Many psychologists believe that there are four main styles of parenting. Each style takes a different approach to childrearing and will affect children in different ways. Some styles of parenting are more likely to lead to low self-esteem, behavioral problems or poor social skills. On the other hand, a healthy parenting style results in a positive parent/child dynamic and more well-adjusted children.
Most people will tell you that they want to be better parents than the ones who raised them. Maybe your parents were too strict and you’ve vowed to give your kids more freedom and flexibility. If your parents failed to provide sufficient structure and routine, it’s natural to want to go to the other end of the extreme with your own kids. Many parents struggle with finding the balance between establishing themselves as an authority figure and giving their children the space to be inquisitive, explore and grow.
Understanding parenting styles can help you to contextualize your childhood and gain a better appreciation of how your parents’ influences may still be affecting you today. If you are a parent yourself (or intend to be), this information can help you to create healthier and more fulfilling relationships with your children.
Please note that Flourish Psychology is based in NYC, but is licensed to provide therapy in over 30 states. Please view our patient locations list and reach out if you’d like to connect with one of our therapists.
What are parenting styles?
Clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind theorized that there is a direct correlation between types of parents style and the behavior of children. Parenting styles were put into four main categories, each with its own characteristics and ultimate effect on child development. The four categories (authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved and authoritative) were found to be an excellent indicator of child wellbeing, as well as a predictor of future success, happiness and stability.
Parenting styles have been found to impact everything from self-esteem to physical health to academic performance. Adults who were raised by parents who adopted a healthy parenting style tend to have a more secure attachment style, while displaying better social skills and less likelihood of mental illness.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
Authoritarian parents differ from authoritative parents in their lack of consideration for the feelings and opinions of their children. These parents are commonly referred to as “strict” and usually hold the following views:
Children should be seen and not heard
Children should obey me because I say so
Children should not have too much fun
These parents demand absolute obedience from their children because they believe children should be subservient. They may set very restrictive or unreasonable rules and will implement strict punishments for any indiscretions. A no-nonsense approach often accompanies this parenting style, with lilt patience for silliness or fun.
Though authoritarian parents may intend the best for their children, research shows that there are many drawbacks to this style of parenting. Children of authoritarians generally have an unhappy disposition and are susceptible to clinical depression and anxiety. They may display poor coping skills and may continue to be subservient in adulthood since they were discouraged from asserting independence as children.
Permissive Parenting Style
People using the permissive parenting style are likely to take on more of a friend role than that of a parent. They do not implement enough (or any) structure or discipline and tend to overlook behavioral problems. Due to consistent leniency, permissive parents do not establish themselves as an authority figure and may not gain the respect of their children.
Children of permissive or indulgent parents are more likely to exhibit behavioral problems and to lack regard for rules and authority in general. They are at a higher risk for developing health problems such as diabetes or obesity because permissive parents do not adequately limit intake of junk food and candy. They are also more likely to have dental cavities or poor oral health because the parent does not enforce good habits and routines.
Uninvolved Parenting Style
The uninvolved or neglectful parent doesn’t devote sufficient (or any) time to meeting the child’s needs. This can be as extreme as neglecting to provide food or clothing, but is more often a failure to meet emotional needs or to have a consistent presence. They are also largely uninvolved in the daily lives of their children and are unlikely to help with homework or support extracurricular activities. Uninvolved parents may often be unaware of their child’s whereabouts and do not know their children’s friends or teachers. Quite often, children of neglectful/uninvolved parents are left to raise themselves.
Parents may be uninvolved for a number of reasons, including a demanding job, financial stresses, mental health issues or substance abuse problems. Children of uninvolved parents often struggle with self-esteem issues and are more likely to get caught up in a bad crowd, to try drugs or to experience teenage parenthood. As adults, they often find it difficult to hold steady employment, find healthy relationships or find financial stability.
Authoritative Parenting Style
The authoritative parenting style is the healthiest style to adopt, as it strikes a balance between compassion and laying down the law. Authoritative parents put a lot of effort into maintaining a positive relationship with their children while providing a structure and discipline. They take care to validate their children’s feelings and take their opinions into consideration. The authoritative parent practices positive discipline by parising good behavior and implementing reward systems.
Research has shown that adult children of authoritative parents are most likely to be well-adjusted, responsible, happy and successful.
