, guilt, or loneliness, remind yourself that these are normal and expected emotions to have at a time like this. Try not to judge yourself (such as saying “I should be over this by now” or “It’s so pathetic that I’m crying about this) or to avoid your emotions. Feel them. Sit with them. Remember that they won’t stick around forever. Now is a good time to try journaling about what you’re feeling, or verbalizing your feelings aloud to yourself. If it helps, you can even try writing (but not sending) a letter to your estranged family member. By not bottling up your emotions, you’re better able to manage them and even learn from them.
Ahead of time, identify healthy and reliable coping mechanisms that you can use when you’re feeling triggered. Examples include going for a quick walk to clear your head or calling a trusted friend to talk. Make a playlist of songs that will provide comfort or improve your mood. Taking a shower is a relaxing distraction for many people during times of intense emotions. You can also try engaging in a creative hobby such as coloring, doodling to creating digital art. Other healthy coping mechanisms include taking care of tasks such as cleaning or gardening. Consider purposeful, relaxing, or entertaining activities that you can engage in during difficult moments.
How can you seek out connection and companionship this holiday season? Can you create new memories with friends, partners, or your chosen family? When your familial relationships are strained, it’s important to develop fulfilling and meaningful relationships outside of your family. Many members of the queer community have embraced a chosen family, as seen in media like Paris is Burning and Pose. Non-LGBTQ people may also develop chosen families due to difficult relationships with members of their families of origin. Consider the people in your life who can provide you with support and solidarity.
Estrangement can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to deal with on your own. Working with a therapist is an empowering and effective way to process the difficult emotions that arise due to estrangement. If there is a desire for reconciliation, a relationship therapist can be an invaluable third party helping to bridge the gap. If there is no desire for reconciliation, working alone with a therapist can help you to find the closure you seek.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are qualified and trained in a variety of treatment modalities that can help you process this difficult situation. Schedule your first session to begin your journey towards healing.
Core beliefs are the fundamental and foundational ideas that you hold about yourself, others and the world around you. They can best be described as the filter through which you see and interpret the information that you receive from others and from the outside world. These beliefs are deeply embedded and have a significant impact on your daily thought processes and decision making. They are always in the back of your mind and manifest in many different ways throughout our lives. These beliefs have a tremendous impact on everything from self-esteem to relationships and even your finances. They help to shape your perception of reality and are often the driving force behind your automatic or intrusive thoughts.
Here’s an example. Your boss sends an email requesting an urgent meeting tomorrow morning. The email comes out of the blue and you aren’t sure what it may be about. If your automatic thought is that you’re going to be fired, you may have a core belief that you are not good at your job or a belief that good things are always taken away from you. Someone with different core beliefs may have a more neutral attitude towards the meeting. Another person may believe that the meeting is signaling a promotion or salary increase.
Most of our core beliefs are inherited from our families of origin. As children, the adults around us show and tell us (both directly and indirectly) the things that we should believe and accept as true. We emulate our caregivers and deeply internalize the things that we are told and shown. As we age, these beliefs become even more entrenched and we may even subconsciously seek out situations and experiences that corroborate our beliefs. In this way, the beliefs are reinforced as our experiences seem to confirm their validity.
The good news is that you have the power to alter your core beliefs and the way you see yourself and the world around you.
How Core Beliefs Shape Our Worldview
Your worldview is a system of beliefs about reality and society. Like your core beliefs, your worldview is initially formed in childhood through your interactions with the adults around you. As you age and go through life, your experiences continue to shape your worldview. This system of beliefs is heavily influenced by your core beliefs and you ultimately come to accept these beliefs are the definitive truth about society and the world you live in.
Beliefs About Ourselves
Your core beliefs about yourself are often rooted in childhood experiences. The adults in your life told you things about yourself and you accept these things as truths. These beliefs are also heavily influenced by the way that you are treated by others as you make your way through life. Both helpful and unhelpful core beliefs about yourself are formed gradually over time. With effort, you can alter or improve your core beliefs about yourself. Unhelpful beliefs include “I will never find love” and “I am a lazy person.” Helpful beliefs about yourself include “I make good decisions” and “I am worthy of good things.” Your core beliefs about yourself help to form the “rules” that you set for yourself as to what you can and cannot do. For example, you may subconsciously believe that you are not “allowed” to express anger or sadness. This rule may be tied to a core belief that your emotions are burdens to other people. You may have formed this core belief based on how people have reacted to your emotions in the past.
Beliefs About Others
Our experience with other people helps to form our core beliefs about people in general. For example, someone who has repeatedly experienced infidelity in relationships may form the view that “everybody cheats” even though this it not an objective truth. Because of this belief, they may approach relationships with cynicism or may avoid romantic relationships altogether. This can have the counterproductive effect of chasing away a good, faithful partner. It can also cause a self-fulfilling prophecy, where they begin cheating too, since “everybody does it.”
Core beliefs about other people can easily turn into stereotyping. For example, it’s a common core belief that wealthy people are inherently evil or selfish. This core belief does not take into consideration that wealth and morality often have little to do with each other. Many wealthy people are generous and use their money to positively impact the lives of others. Unchecked core beliefs about others can lead to self-sabotage. For example, if you believe that wealthy people are evil, you may subconsciously deny yourself of prosperity to avoid becoming “one of them.”
Core Beliefs About The World
How do you see the world around you? Is it a “dog eat dog” world or do you believe that most people are inherently good and kind? Your core beliefs about the world impact how you make your way through life and how you interact with the world. Those who believe in “every man for himself” will approach life differently from those who subscribe to the belief that “I am my brother’s keeper.”
Uncovering Your Unhelpful Core Beliefs
How much thought have you given to your core beliefs and how they may be impacting your daily life? Most of these beliefs sit unrecognized in the very back of our minds, yet they play such a significant role in our lives. By uncovering your core beliefs, you will be able to identify any unhelpful ideologies that can be replaced with healthier, more progressive beliefs.
One way to uncover your unhelpful core beliefs on your own is to notice your automatic thoughts. The next time you have an immediate negative thought about yourself, take a moment to notice and examine it. For example, if you make a mistake at work and your first thought is “I can’t get anything right,” ask yourself where this thought came from. Do you have evidence for and against the thought? Can you think of anyone from your past who caused you to feel that way? By noticing and questioning your negative automatic thoughts, you can gain valuable insight on your core beliefs.
Working with a therapist is an excellent way to uncover your core beliefs and identify their origins. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other forms of therapy, you can develop core beliefs that are healthy, helpful and positive.
With spooky season in full swing, fear is an emotion that is at the forefront of our minds. Fear often has the effect of causing us to avoid the object of the fear. As we get older, we stop fearing the monsters under our bed and begin fearing seemingly more innocuous things. An important phone call can get the heart racing just as much as the latest horror movie, so we avoid making that phone call. In this way, fear can lead to both long term and short term procrastination.
Fear is an emotion that lets us know that something is wrong or that we’re in danger. It’s biologically designed to cause avoidance of the object of the fear. In this way, it can help to keep us out of harm’s way. However, sometimes we fear things that are not actually dangerous (such as starting a new project at work or having a hard conversation with a friend). Even though we aren’t in any real danger, the fear can still lead to avoidance. Recently, we blogged about various causes of procrastination and suggested strategies for reducing this common habit. In the spirit of Halloween, we’ll be expanding on the strong link between fear and avoidance, while exploring some of the most common fears that lead to procrastination.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is one of the most common fears experienced by most people throughout life. This fear is often linked to perfectionism or black and white thinking. Instead of acknowledging the huge grey area between success and failure, this cognitive distortion causes us to believe that if something isn’t done perfectly, then it’s a complete failure. A persistent fear of failure may be linked to low self-esteem. If you don’t believe that you have the capability or knowledge to achieve something, it’s easy to constantly feel as though you won’t achieve your goals. This fear is typically characterized by an avoidance of the activity that is inciting the fear in the first place. In this way, procrastination and a fear of failure often go hand in hand. Many people fear the possibility of failure so much that they will put off beginning a task or procrastinate when it comes to the pursuit of goals.