Even if you aren’t a parent yourself, this information can be incredibly insightful for those trying to contextualize their own childhood. By working with a therapist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) you can gain a deeper understanding of parenting styles and how they may be influencing your life as an adult. This can be excellent for processing childhood trauma or unlearning any negative core beliefs, habits and mindsets that were projected onto you as a child.
The start of a new year brings the feeling of a blank slate and endless possibilities. As 2021 comes to a close, many of us are reflecting on the challenges and triumphs faced throughout the last twelve months. During the last week of the year, you’re likely giving lots of thought to your plans, goals and resolutions for 2022. While the most common resolutions tend to be in the realms of fitness, finances and career advancement, might we suggest turning your attention to your mental health?
If the last two years are anything to go by, it’s more important than ever to prioritize self-care, healthy boundaries and emotional wellbeing. Here are a few simple ways that you can improve your mental health in 2022 and beyond.
Develop an Attitude of Gratitude
You may have heard this one several times before, but it still bears repeating. Expressing gratitude is one of the simplest and most effective ways that you can instantly lift your mood and feel a sense of contentment. When you’re in a state of gratitude, you’re less likely to dwell on negative emotions such as resentment or regret. Over the long term, gratitude has been linked to decreased stress levels and improved psychological health.
How can you practice gratitude in your daily life? It can be as simple as writing a list of three things you’re grateful for each morning soon after you wake up. This can be done in the notes app on your phone or in a dedicated gratitude journal or notebook. Throughout the day, look out for small things to be grateful for and make a mental note of them when they happen. If you found a parking spot in a crowded lot, take a few seconds to appreciate your luck before you exit your car. Gratitude also helps to enhance our relationships. Be sure to let your loved ones know how thankful you are for their support and presence in your life.
Begin a Mindfulness Meditation Practice
Meditation has been a huge wellness trend for the last few years. This ancient practice goes back to at least 1500 BCE, but is still incredibly beneficial for our fast-paced modern lives. As meditation continues to grow in popularity, it’s also become incredibly accessible. These days, there’s no shortage of apps, videos and online courses to support you on your meditation journey.
Mindfulness meditation is a special type of meditation that trains you to slow down and detach from racing or negative thoughts. With regular practice, mindfulness has been shown to decrease stress, foster a more positive mindset and even improve your quality of sleep. To practice this kind of meditation, get comfortable in a quiet space where you’re not likely to be disturbed. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Notice how the breath interacts with the body – the rise and fall of the belly, and the feeling of air entering and leaving your nostrils. If it helps, you can keep focused by counting your breaths. It’s normal to get distracted; just bring your attention back to your breathing. Try doing this for fifteen minutes each day to experience the full benefits of this practice.
Sounds intimidating? Even five minutes of quiet time each day can have surprising benefits. You can also try practicing mindfulness all throughout the day as you engage with the world around you. Instead of absentmindedly scrolling on your phone while you eat lunch, try taking the time to eat mindfully. Slow down, pay attention and really enjoy the taste, smell and texture of your food. When taking a walk, make the effort to be truly aware of your surroundings, including the little things like the breeze on your face and the crunching sound of leaves under your feet. Living in the present moment means you’re spending less time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
Don’t Neglect Your Physical Health
Even though this is a list of mental health resolutions, your physical health has such a huge role to play. The three key areas to prioritize are sleep, nutrition and movement. By improving these aspects of your physical health, you’ll also notice improvements in your overall emotional wellbeing.
In 2022, make the effort to develop a consistent bedtime routine to foster healthier sleep hygiene. Go to bed at around the same time each night and ensure your bedroom is quiet, dark and set to a comfortable temperature. Commit to reducing nighttime device usage in favour of more calming activities such as reading, journaling or gentle stretching. Lack of sleep or poor sleep hygiene has been linked to worsening symptoms of depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. By getting proper sleep, you’re laying a solid foundation for improving your mental health.
Exercise is another well-researched contributor to good mental health. Moving your body not only releases feel-good hormones like endorphins, but can also fill you with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Consider new and enjoyable ways that you can move your body in 2022. If you’re tired of the old gym routine, why not switch things up by trying out a new sport or taking up a dance class? The key is to find an activity that you genuinely enjoy, so that daily exercise feels like a natural part of your day.