Fear of Success
You may be surprised to know that the fear of success can be just as debilitating as a fear of failure. We all want to succeed, so how is it possible to fear success? The truth is that success can be scary. Success can mean more publicity or notoriety and this can be intimidating for those who prefer to stay out of the spotlight. Success brings great pressure to continue to perform and often comes with additional responsibilities and challenges. It’s also common to fear possible reactions to your success. Will your success alienate you from your peers or family members? Will people think that you’re bragging or snobby because of your newfound success?
In the same way that a fear of failure can cause procrastination, the fear of success can make it difficult to start and complete projects. Because you fear the aftermath of the success, you subconsciously delay starting the task altogether.
Procrastination and Fear of Rejection
Everyone has feared rejection at some point in their life. This fear can develop in early childhood and shows up in various settings throughout life – socially, professionally and in our romantic lives. We may first experience it when we are afraid of getting turned down by a parent, so we avoid asking for permission to do something. The fear has many underlying causes and, if left unchecked, can place significant limitations on a person’s life. A fear of rejection can affect your ability to meet new friends, form romantic relationships and advance in the workplace. We often need to “put ourselves out there” in order to succeed and the fear of rejection makes this very difficult.
For example, you may procrastinate on applications for jobs, scholarships or other opportunities due to the fear of rejection. You may also put off sending important emails because of the fear of rejection.
Fear of Judgment and Procrastination
The fear of judgment is experienced by people from all walks of life because we all want to feel accepted and understood by those around us. The fear of being judged can hold you back in many ways. You may be afraid of being judged while exercising, which causes you to avoid getting a gym membership or going outside for a run. You may want to start a blog, but you’re afraid of people reading and judging the things you write. Fearing the negative opinions and reactions of others often leads to procrastinating on doing the things that we really want to do.
A fear of judgment can also have a negative impact on interpersonal relationships. Are you hiding parts of yourself from the people close to you? A fear of judgment can often lead to a lack of vulnerability in relationships, which limits the quality of your connections. This fear of judgment can cause you to procrastinate on having difficult (but necessary) conversations with the people in your life.
Fear of Missing Out
The fear of missing out (often shortened to FOMO) stems from the perception that everyone else is more successful or happier than you are. FOMO can cause feelings of anxiety, as you are led to believe that your peers are progressing and leaving you behind. It’s often triggered by observing others and making comparisons.
FOMO is linked to smartphone addiction. To avoid feeling left out, we’re tempted to constantly keep up with social media posts, the latest headlines and the newest trending topics. Smartphone use in turn triggers feelings of FOMO, as we are often watching the highlight reels of others
Can you identify with any of these fears and are you able to see how they may be holding you back? Last Halloween, we explored the ways that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you to face and overcome your fears. By working with a therapist, you’ll be able to uncover how these fears may be manifesting in your life or preventing you from achieving your goals. Through CBT and other forms of talk therapy, you can develop the skills needed to “feel the fear and do it anyway!” Contact us to schedule your first session.
Strong and healthy friendships are an important aspect of overall emotional and social wellbeing. Through friendships, we are able to receive and give support, love and companionship, which often leads to a feeling of general contentment and improved self-esteem. Research indicates that healthy friendships can positively impact our physical health, possibly leading to a longer life span and the ability to recover more quickly from illnesses.
Last month, we looked at unhealthy friendships and outlined some of the factors that can contribute to a toxic platonic relationship. In this post, we’ll be discussing a few of the hallmarks of healthy friendships.
1. Reciprocity for healthy friendships
Reciprocity simply means that the friendship is mutually beneficial and that both parties are putting similar effort into the relationship. Friendships should not be one-sided and nobody should feel like their energy isn’t being matched. Reciprocity shows up several forms and the lack of it can be felt in many different ways. At the most basic level, it means feeling confident that the person you consider a friend also considers you to be a friend. Emotional reciprocity means that both parties are able to be vulnerable with each other and provide mutual emotional support.
When it comes to reciprocity, it’s important to remember that it’s not always cut and dry. For example, a friend who is going through an especially difficult time may not be able to support you. In those circumstances, you may need to go above and beyond for them. When the roles are reversed, you should be able to expect them to do the same.
2. Support
Support is a key component in friendships and the lack of it often leads to a breakdown of the relationship. We all need solid and reliable support systems and our friendships should form part of that entire system.
Support can come in many forms. Sometimes, it’s a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when times are hard. Sometimes, it’s making the effort to celebrate a friend’s success when things are going well. In other instances, more practical support (such as providing advice or resources) is needed. It may be necessary to ask your friend what kind of support they need right now. If you are the one in need of support, it’s always a good idea to communicate with your friends, to better enable them to meet those needs.
In healthy friendships, you should be both giving and receiving support, which ties into the reciprocity that was mentioned earlier.
3. Trust
Most relationships (romantic, platonic, business, etc.) rely heavily on trust. Trust is a firm belief in the reliability and honesty of your friend. You feel a sense of confidence and comfort, knowing that you can rely on them and that you can believe in the things that they say and do. Trust is usually gained very slowly over time and can be difficult to repair once it’s broken.
What makes a trustworthy friend? This is someone who keeps their promises, leaving you with a feeling of confidence that they will do what they say they are going to do. They also keep your secrets, so you can feel assured that private conversations will stay between the two of you. A trustworthy friend will not speak about you behind your back, tell lies to you or about you, or try to manipulate you. Trustworthiness means that they are able to hold themselves accountable when they mess up, and make genuine efforts to repair your trust after any indiscretions.
Your friend should also be able to trust you and should not make unfair accusations against you.
4. Honesty
Trust and honesty are two sides of the same coin. While trust describes the emotion of feeling confident or believing in someone, honesty describes the actions that, over time, lead to this confidence. Honesty is a track record of making a conscious effort to tell the truth, to be forthcoming, and to keep promises. Honesty often requires difficult or uncomfortable conversations, as well as a high level of integrity, vulnerability and accountability.
Honesty goes far beyond simply telling the truth when it is asked of you. Sometimes it means coming forward even though your friend would have been none the wiser had you kept quiet. Honesty is being able to tell your friend when they have offended you, instead of avoiding confrontation and allowing the issue to fester.
If we are to expect others to be trustworthy, we also need to be trustworthy. This means that we have to be honest with ourselves and with our friends.
5. Respect
No friendship can be truly healthy without mutual respect. When two people respect each other, they both feel safe to be themselves around the other person without fear of judgment. Though you may not always agree or get along, an underlying and genuine mutual respect will allow friends to resolve disputes without insults. Friends should respect each other’s time, beliefs and choices. Where there is respect, there is proper regard for the needs, feelings and wishes of others. A respectful friend will never cause you to feel embarrassed for simply being yourself. They genuinely admire you and believe in your strengths and abilities.
Respect should also be shown for any boundaries that are set, as discussed below.
6. Boundaries in Healthy Friendships
A good friendship involves both parties setting healthy boundaries, while respecting the boundaries of the other person. You should be able to set a reasonable limitation of your friendship without unfair backlash from your friend. In the same way, when a friend sets a boundary, you need to respect it.
Boundaries can take many forms and it’s up to you to determine how much you are willing or able to give and receive in a relationship. For example, it is your responsibility to let your friend know that certain topics of conversation make you uncomfortable and it is your friend’s responsibility to be mindful of the things that they say to you.
A healthy friendship can be difficult to nurture and maintain. It requires two people who are working on themselves on an individual level. Working with a therapist is an excellent starting point for improving your relationships. By becoming the best version of yourself, you will be better able to show up in your friendships and better able to identify and eliminate unhealthy connections.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are here to help you as you seek to foster healthier, happier connections in your life. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
Procrastination is a common human experience that we’re all prone to. As children, we put off doing chores and homework even though we might get in trouble. As adults, procrastination can affect us at work, home, in our personal lives and even our health and finances. It can take the form of putting of daily tasks (like washing the dishes) for a short period of time, or putting off bigger tasks (like getting a check-up at the doctor) over a longer period of time.
Even the most hardworking, organized and disciplined people struggle with procrastination because it has very little to do with laziness, poor time management or a lack of discipline. Procrastination is simply an unhealthy coping mechanism used to handle difficult emotions or situations. Identifying the reason for your procrastination is the first step to getting back on track with the things you want to do.