What about nutrition and your mental health? Just like all your other organs, your brain is affected by the food you eat. Diets high in refined sugar and processed foods have been known to cause a worsening of symptoms for many mental illnesses, including depression. On the other hand, healthy foods like salmon, avocados and whole grains are known to support brain function and can even help reduce dementia in older adults.
Monitor Your Social Media Usage
We’ve written about the connection between social media and mental health in a previous blog post. While we may not yet have information on the long-term effects of constant social media use, we do have quite a bit of research on the shorter-term impacts. Many recent studies have explored the psychological impact of increased exposure to social media platforms and how this can contribute to depression, anxiety, self-harm and disordered eating.
Although platforms like Instagram and TikTok can provide hours of entertainment and allow us to keep in touch with friends and family, they can also encourage a few unhealthy habits. Comparing yourself to the highlight reels of your favorite influencers can lead to low self-esteem and FOMO, while endless scrolling makes it easy to fall into the procrastination trap. As 2022 approaches, do a digital detox by unfollowing accounts that make you feel unhappy or inadequate. Adjust your settings to eliminate anxiety-inducing notifications and disconnect from the 24-hour news cycle. Consider replacing social media scrolling time with other apps such as
Set and Enforce Boundaries
Boundaries are a necessary component for maintaining fulfilling relationships and safeguarding your mental health. Simply put, a boundary is a limit or a rule that defines how other people are able to access and interact with you. It’s up to you to determine your boundaries and they may differ from relationship to relationship. For example, you may be uncomfortable with friends showing up unannounced to your home, while your romantic partner has a spare key to let themselves in as they wish. You deserve to feel comfortable and respected within all your relationships. Consider all your connections (work, familial, platonic, romantic, etc.) and determine whether any adjustments need to be made in terms of boundaries.
In addition to these healthy habits, working with a therapist is one of the biggest and most impactful steps you can take towards improving your mental health. Therapy can also equip you with the tools needed to improve your self-esteem, foster healthier relationships and achieve your career goals. At Flourish Psychology, our clinicians are trained in number of treatment modalities to address your specific concerns. Contact us today to get in touch with our intake coordinator or to schedule your first session.
Estrangement describes a situation when someone makes deliberate efforts to distance themselves from or cut ties with a family member. Sometimes, people choose to be estranged from their entire family of origin, and other times, the estrangement is limited to a certain person or group of persons. If you are currently estranged from family members (or considering it), you’re not alone. Research suggests that over a quarter of adults experience estrangement, whether initiated by them or by other family members. That’s over 70 million Americans.
This is not the same as losing touch with family. Estrangement is a voluntary and deliberate decision. Sometimes, a sudden major event may trigger a decision to cut ties. More often, it is a process of gradually distancing yourself more and more over time as the relationship becomes increasingly strained. Many report that “the last straw” often happened after years of back and forth, or following several attempts at salvaging the relationship.
With the holiday season in full swing (and with the world opening back up), many people are looking forward to spending time with family, creating memories, and continuing traditions. But for those with difficult or strained familial relationships, this time of year can be extremely triggering and a great source of anxiety and pain. Depending on the circumstances of the estrangement, the holidays can bring about feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, or sadness. Estrangement is an incredibly difficult and complicated life experience. Be sure to practice self-care all year long and especially during triggering holidays or events.
Common Causes of Estrangement
Estrangement is an intentional and voluntary decision There are countless factors that may lead someone to decide to cut ties with family members. For some people who were mistreated by family members in childhood, there is an immediate decision to cut ties upon reaching adulthood or a state of independence. Parental maltreatment is one of the most common reasons for estrangement. This can include physical, emotional, financial, or sexual abuse, or a failure to respect boundaries. In other instances, people may slowly come to a realization that their parent or family member is detrimental to their wellbeing and decide to distance themselves. It’s also common to come to a realization that the family member will never be able to meet your needs or to fulfill the role that you need them to play in your life.
Many members of the LGBTQ community have cut ties with their families of origin in favor of chosen families. Others have been estranged due to disownment by homophobic or transphobic relatives. People may choose to cut ties due to a difference in value systems, or a family member’s refusal to accept aspects of a person’s identity or their lifestyle choices. Regardless of the factors influencing your decision to reduce contact with family members, your feelings are valid and it’s incredibly brave of you to make such a difficult decision for your wellbeing.
Impact of Estrangement on Mental Health
Estrangement is often a painful and difficult experience that can affect your mental health in many ways. You may feel a lot of anxiety surrounding your decision and this anxiety may be triggered by certain events, such as holidays. You may feel guilty or regretful about your decision, which can cause chronic stress over time. Many people carry the heavy emotional weight that comes with estrangement without realizing the impact it may be having on them.
Estrangement activates the grief response in many people, even if they were the ones to sever ties. Though you may believe that you made the right decision, you may still be mourning the loss of the relationship. This loss can be just as psychologically devastating as losing a romantic partner or experiencing the death of a loved one. For those on the receiving end of estrangement, there may be strong feelings of guilt, rejection, and loneliness.
Coping with Family Estrangement During the Holidays
If you’re dealing with this issue, the holiday season can be an especially difficult or traumatizing time. This time of year can bring back emotions that may previously have been dormant, or bring up feelings of loneliness and isolation. It’s especially important to practice self-care and self-compassion if you’re feeling triggered. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel your feelings. You are entitled to your anger and sadness. If you’re feeling regret, guilt, or loneliness, remind yourself that these are normal and expected emotions to have at a time like this. Try not to judge yourself (such as saying “I should be over this by now” or “It’s so pathetic that I’m crying about this) or to avoid your emotions. Feel them. Sit with them. Remember that they won’t stick around forever. Now is a good time to try journaling about what you’re feeling, or verbalizing your feelings aloud to yourself. If it helps, you can even try writing (but not sending) a letter to your estranged family member. By not bottling up your emotions, you’re better able to manage them and even learn from them.
Ahead of time, identify healthy and reliable coping mechanisms that you can use when you’re feeling triggered. Examples include going for a quick walk to clear your head or calling a trusted friend to talk. Make a playlist of songs that will provide comfort or improve your mood. Taking a shower is a relaxing distraction for many people during times of intense emotions. You can also try engaging in a creative hobby such as coloring, doodling to creating digital art. Other healthy coping mechanisms include taking care of tasks such as cleaning or gardening. Consider purposeful, relaxing, or entertaining activities that you can engage in during difficult moments.
How can you seek out connection and companionship this holiday season? Can you create new memories with friends, partners, or your chosen family? When your familial relationships are strained, it’s important to develop fulfilling and meaningful relationships outside of your family. Many members of the queer community have embraced a chosen family, as seen in media like Paris is Burning and Pose. Non-LGBTQ people may also develop chosen families due to difficult relationships with members of their families of origin. Consider the people in your life who can provide you with support and solidarity.
Estrangement can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to deal with on your own. Working with a therapist is an empowering and effective way to process the difficult emotions that arise due to estrangement. If there is a desire for reconciliation, a relationship therapist can be an invaluable third party helping to bridge the gap. If there is no desire for reconciliation, working alone with a therapist can help you to find the closure you seek.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are qualified and trained in a variety of treatment modalities that can help you process this difficult situation. Schedule your first session to begin your journey towards healing.
Strong and healthy friendships are an important aspect of overall emotional and social wellbeing. Through friendships, we are able to receive and give support, love and companionship, which often leads to a feeling of general contentment and improved self-esteem. Research indicates that healthy friendships can positively impact our physical health, possibly leading to a longer life span and the ability to recover more quickly from illnesses.
Last month, we looked at unhealthy friendships and outlined some of the factors that can contribute to a toxic platonic relationship. In this post, we’ll be discussing a few of the hallmarks of healthy friendships.
1. Reciprocity for healthy friendships
Reciprocity simply means that the friendship is mutually beneficial and that both parties are putting similar effort into the relationship. Friendships should not be one-sided and nobody should feel like their energy isn’t being matched. Reciprocity shows up several forms and the lack of it can be felt in many different ways. At the most basic level, it means feeling confident that the person you consider a friend also considers you to be a friend. Emotional reciprocity means that both parties are able to be vulnerable with each other and provide mutual emotional support.
When it comes to reciprocity, it’s important to remember that it’s not always cut and dry. For example, a friend who is going through an especially difficult time may not be able to support you. In those circumstances, you may need to go above and beyond for them. When the roles are reversed, you should be able to expect them to do the same.