If procrastination is a habitual part of your life or you’ve been procrastinating for an abnormally long time, it can be described as chronic. This is a common issue for people with ADHD and other mental health concerns. Key indicators can be a habit of being late for meetings or missing deadlines. It can also show up as putting things off in multiple areas of your life – at work, at home, in relationships, etc.
When procrastination begins to negatively affect your mental or physical health, your finances or your relationships, you may wish to start working with a therapist. This can help you to uncover the reasons for your procrastination, adjust your mindset and take the first step towards achieving your goals.
Here are four of the most common causes of procrastination.
{NOTE: Flourish Psychology is a NYC private practice but licensed to provide therapy in more than 30 states. Please review our patient locations list to learn more}
1. Perfectionism and Procrastination
Perfectionism can show up in different ways. You may be waiting for the “perfect” time to do something, even though there will never be such a time. You may be so desirous of a perfect outcome that you spend excessive amounts of time in the planning phase, but the actual task is being put off. Perfectionists are prone to all or nothing thinking, where something is either perfect or terrible, with no in-between. Quite often, they will procrastinate because they fear they will be unable to meet the unreasonable standards they set for themselves. They won’t be able to do it perfectly, so they avoid doing it at all.
If this feels familiar, remind yourself that done is better than perfect. Embrace the concept of “good enough” and lower your unreasonable standards. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be good enough. A slightly flawed completed task is better than one you’ve been putting off because it needs to be flawless.
2. Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is one of the most common causes of procrastination. When we are afraid of a negative outcome, we will naturally try to avoid it. When you put off a task, you are trying to delay the failure that becomes a possibility once the task is complete. By changing your attitude towards failure, you may be able to break the procrastination habit. Remind yourself that every successful person has faced significant setbacks and losses along the way. Failure represents a unique learning opportunity. With the knowledge you gained from a failure, you’ll have a better chance of success next time around.
3. Lack of Resources or Information
Another common reason for procrastination is simply feeling that you are ill-equipped to handle a task. Maybe you don’t have sufficient information or you find the task confusing. When we don’t know how to begin a task, it’s easy to keep putting it off. By gaining clarity, we feel a lot more confident in our ability to perform.
If you’re procrastinating because of a lack of clarity (such as not knowing the process to do something or how to access the tools you need), make it a priority to seek information. For example, many people delay planning for retirement because they think it’s too complicated or expensive. By making just one phone call, you’ll find out that it’s a lot easier than you think. Do your research and ask questions to ensure you have all the information you need to confidently get started.
4. Low Self-Esteem and procrastination
Low self-esteem can lead to procrastination when we doubt our ability to perform. If we believe that we aren’t competent, intelligent or skilled enough to do something, it makes sense that we would avoid that thing. By not facing the task, we don’t have to feel the difficult and unpleasant emotional effects of low self-esteem.
Building healthy self-esteem is a continuous process of changing the way your feel about yourself. An effective way of doing that is by providing yourself with evidence of your worth. By starting and completing a task, you’re showing yourself that you have a lot to be proud of.
Strategies for Reducing Procrastination
It’s normal to procrastinate from time to time. First, ask yourself if you genuinely need a break and if so, give yourself guilt-free permission to relax. Burnout can lead to a lack of motivation or energy and can make it difficult to start or finish tasks. Rest is an important element of productivity, since we need to be well rested to do our best work. If you don’t need to rest, try to devise a strategy to start. Starting is the hardest part and a task begins to feel more manageable once we’ve gotten over that first hurdle.
Taking a small first step is often all that we need to get the momentum going. If you’ve been putting off cleaning your home, try starting with just one corner or one sink. Set a timer for five minutes and pick up as many items as possible. If you feel like stopping after completing your small step, it’s okay to do that. Quite often, we want to continue once we’ve gotten started. If you feel motivated to keep going, go for it!
Working with a therapist is an excellent way to address your procrastination. You’ll have professional guidance as you discover the causes of this habit and how it may be linked to your mental health or past experiences. Using CBT or other techniques, a therapist can also help you to improve your mindset about perfectionism, failure and your views on yourself and your work.
Intrusive thoughts are those thoughts that pop into your head seemingly out of nowhere. They happen automatically and can happen at any time. These thoughts are usually unwanted, unpleasant or even painful. Intrusive thoughts are often repetitive in nature and usually come in the form of mental images or statements said to yourself.