2. Support
Support is a key component in friendships and the lack of it often leads to a breakdown of the relationship. We all need solid and reliable support systems and our friendships should form part of that entire system.
Support can come in many forms. Sometimes, it’s a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when times are hard. Sometimes, it’s making the effort to celebrate a friend’s success when things are going well. In other instances, more practical support (such as providing advice or resources) is needed. It may be necessary to ask your friend what kind of support they need right now. If you are the one in need of support, it’s always a good idea to communicate with your friends, to better enable them to meet those needs.
In healthy friendships, you should be both giving and receiving support, which ties into the reciprocity that was mentioned earlier.
3. Trust
Most relationships (romantic, platonic, business, etc.) rely heavily on trust. Trust is a firm belief in the reliability and honesty of your friend. You feel a sense of confidence and comfort, knowing that you can rely on them and that you can believe in the things that they say and do. Trust is usually gained very slowly over time and can be difficult to repair once it’s broken.
What makes a trustworthy friend? This is someone who keeps their promises, leaving you with a feeling of confidence that they will do what they say they are going to do. They also keep your secrets, so you can feel assured that private conversations will stay between the two of you. A trustworthy friend will not speak about you behind your back, tell lies to you or about you, or try to manipulate you. Trustworthiness means that they are able to hold themselves accountable when they mess up, and make genuine efforts to repair your trust after any indiscretions.
Your friend should also be able to trust you and should not make unfair accusations against you.
4. Honesty
Trust and honesty are two sides of the same coin. While trust describes the emotion of feeling confident or believing in someone, honesty describes the actions that, over time, lead to this confidence. Honesty is a track record of making a conscious effort to tell the truth, to be forthcoming, and to keep promises. Honesty often requires difficult or uncomfortable conversations, as well as a high level of integrity, vulnerability and accountability.
Honesty goes far beyond simply telling the truth when it is asked of you. Sometimes it means coming forward even though your friend would have been none the wiser had you kept quiet. Honesty is being able to tell your friend when they have offended you, instead of avoiding confrontation and allowing the issue to fester.
If we are to expect others to be trustworthy, we also need to be trustworthy. This means that we have to be honest with ourselves and with our friends.
5. Respect
No friendship can be truly healthy without mutual respect. When two people respect each other, they both feel safe to be themselves around the other person without fear of judgment. Though you may not always agree or get along, an underlying and genuine mutual respect will allow friends to resolve disputes without insults. Friends should respect each other’s time, beliefs and choices. Where there is respect, there is proper regard for the needs, feelings and wishes of others. A respectful friend will never cause you to feel embarrassed for simply being yourself. They genuinely admire you and believe in your strengths and abilities.
Respect should also be shown for any boundaries that are set, as discussed below.
6. Boundaries in Healthy Friendships
A good friendship involves both parties setting healthy boundaries, while respecting the boundaries of the other person. You should be able to set a reasonable limitation of your friendship without unfair backlash from your friend. In the same way, when a friend sets a boundary, you need to respect it.
Boundaries can take many forms and it’s up to you to determine how much you are willing or able to give and receive in a relationship. For example, it is your responsibility to let your friend know that certain topics of conversation make you uncomfortable and it is your friend’s responsibility to be mindful of the things that they say to you.
A healthy friendship can be difficult to nurture and maintain. It requires two people who are working on themselves on an individual level. Working with a therapist is an excellent starting point for improving your relationships. By becoming the best version of yourself, you will be better able to show up in your friendships and better able to identify and eliminate unhealthy connections.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are here to help you as you seek to foster healthier, happier connections in your life. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
Though your love life may take up much of your time and energy, platonic relationships also play a significant role in overall happiness and emotional wellbeing. A toxic friendship is draining and distressing. For many of us, friendships are a primary relationship, and we interact with friends more than we do with family members or even romantic partners. Friendships often span long periods of our lives and it’s common to have friendships dating back to your childhood, high school or college years.
Just as with any type of relationship, a friendship requires mutual respect and effort. A healthy friendship is filled with kindness, support and companionship. While you may experience the occasional rough patch or disagreement, you should generally feel a sense of comfort, ease and contentment in your friendships. If you notice that you’re feeling anxious around a friend, stop and ask yourself why. These feelings of discomfort shouldn’t be ignored and are usually your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong.
Here are five of the most common signs of an unhealthy or toxic friendship.
1. Competition in aToxic Friendship
A bit of healthy competition can go a long way in helping you to reach your goals. For example, friends who workout together can push each other to remain motivated on a fitness journey. Competition becomes unhealthy when a friend is always trying to “one-up” you or minimize your achievements. A toxic friend is always trying to “win” and will compare aspects of your life to theirs. Examples include competing for the attention of a potential romantic partner or trying to prove that they are more financially stable or professionally successful.
Friends should support each other and there should be no feelings of unhealthy competition between friends. If you get the sense that your friend is threatened by your success, this could be the sign of an unhealthy dynamic or toxic friendship.
2. Bullying or Teasing
While “roasting” or good-natured teasing between friends can be fun, it should not go as far as bullying. If your friend’s teasing is mean-spirited or if they touch on a topic that’s known to be extra sensitive, this is a definite red flag. Your friend should not cause you to feel embarrassed in front of others and their “jokes” should not hurt your feelings.
It’s possible that your friend may not be aware of the effect they are having on you. Have a conversation about it. If your friend tells you to “lighten up” or says you’re being too sensitive, this is a relationship that you may want to reconsider. A good friend would never intentionally harm you or ignore a request to stop saying hurtful things.
3. Disrespecting Boundaries
Friends should respect your boundaries and should not cause you to feel uncomfortable or violated. This can show up in many ways. It can be as simple as repeatedly trying to convince you to do something you’ve said you don’t want to do. Maybe they’re always bringing up a topic that they know is triggering or upsetting for you. Invasions of privacy such as reading your journal or going through your phone are unacceptable. Time-based boundaries are disrespected when a friend keeps calling you during times you’ve told them you are unavailable due to work or family obligations. Emotional boundaries are disrespected when someone keeps pushing you to talk about something you are not comfortable discussing.
When your boundaries are disrespected, it can trigger feelings of anxiety and frustration. If this kind of behavior continues even after clearly communicating your needs, you may wish to detach from this person.
4. Peer Pressure in a toxic friendship
A good friend will not try to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. This can take the form of pressuring you to go to an event when you’ve said you’d rather stay home. Maybe they’ve tried to convince you to drink, smoke or try drugs when that’s not really your thing. Friends should respect your preferences and decisions and should not try to impose their will on you.
On the other hand, positive peer pressure can be a very healthy and helpful aspect of a friendship. Friends can push each other to study hard, exercise, get out of debt or save money. It’s always a good sign when friends inspire you to make positive or healthy changes in your life.
5. Jealousy
Jealousy is a normal human emotion and doesn’t automatically indicate a toxic or unhealthy friendship. The red flag is in the way the jealousy is handled. Let’s say your friend just landed an amazing new job, while you’ve been job hunting for months without success. It’s completely understandable that you may feel a twinge of jealousy or envy, though you’re happy for your friend. In a healthy friendship, you should be able to say “I’m super happy about your new job, but I’m bummed with how my job search is going.” Your friend should be able to emotionally support you through your job hunt, while you celebrate their new job. Jealousy and envy become unhealthy when they turn into resentment, sabotage or belittlement.
The other side of this coin is that friends should not try to make you jealous. A good friend would not deliberately brag about their new job because they want you to feel badly about your job hunt. A friend should exercise sensitivity in moments like these. There should be a healthy balance between sharing their good news and commiserating with you.
Have you been feeling unfulfilled, uncomfortable or disrespected in your friendships? Do you want to learn how to set boundaries and build more meaningful connections? By working with a therapist, you’ll have an objective and professional third party helping you to evaluate your relationships. If you choose to end a friendship, it’s a good idea to have professional support as you navigate the aftermath. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
Codependency is an unhealthy dynamic that can appear in any kind of relationship. Simply put, a codependent relationship is one where one person is always getting their needs met, while the other person thrives off the feeling of being needed. The second person is considered the codependent partner because their moods, behaviors and sense of identity are all dependent on the other person’s reliance on them. They need to be needed. Both parties enable each other and this kind of dynamic often persists for many years. Eventually, they become so enmeshed that they are no longer able to function independently or to have a sense of identity that is not tied to the relationship and to the other person.