These thoughts are normal and most of the time, they come and go without causing us much distress. They become a problem when they are too intense, when they start to negatively impact our behavior or when they cause us to harm ourselves and others.
NOTE: Interested in therapy with Flourish Psychology? We are able to provide therapy for patients in over 30 states. Learn more by viewing our patient locations list.
Why Does This Happen?
Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts from time to time. Sometimes, they are unpleasant or embarrassing memories or replaying scary or traumatic situations. Intrusive thoughts do not always indicate an underlying mental health condition and are not always indicative of a need for medical attention. But if your thoughts are very intense or have been affecting you for a prolonged period of time, it can be a sign of a mental health condition.
People living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often experience flashbacks and other intrusive thoughts connected to the traumatic event. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is known to cause uncontrollable and obsessive intrusive thoughts that may cause you to take certain actions (compulsions) in an effort to stop the obsessive thoughts. People who have developed an eating disorder commonly experience overwhelming thoughts about food, their health and their bodies.
Common intrusive thoughts
People have intrusive thoughts about all sorts of things and these thoughts are usually unique to their personal circumstances. For those who have experienced trauma, it’s normal to have recurring intrusive thoughts related to the event, including flashbacks or ruminating on how you could have avoided the event or done things differently. People with low self-esteem often feel like there’s a bully in their head. These intrusive thoughts tend to be self-deprecating in nature and can lead to decreased feelings of worth.
Many people have intrusive thoughts about death and may fear that they are going to get into an accident or that someone will harm them. Other people may have intrusive thoughts about catching a disease or being poisoned. It’s also quite common to have thoughts of committing illegal or violent acts, whether against yourself or others. Sexual thoughts are also very common. Many people experience unwanted or inappropriate thoughts or images of sex. For example, heterosexual people may have an intrusive homosexual thoughts or vice versa. Or you may have an intrusive sexual thought about an inappropriate person like a family member.
It’s always important to remember that you did not cause your intrusive thoughts. They happen automatically and they are normal. Most of these thoughts are never acted upon. Intrusive thoughts become harmful when they become obsessive or when they begin to negatively influence our behavior.
Three-Step Method for Addressing Intrusive Thoughts
Don’t try to suppress the thought
It’s normal to want to suppress an unpleasant thought when it pops up. Sometimes we even physically shake or hit our heads, trying to get the thought out. But this is a counterproductive strategy that can lead to even more rumination. Here’s an example:
Don’t think about purple elephants. Are you envisioning a purple elephant right now? Are you able to get yourself to stop? Probably not.
Suppressing an intrusive thought tends to have the boomerang effect of the thought continually returning to you. By suppressing a thought, we are actually thinking about the thought, which can turn into a cycle of rumination.
2. Label the thought
A critical step to addressing and eliminating these thoughts is to acknowledge and label them. When you realize that you are having one of these thoughts, it can be helpful to say to yourself or out loud “I am having an intrusive thought.” This can help to prevent you from attaching yourself to the thought. You are aware of exactly what it is, so you are better able to control it. Some people even give these thoughts a name to separate themselves from the thought.
For example, you can decide to call the intrusive voice in your head after a villain in a childhood cartoon. When the thought pops up, you can say to yourself “That’s just a Plankton thought.” This simple strategy is helpful for both children and adults.
3. Talk to the thought
Now it’s time to actually address the thought. Talk to it as if it were a separate body. Let it know that it’s not wanted or helpful right now. Let it know that you’re aware that it’s just an intrusive thought and that you don’t have to attach yourself to it. If you’ve named the thought, you can address it by name.
By practicing this three-step method when unwanted thoughts arise, you may notice over time that you’re less affected by your thoughts. By simply acknowledging and addressing them, you can take back your power.
If you have been struggling with uncontrollable, intense or unbearable intrusive thoughts, or if you are worried that these thoughts may cause you ongoing distress, it’s important to seek help. By working with a therapist, you can uncover the root of your unpleasant thoughts and develop actionable skills and strategies for addressing, minimizing or eliminating intrusive thoughts.
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