The term “codependency” was originally used to describe the relationship between substance abusers and good-intentioned loved ones who ultimately enable the behavior. Now we know that codependency can be present in all kinds of relationships, and in circumstances where substance abuse is not an issue. Though codependency is most common in romantic relationships, it can also manifest in platonic friendships and familial relationships.
There are many factors that can lead to the development of a codependent personality. A common cause of codependency in adulthood is a dysfunctional or traumatic childhood. Children whose emotional needs were unmet become adults who believe that their needs are not important. Children who were put under tremendous pressure to perform or impress their parents become adults who constantly seek external validation.
Unless there is a deliberate effort to change, a person with a codependent personality will continue to exhibit this behavior with other people in subsequent relationships throughout their life. Working with a therapist is one of the most effective ways to identify how codependency shows up in your life and determine possible root causes. By working with a mental health professional, you can learn to overcome codependent behavior so you can have healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What does codependency look like? Here are a few traits that are characteristic of people with codependent personalities.
Difficulty making decisions without external input
At its core, codependency stems from an impaired sense of identity. Someone with a codependent personality focuses most of their energy on other people, while neglecting their own needs. They often consider other people’s comfort or preferences ahead of their own, which can easily result in feeling like their needs and opinions are not important. Over time, this tends to result in a lack of trust in your own judgment and your ability to make the best decisions for yourself. You rely more on external input than your own knowledge.
While it’s normal (and often smart) to consult with trusted friends and relatives regarding major decisions, only you know what’s best for you. Only you will have to live with the aftereffects of your decisions. Trust that you are wise enough to make decisions and strong enough to handle whatever comes next.
Inability to set healthy boundaries
Codependency can be described as a repeated pattern of exercising poor boundaries. People with a codependent personality typically put other people’s needs ahead of their own, making it difficult to say no or otherwise assert yourself. This can begin showing up in everyday interactions, such as being afraid to ask a stranger to stop standing so close to you or being fearful of telling coworkers that you will not be available for calls on the weekend. By learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, you are taking a major step towards overcoming codependency.
Feeling a need to always be in a relationship
Codependency stems from a poor sense of self and a need to control or fixate on other people. It’s also characterized by tying your feelings of self-worth to the opinions of others or your ability to take care of someone else. Without this source of validation, codependent people are often unable to find a sense of wholeness or purpose. When faced with solitude, they may start feeling very uncomfortable, as codependent behavior is usually an attempt to avoid yourself, your thoughts and your life. For this reason, codependent people are always searching for another source of external validation to distract themselves.
A pattern of taking on the problems of others
It’s very common for codependent people to feel an obligation to save or protect others. They will become consumed by the other person’s problems and feel as though it’s their responsibility to find or create solutions. This behavior often coincides with the codependent person neglecting their own problems or needs. What may have been intended as a well-meaning offer of assistance can result in controlling or possessive behavior as you seek to solve the problems of others.
Sometimes, a codependent person may link their own self-worth to the successes and failures of others. This results in an even greater investment in “fixing” other people, because it creates a feeling of accomplishment.
Feeling guilty for asserting yourself
Because codependents are always putting others before themselves, it can be nearly impossible for them to put themselves first. Situations requiring assertiveness may cause a deep sense of dread or anxiety. Even after they take the plunge, they often feel like they’ve done something wrong or bad or that they will be punished for speaking up.
It’s not unusual to be afraid to assert yourself, but if you’re left with a feeling of guilt or shame, you may be exhibiting a sign of codependency. Deep down, codependent people do not believe that their needs matter as much as those of other people. This is why asserting needs is so difficult for those with a codependent personality.
Recovery fromCodependency
If you’ve recognized signs of codependency in your relationships, it’s a good idea to work with a therapist to address and overcome this dynamic. By tackling codependency in your individual therapy sessions, you will notice not only a reduction in codependent thoughts and behaviors, but also increased confidence and self-esteem as you discover your own worth, independent of anyone else’s approval.
For couples who wish to work together to repair a codependent relationship, couple’s counseling provides a safe, supportive environment for growth and healing.
The therapists at Flourish Psychology are trained in a variety of treatment modalities that can be used to address and modify codependent patterns. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
Location: 300 Cadman Plaza West Floor 12 - Brooklyn, NY 11201
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